


The woman I loved and the woman I love

by River_Melody_Pond



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Cersei friendly, F/M, Love Confessions, Love Triangles, Unplanned Pregnancy, and absolutely Jaime friendly, but even more Brienne friendly, post-episode 08.05, some sort of fix-it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-18
Updated: 2019-10-18
Packaged: 2020-03-07 10:19:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 21
Words: 86,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18871228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/River_Melody_Pond/pseuds/River_Melody_Pond
Summary: Jaime and Cersei find a way to cheat death... or at least they so believe. Trapped beyond escape, the Lannister twins are left with nothing but the memories of a lifetime of regrets.A search party led by Brienne of Tarth retrieves their bodies, more dead than alive... it gets very complicated, real quick.Jaime's PoV on the woman he had loved most of his life and the woman he would love for the rest of it... both of whom carrying his children.





	1. Not like this...

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Katherina_Siegel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katherina_Siegel/gifts).



> I haven't posted anything in years... and I have never posted anything GoT related. However, Season 8 got me like asdfghjklasdfghjkl... so here we are.
> 
> NOTE: For the sake of reason, that Euron bit did not happen. Jaime is not physically hurt when he gets to Cersei.
> 
> Looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

“I want our baby to live! I want our baby to live! I want our baby to live…”

 

Cersei sobbed with a heavy, pounding heart. Jaime closed his eyes, her desperate words felt like daggers in his chest. Hopelessly, he tried to remove some of the rocks blocking their escape route. Somewhere behind them, another part of the ceiling collapsed. Cersei screamed and Jaime rushed to her side, wrapping his arms around her.

 

“Don’t let me die, Jaime… please, please, don’t let me die! I don’t want to die… Not like this! Not like this… not like this… not like this… not…” Her voice broke.

 

“Look at me… look at –” But Cersei screamed again, a loud and sharp sound, terrified and terrifying at the same time. Her screech electrified him, awakening something within. Jaime let go of her and spoon around several times, scrutinising the surroundings. There had to be a way out! There had to be at least a way in which they could shelter from the falling rocks… somewhere safer than right underneath the high ceiling… a stronghold arch, a vault, any type of safe haven.

 

“Dragon bone! Dragon bone!” Jaime shouted aloud. He grabbed Cersei’s frail figure and manhandled her towards the collapsing corridor they’ve left behind not far before.

 

“What are you doing?” She cried while her brother pushed her towards certain death.

 

“The skulls! We’ll shelter in the damned dragon skulls!”

 

“We will not reach them…” Cersei sobbed, but hastened her pace, while the rocks continued falling all around. Jaime did not reply, focused on dodging death and protecting her. When they saw the skulls still standing, Cersei choked on her tears in relief and disbelief.

 

“Go! Go! Go!” Jaime pushed her, towards the biggest skull.

 

“NO!” She stopped him. “Not Balerion!”

 

“What?” Jaime asked confused, still pushing her towards it.

 

“No, no!” Cersei grabbed his arm and rushed him towards a smaller skull. “We’ve tested the scorpions on Balerion… it’s cracked, it won’t hold!”

 

Jaime nodded and they made their way towards the nearest skull, which was already barricaded by a layer of stones. They climbed over the rocks and tried to reach the back of the skull. The opening was cumbered, but not blocked. Jaime helped his sister crawl to safety, just as the earth around trembled – the ceiling collapsed on the skull of Balerion, crushing it to the ground.

 

“Jaime get inside! Get inside now!” Cersei begged. Jaime looked hopelessly at the Red Keep collapsing.

 

“JAIME!” Cersei sobbed desperately and that alone prompted him to move. He crawled inside the dragon skull and fell on his knees on the cold ground. Cersei, as well on her knees, was trembling with her back against one of the dragon’s jaws. The two of them barely fit within the narrow space and, for a long moment, all Jaime could think about was how it must have been the same inside their mother's womb.

 

With tears streaming down her face, with shock and horror in her emerald green eyes, Cersei opened her mouth to say something. When rocks began to rain on them, her words came out as screams. Jaime dragged her into his arms, and they hugged for dear life, on their knees, as the entirety of the Red Keep crumbled. The terrible noise made by rocks crashing on each other did nothing to him – nothing in comparison to how painfully maddening were the screams of his sister. Cersei the strong, the terrifying Lannister Queen… Cersei the hateful, the evil… the powerful, Cersei his twin, his lover, the mother of his children – Cersei was screaming in terror at the top of her lungs.

 

Jaime rocked her in a tight embrace, while kissing her forehead. His mind was running hundreds of miles per second, unable to make sense of the reality around him. Were they dying? Was the dragon skull holding? Were they being crushed by the falling sky? Was the earth going to swallow them? Was Brienne safe in Winterfell...

 

Jaime’s eyes flashed open at the thought of her. His heart ached and his grip on Cersei loosened at once. His sister's screams stopped as if on cue and complete darkness engulfed them. A deafening silence followed immediately after. The Keep had fully collapsed and they were trapped underneath its ruins.

 

Jaime’s senses became numb and time stood still for a long while.

 

After what felt like an eternity, he heard his sister whispering barely louder than the sound of their heartbeats: “Have we died?”

 

Jaime shook his head. Cersei could not see him, but she felt the motion and nodded. They did not speak, nor move until their bodies ached. Cersei’s knees gave up first and Jaime helped her turn around very slowly as if scared not to disturb the rocks layered atop the dragon skull. He sat on his bottom and carefully leaned on the dragon’s jaw, parting his legs and pulling his sister between them. She settled with her back on his chest, legs folded underneath. She stirred a couple of times to adjust as comfortably as the situation allowed and then she let her head fall back on his shoulder. Jaime’s left hand rested on her belly and rubbed her bump lovingly. When the baby kicked, Cersei started crying once again.

 

“Thank you, Jaime…” She whispered as the tears reached her mouth. Jaime pressed a kiss on her head. He felt the urge of crying as well, but bit his tongue instead. “Thank you so much for coming back…” She added though sobs. Jaime did not reply, but his fingers continued to caress her bump.

 

He came back because he had to! He came back because it was the right and honourable thing to do. He came back because it was his duty to try to save them – his sister, his child. Had he stayed safe in Winterfell when fire and blood were unleashed over King’s Landing, he would have never forgiven himself. His heart ached with the realisation that he would have lost Brienne either way… that there had never been a real chance at happiness for them, not while his sister was still alive, not while she was carrying his child.

 

Jaime closed his eyes and conjured Brienne's face in his mind. All he wanted was to see her beautiful sapphire eyes and her bashful smile one more time...

 

But the only image that came to him was that of her face covered in tears. All he could see was Brienne, his knight, the woman he'd grown to love in spite of himself, crying in a nightgown... all because of him. Jaime opened his eyes, but the image remained, for the darkness of his dragon-bone coffin was no different than the darkness found behind closed lids. He could no longer hold it in and tears came tumbling down his cheeks. A silent cry at first, but the longer Brienne's tear-stained face remained in his mind, the more his cry turned into muffled sobs. Cersei must have felt it, as his chest was panting against her back, but she let him have his release in peace, no questions asked, for she was still crying her own sorrow.

 

Jaime Lannister cried himself to sleep inside the skull of a long-dead dragon.


	2. Kill us, Jaime!

Time stood still for them.

 

When Jaime started regaining his senses, he had no notion of how long it had passed. His beard felt damp from tears and his head felt as heavy as after a long nightmare… except the nightmare was far from over. The darkness of their shallow grave allowed no room for assumptions. There was no way in which he could know if the sun had set over the ruins of King’s Landing. He may have slept for mere minutes, or long hours… Regardless, it was all the same for a man awaiting death.   

 

Cersei seemed well awake and calmer than before. Jaime could feel her caressing her bump with both hands while humming a melody. He stood still, trying to recognise it and when he did, he smiled. Like a drunkard of the Rock or traveller on the Kingsroad, his highborn sister was humming the Rains of Castamere. Buried alive underneath the waste of her own castle, Queen Cersei was singing unapologetically the glory of House Lannister… and for that, he loved her. Jaime’s arms wrapped tightly around her and, catching the rhythm of the tune, he murmured the lyrics for her:   

 

_“And who are you, the proud Lord said, that I must bow so low… only a cat of a different coat… it’s all the truth I know…”_

Cersei chuckled and joined him atop of her voice: _“In a coat of gold, a coat of red, a lion still has claws… and mine are long and sharp my Lord, as long and sharp as yours.”_

And so they sang, and so they sang the twins of Casterly Rock, until the chorus became too painful. Cersei’s singing voice was at once reduced to tears: _“… but now the rains weep o’er his hall… with no one there to hear… yes, the rains weep o’er his hall… and not one soul TO HEAR!”_ She shouted. Jaime did not stop her.

 

“HEEEEEEEEEEYYY! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEY! ANYONE THERE!!!” Cersei screamed and attempted to stand up, to the degree the narrow space allowed her. She started banging her fists in the skull. “HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!”

 

“Stop it! Stop it!” Jaime grabbed her by a wrist and forced her to ground. “The rocks will collapse on us if you damage the skull.”

 

Cersei pushed him so hard, that Jaime groaned when his back hit the dragon’s jaw. She tried to stand again, banging her fists on the bones a couple more times before saying bitterly through clenched teeth: “The entire Keep collapsing on the skull did not harm it, but a pregnant woman having a go at it will definitely get the dragon crumbling to pieces! You truly are the…”

 

“… stupidest Lannister?” Jaime hissed at her. “Yes, I know that all too well! You’ve made it clear plenty of times before. Go on then… have a row with the dragon, if you feel it’s worth wasting your energy on it.”

 

Cersei sighed and lowered herself to her knees, her body facing him. To Jaime’s astonishment, his sister muttered an apology: “I am sorry, Jaime… I’m sorry for all the times I’ve offended you…”

 

“You’re sorry?” He asked as if unable to believe his ears. “You’ve never been sorry for anything in your life...”

 

She rolled her eyes. “I’ve been sorry for many things my whole life. I’ve just never had the luxury of being able to show it… nothing like dying a slow death in utter darkness to help one see more clearly…” Cersei shook her head and sighed. “Oh, Jaime, Jaime… I think we may have made a great mistake not dying when we had the chance.”

 

Jaime groaned in frustration: “Yes… I’ve been coming into that realisation as well.”

 

Quick as a feline, Cersei plunged onto him and cupped his face with her hands. She leaned in and pressed her lips on his, kissing him with hungry desperation. Taken completely by surprise, Jaime froze, unable to react. Cersei broke the kiss as abruptly as she initiated it:

 

“Kill us, Jaime! Kill us!” She begged.

 

“What?” Jaime whispered.

 

“Does anyone know where we are? Does anyone care? Face it, Jaime! No one will come for us! No one will ever find us alive… and if by a miracle they do, we’ll be taken before the damned dragon girl and she will kill us anyway! We should have died, Jaime! We should have accepted it and let it happen… I don’t want to die slowly… I don’t want to die for days and days…” Cersei broke into tears again, her cries louder and more hopeless by the second. Her hands dropped from his face and she wrapped her arms tightly around her belly. Despite not seeing anything in the darkness that surrounded them, Jaime was painfully aware of his sister’s every motion given the close proximity of their bodies. “I don’t want to feel my baby die inside me! I don’t want to feel my body failing him… her! I don’t want to die of thirst, Jaime… of hunger… Kill us, Jaime! Kill us… please…pleaaseeee pleeaasee…”

 

“I cannot…” Jaime whispered.

 

“You can! And you must!” Cersei’s hands moved from her middle to his. “Drive your sword through my heart and then through yours… it will be quick and we’ll hold each other tight as our blood spills and it becomes one again, just as it was when we were inside mother’s womb… you and I, the halves of a whole, as we've always been!”

 

Her words sent shivers down his spine. Jaime’s hand took one of hers in his, and lifted it to his lips. “My sweet, sweet sister…” Jaime pressed repeated kisses on her hand. “My sweet sister… I don’t have it… I don’t have the sword…” He whispered painfully. She gasped at his words, but before long she realised there was another way.

 

“Well then… kill me with your bare hand…” Cersei begged licking the tears from her wet lips. “I’ve been told you would…” She whispered. “When the tears have drowned you, she said… when the tears have drowned me and they've drowned me now… my little brother shall wrap his hands on my throat and choke the life out of me…”

 

“Cersei…” Jaime wanted to beg her to stop, but she just carried on.

 

“It’s not Tyrion… it’s you, you’re my little brother… you’re my little brother! It’s been you all along! You’re my Valonqar!” Cersei cried. “Kill me, Jaime! Kill me! It’s my fate… it’s always been my fate! Kill me!” She grabbed Jaime’s hand in a tight grip and forced it up to her own throat. “Do it, Jaime… do it! Kill me! KILL ME!”

 

All too used to answering each and every one of her commands, Jaime’s hand obliged. He started strangling her harder and harder, until Cersei struggled for air…

 

 _“You’re not like your sister… you’re better than her! You’re a good man…”_  Brienne's calming voice pierced through his mind.

 

Without questioning the thought twice, Jaime let go. Cersei was coughing hard, struggling to regain her breath. Jaime wanted to shout to her that he would not do it, that he could not do it because he had changed, because he was no longer the man who accepted to do the dirty work for her… but the words that eventually left his mouth were quite different: 

 

“And what am I supposed to do when you’re dead? Stay here with your corpse for days until I finally perish myself?”

 

“You can…” Cersei’s voice came out more strangled than she had intended. She coughed in an attempt to clear it, before continuing: “Well, I suppose you could hit your head hard on the dragon skull!”

 

At first, he frowned, but then Jaime burst into laughter. Cersei followed suit whole-heartedly.

 

“I cannot believe you nearly choked me to death and I nearly allowed it!”

 

“You’re mad, Cersei… you’re utterly mad!”

 

“Let’s fuck, Jaime…” – came the reply with which she fully confirmed his statement. Before getting the chance to blink, Cersei’s hands were on his trousers. Jaime grabbed one of her wrists and with the golden hand pushed her gently away.

 

“No, Cersei.” Jaime replied resolutely.

 

“No?” Cersei inquired in such a manner that Jaime could swear he saw her eyebrows arching into a frown. He could see nothing, of course, he just knew his sister well enough to predict her facial expressions based on the tone she used. “It’s tight… I know, but we can make it work! Just think about it, Jaime. Fucking inside a dragon-head! We’ll be dead soon anyway… let’s make it a pleasurable affair… let’s fuck ourselves to death… over and over and over again!”

 

“No, Cersei.” Jaime repeated as resolutely as the first time.

 

Cersei sighed and Jaime knew her frame of mind changed yet again. She took both her hands off him and sat down, back leaning against the opposite dragon jaw from him, mimicking his position. It was the furthest she could be from him, but their knees were touching, courtesy of the small space. Jaime regretted rejecting her as soon as he realised she started crying again. Her abrupt mood swings were exhausting, to say the least, but he knew his sister well enough to understand that the cause of her being more volatile than usual was the all-consuming fear she was trying to suppress. Throughout her life, Cersei had known her fair share of negative emotions. She’d known loss from an early age, she’d known pain soon after, and she’d known humiliation and the absence of love throughout her marriage – but fear, gut-wrenching fear, was something his sister had experienced only twice in her life: during Stannis’s attack of King’s Landing and during her imprisonment by the Faith Militant. On neither occasion was Jaime there for her, and the shame of having failed his twin in her darkest hours was still haunting him at times. One of the reasons for which he had left Winterfell was precisely not letting his sister face a sure defeat alone. He was supposed to protect her at all cost, and when protection was no longer something he could do, he had to at least provide her with the mental and emotional support she so desperately needed. And if what Cersei needed was to feel him warm inside her, he should have just obliged.

 

“Come here…” Jaime said tenderly reaching for her. "Let's fuck..."

 

“I know…” Cersei whispered without making any move. “I know you don’t love me anymore…” Jaime's hand froze mid-air. He closed his eyes and squeezed them hard, wishing with his entire core for her not to start that conversation. “I have known for a while…”

 

“Cersei…” Jaime whispered, getting on his knees, his hand searching for her face in the darkness. “That is not true… it could never be true.”

 

“Oh, but it is, Jaime…” She cut him, slapping his hand off. “You stopped loving me the way you've done for so long somewhere down the road between the war mistakes we’ve made, the deaths of our children and you meeting that beast… I just want to know exactly when!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone who's ever had feelings for two different people at the same time knows how difficult it is to navigate through them. Poor Jaime... I wish him good luck.
> 
> Please let me know your thoughts on the story so far. Your comments motivate me to keep on writing.


	3. You burnt them all!

Jaime shook his head and sat back, leaning once again on the skull. He closed his eyes and rested his head on the cold bone. The sanest, as well as the safest choice was not to engage in that sort of conversation with his sister. Not when their days were numbered; not when they had to spend the rest of their miserable lives in under five meters square; not ever. He had already gotten – wilfully – inside the jaws of a dragon; he would not do the mistake of putting his head in the lioness’s mouth as well. But, as it had been the case for most of his life, the decision was not his to make.

 

After several minutes of tense silence, time in which Cersei had dried her latest tears and had reconsidered her mood, she hissed at him: “Will you ignore me until we die now?”

 

That, Jaime knew all too well, he could not do. Taking in a deep breath, he replied calmly: "No, Cersei... I am here for you and I will be until you die."

 

"Until I die?" She asked bitterly.

 

"Why are you determined to be like this?” Jaime inquired shaking his head. “I am here! I am here in spite of everything and against all odds! I galloped south – for you, ended up a prisoner – for you, ran towards King’s Landing through fire and blood… for you!" He groaned, his patience running thin. "Every stupid decision I have ever made in this life was for you! And I would probably do it all over again! All for you and always for you! I am here – with you – to live my last moments – with you – and die – with you! My whole life has been about you! What more could you possibly desire?”

 

The pain in Jaime’s voice was matched only by the coldness in hers: “For you to mean it!”

 

His heart skipped a beat and his green eyes turned several shades darker. Jaime glared at her with a look that rivalled the deadliness of a thousand arrows. However, the message did not land, for she could not see him in the darkness. With clenched teeth, he whispered harshly: “For me to mean it?”

 

“For you to mean it!” Cersei repeated defiantly, a touch of venom in her tone.

 

The reply drove him mad. Enraged, Jaime hit the skull with his golden hand and found the impact strangely soothing. Without thinking twice of it, he repeated the move, and then again, and again. The sound of gold on bone became deafening, but Jaime did not stop. Soon the clinking fell into the rhythm of an anxious bell. Cersei covered her ears with her hands. All she could hear in the noises made by Jaime was the bell of King’s Landing sounding in surrender. Her blood began to boil at the mere thought. It was the sound of her defeat.

 

Cersei wished for her brother to stop and, when he did not, she screamed with the fury of a cornered lion. When Cersei's roaring grew louder than his noises, Jaime stopped. When he did, so did she.

 

“You want to drive me insane?” Cersei accused, her heart skipping beats in anger.

 

“You are insane!” Jaime replied. “You are insane... and hurtful and ungrateful! For me to mean it… I fucking mean it, Cersei! I fucking mean to die here with you! How can you not see it?”

 

“You are stuck, Jaime! You cannot leave, it’s not a choice! It’s just a fact! Get down your high horse and stop claiming you are choosing me.”

 

Jaime plunged on her, pinning her body to the skull. He straddled her and his left hand gripped her face tightly. Cersei tried to push him, but it was in vain. He was strong, particularly when he wanted to be.

 

“I DID CHOOSE YOU!" Jaime shouted leaning in. His mouth was so close to hers, she could feel his words becoming the air she breathed: "I chose to die with you, you hateful, spiteful creature! It took everything I had to choose it, but I did! I chose you over and over again, although you have brought out the worst in me my entire life! You poisoned my mind day in and day out since we were little children and I ate your every word, your every look, your every touch! I worshipped you and the ground you walked on and you gave me half measures in return! You were my everything, but I was never yours! I was just another pawn to you! You claimed to be my wife in all but law and I have respected you as such without regret, for there was nothing I wanted more! Meanwhile, you took lovers for the sake of pleasure as soon as I was imprisoned. I was desperate to get back to you and when I did you greeted me with open disgust! You spoiled my eldest son until you turned him into a monster and you drove my youngest one off a window right after you BURNT THEM ALL inside the Sept of Baelor… you want to know when my feelings turned? It was then! It was when you did what I slayed a King to prevent from happening!”

 

Cersei gasped in shock. At once Jaime's hand ungripped her face and he jolted away from her, back into his corner. He was shaken by his own reaction and embarrassed by the manner in which the truth had been forced out of him. Needless to say, he already regretted it.

 

His sister was petrified. She started biting hard at her own lips in order to hold back a new round of tears. It was a while until she could trust herself to speak, and when she did, only a painful whisper filled the silence:

 

“I did not kill Tommen.”

 

Jaime sighed, cursing himself for the outburst. In the past weeks, while riding south from Winterfell, he had bottled up a lot of tension that kept threatening to blast out. He had managed to keep his emotions at bay for a bitter while, but Cersei's utter disregard of his gesture for her got to him. Seven Hells, Jaime thought, his sister knew how to get inside his head. He should have known better than arguing with her by now. He should have kept quiet and let her calm down. He should have not engaged in that conversation and, if it was not too late, he wanted to finish it.

 

Thus, he did not reply. Cersei waited for him to say something, and when she understood he wouldn’t, another painful whisper followed:

 

“If I killed Tommen, you killed Myrcella!”

 

Jaime’s body tensed once again. He bit his tongue hard to prevent himself from reacting badly once again. But Cersei continued: “You dare speak to me of my children? You dare accuse me of failing them when you’ve never been anything in their lives? You knew our children less than Robert did! You cared for them less than Tyrion! You were nothing to them, Jaime… nothing at all!”

 

“I did not have a choice!” Jaime hissed. “I did not have the chance to be much to them and even less a father… You forbade any meaningful interaction out of a well-justified fear for their lives… I did not question it because I knew you were right and because it was you I loved before all else. I cared for our children, I truly did… but you are right - I did not love them the way you did. I loved them for what they meant to you… I loved them for what they did to you, for the way in which they brought out the best in you, your tenderest heart and your sweetest nature… I loved knowing they gave you meaning, I loved knowing they were your light in the darkness, I loved knowing you were happy to have babes and I loved knowing I made it happen… I never thought I would be a father, I never cared for it much and I never needed it…” Jaime paused to draw in a deep breath: “…not until Myrcella’s death.”

 

Cersei was not ready to let go of her negative feelings, so she poked him again: “Letting your daughter die awakened some buried paternal feelings?”

 

But she was wrong, her words did not enrage Jaime again, they broke him:

 

“You think I do not blame myself?” Jaime said painfully, a tear running down his face. “You think I do not know I could not save her? I dream of her innocent face all blooded more often than I dream of you, because, for the shortest while, Myrcella was _my_ child… the child who made my heart ache in pain for all I have never had a right to have, the child who just by calling me father made me dream I could be one…”

 

“What?” Cersei asked and her voice trembled in distress.

 

“Myrcella knew, Cersei…” Jaime whispered. “She knew I was her father… After we boarded the ship from Dorne, I do not know what possessed me to try to talk to her about feelings. I think all I wanted was to make sure she was happy, that she was in love… I looked at her and saw you when you were her age. So pure and beautiful, I wanted to protect her from pain and sorrow the way I could not protect you. I wanted to make sure her life would be nothing like yours… that she would know nothing of the sadness, pain and humiliation you’ve had to endure. I wanted her to know her uncle had her back, to know that I would fight the world for her right at happiness… I said nothing of that, you know how words come out all wrong when the nerves get the best of me. I don’t know what I mumbled, something about not choosing whom we love.” Jaime’s eyes were filled with tears. “And she told me she knew I was her father, that she had known for a while and that she was happy about it! My daughter said she was happy I was her father and then she died.”

 

Cersei crawled to him and Jaime dragged her into his arms. She buried her face into his neck and her tears wiped on his skin: “I wanted my children to live…” She whispered.

 

“I know…” Jaime kissed her forehead long enough for her to feel he was crying too. “I am sorry for losing my temper… I am sorry for shouting at you, for hurting you... I am sorry for mentioning Tommen's death... please forgive me...”

 

“You think I do not blame myself?” Cersei replied repeating his words. She moved away from his embrace and sat on her knees in front of him. “I was so upset with him, with the way in which he allowed that little thorn to manipulate him, that I wanted to punish him. I had the King grounded in his room, with the Mountain at his door, while I watched the Sept blowing up. I thought I have won. I never thought Tommen would… that he would…”

 

“Shhh…” Jaime pressed his palm on her mouth. "Don't say it... it matters no more... It won't bring him back, it won't bring any of them back... You are just hurting yourself and I would rather you not!" He pleaded softly.

 

“I hoped the babe would give us another chance… a real chance this time. I really did, Jaime! I wanted you to be a father for a child of ours… but it came too late… you had already stopped loving me and a child could not change it…”

 

Jaime sighed: “I may not be the man I used to be, Cersei… but you are my twin, our bond is unbreakable and I love you, I always have and I always will…”

 

“But…” Cersei whispered.

 

“But it’s been at least half a day since we’ve been entrapped and we should rest… we should stop fighting, we should save our energy to last longer… because Tyrion will come for us…”

 

“No one is coming, Jaime… we will die here! I am terrified, I am losing my mind… but it will happen - we will die here - even if I cry and scream and hit the dragon for three days straight. I, Queen Cersei of the House Lannister, First of Her Name, Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Protec… well... that's a lie, because I protected no fucking Kindom. That’s why I will die of hunger and thirst in the ruins of my capital… I am trying to make peace with it and hence I demand to hear what comes after ‘but’.”

 

“I said no ‘but’.” Jaime shook his head.

 

“Over four moons ago, you abandoned - truly abandoned - me for the first time since we were born. You rode North against my will, with no army, no friends, no support. You did not do it for me. You did not do it for our child. You did not do it for our House. You did it for yourself! You have never done anything for yourself in our lives before. You had no reason to believe you would survive. You are but a one-handed knight who thinks poorly of himself... and yet you left me to join an enemy you had no guarantees would forgive you and accept your services. You were sure you would die and you chose death instead of living with me. So Jaime… do not lie. There is a ‘but’! Our bond is unbreakable, you love me and you always will, but…”

 

"But..." Jaime whispered. The truth was he did not know how to express what came after "but". He had never dared to put it into words. He had barely dared to think of that deep truth coming after "but". How could he confess the "but" in front of Cersei of all people?

 

"But..." Cersei demanded again.

 

"But... _but..._ I am in love with another."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How is everyone holding up after the finale?
> 
> I would love to hear what you think of the chapter! Xx


	4. Without hope, without witness, without reward...

The moment Jaime had uttered the words he expected them to be his very last. Knowing his sister as he thought he did, Jaime awaited for her to jump straight at his throat. Cersei had never been the type to accept sharing her possessions and she surely thought of her twin as being one. She was even less inclined to appreciate betrayal and Jaime’s words surely amounted to that. He expected her to scream again, to slap him, to hit him with her rock ring or even to strangle him… To some extent, he hoped she would do any or all of that, as he surely deserved to be thoroughly punished for admitting to the truth. But to Jaime’s dismay, nothing of the sort happened.

 

Cersei had no reaction at all – not even as much as a sigh or the move of a finger. The longer she remained quiet and utterly still, the more terrified Jaime became. The fact that he could not see her at all meant he had no idea what the lion in his cage would do next.

 

“Cers...” Jaime whispered in vain. Barely able to control his hand from trembling, he dared to reach for her. He knew she was right there, in front of him, on her knees. He wanted to touch her face to make sure she had not turned into a rock. But before his fingers could brush over her skin, she moved. She seemed to turn her back at him and lay down on the cold ground.

 

She could not go too far away from him, but Cersei nonetheless made sure to put as much physical distance between them as the small skull allowed. Curled up in the foetal position, her knees and head were grazing the front teeth of the dragon, while her back was only barely touching Jaime’s legs. He was still leaning on one of the jaws, towards the back of the skull, which gave him slightly more space than she had claimed for herself.

 

“Cersei…” Jaime sighed and reached again to touch her, but she jerked away, this time more violently, her body compressing even more towards the front of the dragon’s mouth.

 

He felt his heart aching, but he understood the message. The only thing he could do was to respect her desire for being left alone. Wanting to give her more space, Jaime pressed himself on the rocks blocking their exit at the back of the skull.

 

“Cersei…” Jaime whispered again after a short while and held his breath while waiting for an answer that was not to come. Resigning himself with her reaction, or lack thereof, he settled for keeping quiet, while listening to her breathing. Jaime was trying to hear any sound that indicated she might be crying at his expense. He was mortified by the thought. But no such indication came. If Cersei was indeed crying upon his confession, she did it silently, not letting any emotion show. Jaime stood still for a long while, listening to the rhythm of her breathing. As it evened out, Jaime realised his sister had fallen asleep…

 

He reached for her again and touched her arm. Cersei did not move. Jaime stroked her arm lovingly, his heart filled with regret. As quietly as a one-handed man could, he removed his jacket and covered his sister’s curled up body with it. He was somewhat comforted by the thought she was finally resting after a long journey through hell. After his grossly approximate calculation, the first rays of sun should have already cast their light over the roasted ruins of King’s Landing.

 

When his sister let out a subtle snort, Jaime finally relaxed. He had worried so much about Cersei’s reaction to his confession, that he had given no thought to his own. His sister had made him voice a feeling, a truth, a reality he had never dared to voice before… and he desperately needed to understand what he had just admitted to.

 

With a pounding heart, Jaime closed his eyes and allowed himself to process his feelings.

 

 _'I am in love with another…'_ The words echoed in his mind. Jaime swallowed hard. _'In love with another…'_ He thought again. _'In love… I am in love… in love…'_ Jaime kept repeating the words in his head until their true meaning settled deep inside his core. He was in love! The sudden revelation hit him hard. He was in love! For the first time in years, he – Jaime Lannister – was in love!

 

His lips curled up in a shy smile, which vanished quickly before being fully formed. Now that he had opened his inner depository of suppressed emotions and neglected feelings, so many of them demanded to be considered at once! A whirlwind of thoughts invaded his mind and thousands of memories replayed before his eyes at maddening speed. 

 

Jaime took in a deep breath and tried to quiet his mind. With great effort, he managed to push behind the least important issues and focused on a single nagging thought. For a reason he could yet to understand, Jaime's mind fixated obsessively on five words: "the first time in years". Something deep within revolted at the association of those five words with his revelation. For the first time in years, he - Jaime Lannister - was in love! But was that true after all? Was he in love for the first time in years, or was he in love for the first time - period? Jaime bit his lower lip hard. Had he ever been in love before? Had he ever been in love with Cersei, or had he just loved her unconditionally his whole life?  

 

Jaime remembered well how it had all started with his twin. They were both barely eight when they had shared their first kiss. During those days, Cersei was glowing brighter than gold, fed on a medley of happiness, pride, and ambition, for their father had just confessed he was to arrange her betrothal to Prince Rhaegar. To his utter surprise, Jaime could not feel happy for his sister’s good fortune. He and his twin had been inseparable since birth and Jaime found himself consumed by a fit of irrational jealousy at the idea of her leaving him to be with someone else. Oblivious to his upset, Cersei spent hours and days fantasising about becoming a Targaryen. One time, Jaime discovered a couple of drawings she had made of valiant Prince Rhaegar. The discovery bothered him to such an extent, that he stole the drawings and threw them inside a bread oven. Then one night, _the night_ , Cersei would not shut up about the Targaryens’ history. She knew everything there was to know in excruciating detail, curtsey to her compulsive perfectionist character.

 

 _'Not Balerion...'_ Cersei's voice rang loud in his mind. That was what she had shouted when they reached the dragon skulls. Jaime needed a while to remember what the name even meant, but his sister knew it right away. ' _Not Balerioen!'_   rang the strong reminiscence of the times Cersei Lannister had seen herself as Cersei Targaryen. Jaime was sure that if he asked, Cersei could tell him the exact name and history of the dragon they were entrapped in... not that he cared to know.

 

Going back to his memories, Jaime conjured again that one night, _the night_ , when she would not shut up about the Targaryens. What he distinctively remembered was that her enthusiasm made him want to say something mean. And so he did:

 

 _'I heard the Targaryens are kissing their brothers and sisters…'_ Was the only thing he could come up with. ' _Isn't that terribly wrong of them, sweet sister?’_

 

Cersei held her breath. For a short second, Jaime thought he had upset her and felt guilty for it. That, however, had not been the case. In truth, Cersei was merely bothered by her inability to answer him. His sister believed she alone held the answer to all questions and not knowing what to tell Jaime enraged her. She looked at him with her green eyes sparkling and whispered in a low voice:

 

 _'Well, let’s see! If it feels wrong, it must be wrong!’_ Cersei decreed with regal authority and the next thing Jaime knew were her lips on his.

 

None of them had any idea of what they were doing, but Jaime remembers their lips moving together in a surprising union for what was the better part of a whole minute. When Cersei pulled back, she looked at him with surprise registering in her mind – her thoughts were his as well: it did not feel wrong!

 

As time passed and he became a grown man, Jaime knew all too well his and Cersei’s relationship was indeed terribly wrong. He knew it rationally and he knew it so deep within his core that there were many times when he felt ashamed to think of it. The only problem was that being with her had never felt wrong! _‘If it feels wrong, it must be wrong…’_ and Jaime had clung to her words whenever in doubt.

 

His mind's voice fell silent and Cersei's became the voice that guided his life. Before he knew, he lived for her. No sacrifice was too great when it was done for his sweet sister! Willingly, Jaime sacrificed his good conscience, his honour and his future. Only when he was with her, Jaime felt complete. His life became but an extension of hers.

 

Cersei became his everything and he became her right-hand man! 

 

Jaime’s eyes opened wide as the words echoed in his mind. All thoughts and analyses of what being in love meant were suddenly thrown off his mind. They matter no more in the light of his new revelation. 

 

Jaime’s left hand moved to his right arm, his heart skipping beats.  _'I was that hand...'_ he thought and he felt a sudden tingle in his stump.  _'I truly was that hand...'_ He allowed his mind to contemplate the meaning of it. A whole new understanding of his own life was laid before his eyes. His sword hand had been his whole identity - it made him a knight, it made him a Kingslayer, but most importantly it made him Cersei's! He had truly been nothing else but Cersei's right-hand man... until the very moment he had lost his right hand. Then everything changed!

 

Nothing had ever been the same after his hand had gone. Not for him, not for Cersei, not for them!

 

His sister took his mutilation as a personal insult. When he needed comfort, Cersei did nothing but expose her ugliest colours... and it's been ugly colours ever since. Jaime sighed. He used to think of his sister as the colour red for she was passion, fire, fertility, and Lannister. She was everything red was. But red was a colour that could slip to dark easier than any other. From red to brown and black was but a few steps, and Cersei took them all.

 

The deaths of their children and that of their father amounted to leaps towards darkness. With each of those losses, Cersei's worst traits intensified. Her hatefulness, her hatred, her disregard for other humans, her paranoia, her cruelty...

 

Tears fell down Jaime's face. With bleeding heart, it was the time for him to openly acknowledge that, for a second time in his life, the monarch he was sworn to protect had turned mad before his eyes... What was even worse, but it nonetheless had to be admitted as well, was how - for a second time in his life - he had allowed it to happen without blinking an eye! 

 

A lifetime ago, when King Aerys began burning people and forced the whole court to watch, Jaime did nothing for he tried not to judge the man he had vowed to protect. He shielded himself from reality through a mirage. In order to cope with the atrocities he was forced to witness, Jaime chose to 'go away inside'... to drift far off within his own thoughts and be with the person who brought him most joy. Every time Aerys condemned another soul, Jaime stood tall as the Kingsguard he was, but beneath the firm stance, he searched for his sweet Cersei in his mind. Without fail he found her there and made love to her beneath the crimson sheets of Casterly rock, while somewhere far outside his mind raged the screams of the Mad King's burning enemies.

 

Then the wheel turned... and it was his sweet Cersei committing atrocities. His only relief had turned into his worst nightmare before his eyes... and before long, Jaime was living the mirage again. Every time Cersei condemned another soul, Jaime stood tall as her 'kinsguard' and did nothing to stop her... he did nothing but "go away inside" and, beneath a firm stance, he searched for  _another_ in his mind. Without fail he found her there and fought beside her in the green forests of the Seven Kingdoms, while somewhere far outside his mind gloomed the plots devised by the newly Mad Queen.   

 

 _Another…_ Jaime thought, his mind unable to utter her name.  _Another_ had become his only relief and he was deeply in love with her! In love for the first time in his entire life, he admitted to himself, for he finally understood why his mind had revolted at the five words. They were untrue!

 

Jaime loved Cersei unconditionally his whole life. He loved her deeply and truly. But that love was a given, for Cersei was his twin, blood of his blood in the most literal way.

 

 _In love_ , on the other hand, was something infinitely more fluid. It was the endpoint of a process of self-discovery, the unexpected destination of a journey which had taken him all the way from being the Starks' prisoner to defending their ancestral Winterfell.  _In love_ was seeing beneath the surface, it was keeping an uncomfortable promise, it was 'fucking loyalty'.       

 

Jaime closed his eyes and went away inside... deep, deep inside. A smile curled up his lips. There she was, his one relief, his sweet relief... there she was in the twinkling firelight, in her bedchamber at Winterfell. Jaime wanted her to comfort him... but his mind would not allow it! His inner depository of suppressed emotions and neglected feelings had a few more punches to give.

 

Thus, there she was, his one relief, his sweet relief... there she was in the twinkling firelight, in her bedchamber at Winterfell... but she was not happy. She was all flustered by Tyrion’s rude remark regarding her virginity. And there he was, in her room, after having just rushed after her from the great hall. There he was for all the wrong reasons. To his shame, Jaime had not followed her to ensure she was alright, he had followed her to ensure she was a virgin indeed!

 

Jaime sighed and shook his head hard trying to block the avalanche of despicable truths associated with his short stay in Winterfell. But the hour of reckoning was upon him and Jaime was forced to face his crimes before the harshest of all judges - none other than the man who hated him the most. 

 

Unconsciously in love with her, Jaime chose Winterfell over King's Landing. He put his life on the line and did not hope to live. The problem was that he did! He had galloped North to die urged by feelings he did not understand. 

 

 _'What are you doing?'_ She had demanded to know upon his arrival.

 

 _'What?_ _'_ Came his confused reply.

 

 _'I think you know!'_ She accused.

 

 _'Actually, I don't!'_ And Jaime now realised no words were truer. He had not known why he was there... he had not known he was in love with her.

 

And that was his most terrible mistake. Not understanding his own motives meant that Jaime had acted on all the wrong feelings normally associated with infatuation: 

 

 _'You sound quite jealous…'_ She had whispered. And on Seven Hells that had been the truth! Jaime shook his head cursing himself. Among his many other flaws, he was also a jealous man, an extremely jealous man. And thus, after years in which he had struggled against his impulses towards _her_ , on that night, their night, he had been sent off the edge not by his love, but by his jealousy! Jaime bit his lip remembering how desperate their first kiss had been. He felt like a true lion claiming his prey with the urgency of years of starvation. He felt he had to make her his or the world would just end! Nothing else in the world mattered! Absolutely nothing at all! 

 

 _'You did it for yourself...'_ Cersei had said during their discussion. Yes! Yes! Yes! Jaime's mind screamed! Yes, he had done it for himself! Jaime's whole life had been about someone else right to the very moment he had made the honourable Brienne of Tarth his one selfish act. Her name resonated loud in his mind now that his crime had been confessed.      

  

His head spun at all those thoughts he had never had the courage to think before, words he had never dared to mutter and realities he had turned his face from.

 

 _Love is the end of duty._ Said a Westerosi proverb. And Jaime abandoned his Queen and galloped North to act on his selfish love...

 

Jaime shook his head, disgusted at himself. He had no right to do it! His incredible selfishness had done nothing but break Brienne's heart. His inability to understand and control his own emotions affected her more than it affected anyone else. What good came out of him being in love with her?! Absolutely none! For he had not understood his feelings until Cersei forced them out of his mouth.

 

The only feelings he had acted on during his short stay in Winterfell were jealousy and selfishness. Jaime had made Brienne his for he refused to allow anyone else to have her first. Jaime had stayed with her for weeks for she made him feel better than he had ever felt.  _'You did it for yourself...'_ Cersei's words accused again.

 

He had done it for himself until he suddenly remembered he was nothing but his sister's right-hand man. It was ironic how acting selflessly was in his case infinitely more despicable than being selfish.  

 

Jaime groaned in self-hatred and all of a sudden wished he had died at the hands of Robb Stark! For that was what he truly deserved! He should have died before ever affecting Brienne of Tarth's life in any way.

 

"Forgive me..." Jaime heard himself say out loud. "Brienne, forgive me..." He begged in darkness, tears falling down his face.

 

Jaime closed his eyes and went away inside. Brienne awaited for him there. She was dressed in a beautiful silver armour, the crest of Tarth on her chest and a blue cape falling in waves down her shoulders. She stood tall in the middle of the forest where it had all begun. He was on the ground, on his knees, in front of her. To his surprise, he had two hands and they were both pressed together in support of his begging words: 

 

_'Forgive me, Ser Brienne... Forgive me for not understanding what my journey meant and why it had led me to Winterfell. Forgive me for not rising to the expectations you had of me. Forgive me for failing your trust that there was goodness beneath the surface. Forgive me for dishonouring you. Forgive me for abandoning you. Forgive me for dying without telling you the truth...'_

 

In his mind, Brienne looked down at his begging figure with nothing but mistrust in her sapphire blue eyes. Jaime's heart shuttered at the realisation that his words meant nothing to her. He wanted to do something for her, something - anything - that could give substance to his pleas for forgiveness.    

 

His mind drifted to his golden hand. Jaime sighed, realising that hand had made him miserable from the first time he saw it. It not only represented Cersei's disgust, but it also represented everything Brienne hated about him. It was the unasked for glorification of his Kingslayer persona. It kept him chained to what he used to be - an extension of Cersei's life, her right-hand man - while at the same time it invalidated his only honourable act - Brienne's defence, him becoming her one-handed knight.

 

Jaime closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. If those were to be his last moments of life, Jaime had the duty to put an end to his all-consuming identity crisis. He had the duty to choose who he truly was.

 

"I choose honour..." Jaime decreed aloud.

 

No one would ever know - certainly not Brienne, the one person who had made it happen - but Jaime did not care for he finally understood: change had to come from within and had to be accepted within. He understood that good was good in the final hour, in the darkest pit - without hope, without witness, without reward.

 

The only way in which he could honour Brienne was to finally stop hating himself. 

 

Jaime opened the stripes of his golden hand and took it off slowly, while in his mind, in his mirage, he drew out Widow's Wail. He looked at Brienne's justiciary figure towering over him. In one quick and determined swing of the sword, Jaime severed his right-hand.

 

He screamed in pain so loudly, that Cersei jolted wide awake. 

 

Sobbing and reliving the agony of having a body part removed, Jaime placed his golden hand on the ground. In his mind, with blood dripping from the freshly severed wrist, Jaime laid his right hand at Brienne's feet. 

 

"I choose honour from this day and until the end of my days!" Jaime vowed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huh... writing this chapter drained me. I've tried to perfect it for more than a week and I hope I managed to do justice to the idea of Jaime being reborn.
> 
> I would love to hear what you think of the chapter. Xx
> 
> Also - 100 points to the person who spots the stolen quote from another fandom.


	5. That far gone...

“Jaime…” Cersei whispered with worry in her voice. She crawled at once to him, all traces of her former upset gone. “Jaime… Jaime…”

 

He was crying harder than he had cried when he truly lost his hand. Cradling his stump to his chest, Jaime felt excruciating physical pain. The gesture made in the depths of his mind had been purely metaphorical, but it felt real nonetheless. At his own accord, Jaime severed his sword hand and abandoned a whole part of himself. The decision took a great amount of courage and energy, leaving him distraught and exhausted. Crying the way he did felt infinitely liberating, so Jaime let it all out.

 

“Jaime…” Cersei whispered again and dragged him to her chest. His head rested on her bosom. She wrapped her arms around him and rocked him slowly back and forth.

 

“It’s alright… everything is alright…” His sister whispered a promise while caressing his hair in a most maternal way. Cersei pressed a kiss on his head and began humming a ballad in his ear, hoping the melody would soothe him. He recognised it at once. It was a song about a beautiful woman dressed in green… it used to be their mother’s favourite song. In their early and happy childhood, their mother sang it as a lullaby over their double cot. It was what she did right before going into labour. It was what she did the last time Jaime saw his mother. And now Cersei’s voice, tender hands and brushing pecks made him whisper painfully:

 

“Mother…”   

 

Their father had prohibited the song in the Rock and Jaime often forgot about it. Cersei never did. In the evening of their mother’s funeral, her Septa had gifted her with a small musical box and his heartbroken sister held onto it for dear life. What few people knew was that Cersei had never ceased being a heartbroken little girl. Even as Queen, she kept beneath her bed a wooden casket of memories… shells, feathers, pieces of fabric, trinkets that made sense to no one else but her. The musical box was in there too. Going to her room in the dead of the night, Jaime had caught his sister listening to their mother’s song more than once. Whenever he heard her singing or crying to that song, he walked away before she could sense his presence. He did not want to catch Cersei off guard with her grief, but even more importantly he did not want to taint his mother’s memory by fucking his twin. His relationship with Cersei was the reason why Jaime never thought of their mother… the reason why he never allowed himself to miss her.

 

But now, in the sound of his sister’s beautiful voice and the peace he found while being rocked at her chest, Jaime wondered how different would life have been, had their mother lived. How different would they have been without all the neglect and trauma? A certainty was that he and Cersei would have never slipped down the rabbit hole, had their mother been there to guide them. Maybe he would have chosen honour all along. Maybe Cersei would have chosen love over hatred. Maybe Tyrion would have found real protection, not the sham Jaime had provided. They were all broken. They had all made unforgivable mistakes and brought a bad reputation to their family. It was their fault the Kingdoms were at war, it was their fault everyone hurried to curse the Lannister name... but there was goodness in their blood! Jaime knew it deep inside his heart. Their grandfather had been a most benevolent Lord and their mother had been an angel. She was said to have the gift of bringing out the best in people… she even brought the best in their father.

 

Without realising, Jaime prayed he could have one chance to turn his family’s destiny on the path of righteousness and greatness… a dynasty to last a thousand years. A dynasty to help their lands prosper.   

 

Lost in his thoughts, Jaime did not realise when his tears had dried and Cersei’s song had ended. He parted from her chest and touched her face with his hand. He then leaned in and pressed a kiss on her cheek.

 

“Thank you…” Jaime whispered.

 

“Was it a nightmare?” Cersei asked on a low voice.

 

“No, it was a choice…”

 

“Honour… or so you’ve screamed…” She said somewhat politely. Jaime felt the deep distance between them, a rupture caused by his confession. For the first time in their lives, they did not know how to approach each other. They were both guarded.

 

To her credit, Cersei did not turn her back to him again. She sat beside him, back on the dragon jaw, shoulder to shoulder. Feeling the golden hand between them, Cersei took it and placed it on her lap:

 

“I was right…” She decreed, sure on herself. Jaime did not reply, although he knew what she meant. “You did not choose me…” She clarified nonetheless. “I know what I said and I know why I said it, Jaime! I did not mean that you are stuck with me here and now, that you cannot leave because we are entrapped. I meant it as a general truth...” She paused, collecting her thoughts. “I know you, Jaime… I know you better than you know yourself. I know you better than any living soul… I know your strengths, your weaknesses. I know your impulses, your desires… I know what goes on inside your head by merely seeing your eyes, even by merely paying attention to the rhythm of your breathing. Jaime, you loved me more than I ever loved you… but I know you better than you ever knew me. Nothing from what you’ve said since we’re here was unknown to me, although it surprises me how much of what you’ve said was a revelation to you. You’re so impulsive and you hate yourself so much, you hardly ever dare to analyse your actions… Every single thing you've ever done sparked from deep emotions, yet you needed over 40 years to acknowledge those emotions. I don't need to say anything about your confession because you’ve done nothing but confirm truths I have known for years… Although, I would have preferred for you to have the courage to break up with me while I was awake…”

 

“Cersei…” Jaime whispered.

 

She laughed, but it was a sad sound: “Don’t Cersei me, Jaime. I am right. Own it! Dare to voice your choice out loud, not while I am asleep... I am curious how you'd phrase it. How about... I am done with you? Would you say that... no, probably not... how would you say it?”

 

“I don’t want us to fight, Cersei…” He confessed.

 

“We won’t fight…” She assured him. “I lack the energy and the motivation. I am so hungry, I can barely feel anything else than my empty stomach reaching for my spine. We are dying... How many times do I need to tell you this? We are dying, I am dying… we’re done, Jaime. I don’t care about your choice…” He closed his eyes and felt a great emptiness inside. It pained him deeply to hear her sounding so defeated. Cersei sighed and let out another sad chuckle: “How much do you think your break up affects me?” She said somewhat more provoking. “By choice or by mere obligation, you are here with me and you are going to die with me. You freed your mind and spirit and made a choice… that must be great for your conscience. But guess what, brother, you are still stuck with me – and this time I do mean the dragon.”

 

“I know you are hurt, despite denying it.”  

 

“I am not denying anything. That’s what you want to hear, Jaime?”

 

He sighed. The way she used his name so often, made him feel she was taking possession of his soul.

 

“I am hurt. I feel betrayed. My heart is bleeding.” Cersei said casually. “And there is nothing I can do about it. I am powerless. I am nothing.”

 

“Cersei…” He tried to say something comforting, but she did not allow it.

 

“Now, if I were still Queen… that would be a whole different story!” She said as evenly as before. He felt her leaning in towards his ear and he could picture her exactly. He knew his sister leaned in to deliver a threat. He knew even without seeing her that she was with her jaw pressed forward, her lower teeth in front of her upper lip and whatever she was about to say would be spit in such a manner that could kill even stone:

 

“If I were still Queen… I would fight back!” She pressed a kiss on her cheek and settled back beside him, shoulder to shoulder. “If I were still Queen…” She continued casually. “I would ask my guards to seize you. I would have them tie you down and beat you daily. Meanwhile, I would have my soldiers track down your whore and bring her to the capital.”

 

“Cersei!” Jaime groaned threateningly, but she still continued.

 

“I would have her tortured and raped for days… or even better, I would torture her myself and I would force you to watch as she screams in pain! I would make sure she is properly humiliated and mutilated before your eyes… I would break her piece by piece, so slowly that her soul would cease to exist before her body can give in... I would crush her very spirit so that not even the Gods could collect it... and then I’d kill her.”

 

“And I’d kill you!” Jaime growled trying hard to block Cersei’s words from becoming graphic images in his mind.

 

“Sword through the back, Queenslayer?” She inquired as unbothered as asking for the weather.

 

“No…” Jaime said in a low voice. “I would cut your head off with Brienne’s sword and then I’d throw it from the highest window of the Red Keep, before feeding your body to a pit with hungry lions...”

 

Cersei laughed and patted his shoulder: “Good thing we’re dying as we do, brother… looks like living would be gruesome.”

 

Jaime sighed and whispered lowly: “Cersei, aren’t you tired to hold onto hatred? Don’t you want to let go… not even now, in the final hours?”

 

“What would you have me hold onto? Hatred is all I have left… it’s all I had for such a long time. It’s what kept me going, what made me strong.”

 

“It’s what made you weak, Cersei!” Jaime intervened. “The more you succumbed to hatred, the more mistakes you made! You alienated everyone who wanted to be on your side. You call me the stupidest Lannister, but you really think you are the smartest?”

 

“You sound like father…” Cersei noted. “ _I don’t distrust you because you are a woman_ … he told me, _I distrust you because you are not as smart as you think you are_ … Well, good thing I proved him wrong.” She laughed at her own expense. “Can you imagine if he knew how we ruined the House?”

 

“Fuck father!” Jaime groaned. “It’s he who ruined the House by failing to educate his children…”

 

“We failed to educate our children too…” She pointed out.

 

“That we did! And two generations of failures is precisely the reason why House Lannister is currently buried alive.”

 

“There’s Tyrion…” Cersei whispered. “There’s hope…”

 

“It warms my heart to hear you say that…” Jaime admitted sadly. “But the hope is slim… our brother betrayed his Queen so that I could save mine… which I obviously failed to do...”

 

Cersei sighed at his words: “Would you really kill me, Jaime? Would you really do what you said? Would you kill me – your Queen, your twin… for _her_?”

 

“Would you really hurt her? If you truly had the power, knowing how much it would pain me, knowing how it would shatter my heart and break me… would you really touch Brienne?” Jaime whispered fearing the answer. When his sister broke into tears, he knew what she would say:

 

“Probably…” Cersei admitted, then shook her head and sighed: “Yes… Yes, I certainly would.”  

 

“Are you that far gone?” Jaime asked softly. “Is there really no goodness left in you? Can’t you think of anything that could save your soul? Anything that could make you find deliverance?” He begged, his voice breaking.

 

“I don’t think there is, Jaime...” Cersei cried. “I am sorry, brother, this is who I am…”

 

Jaime let out a painful sob. He did not want to believe it. There was goodness in the Lannister blood. There had to be goodness in her too! Someone who sang as softly as his sister, someone whose caresses were as comforting as hers could not be unsavable! Cersei was just a heartbroken little girl! There had to be goodness in her! He knew there was goodness in her, no matter what she said! He believed in her, even if she did not.

 

“What if we lived, Cersei…" Jaime begged, clinging to the idea that maybe their lack of perspective was blinding her. "What if Tyrion came to get us out of here? What if our child could be born… would you still choose hatred over love? Would you wait for your time to take revenge, to reclaim your throne? To hurt me... to hurt Brienne?”

 

Cersei sighed. “Jaime, you know I would!”

 

"Would there be something, anything at all, that I could do to save your soul?" 

 

His sister leaned in and pressed a kiss on his cheek: "No."

 

Jaime kissed her forehead in return, his heart shattered to pieces, his tears wiping off her skin. “Then I am glad we are dying…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Urgh... what do you think of this? Do you think Jaime is right to believe there is good in Cersei, or do you think she is honest with him and with herself?
> 
> The song I had in mind was Greensleeves... one old time favourite of mine.  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-3iE4IStfRs&list=RDMM-3iE4IStfRs&start_radio=1 (this is one of my favourite versions of it).
> 
> See you soon with a new chapter and *I will throw in a bone* with Brienne.


	6. You are human...

Silence fell again between them. Cersei let her head rest on his shoulder and he passed his right arm around her neck. She did not flinch, despite the lack of his golden prostatic. Her hand moved to his stump and held it lightly. They had denied their fate for a few hours, they had taken turns in being angry at each other, at themselves, and at the world, he had bargained for both their souls to find absolution, and now they were entering the final phase of grief. Acceptance. Despite not being what she wanted, Cersei accepted her brother’s choice at shedding that part of himself that was hers. Likewise, with heavy heart, Jaime embraced the fact that his beloved sister slipped beyond saving. Acceptance. To each their own desire, their own choice, their own path beyond the threshold of life.   

 

They did not move or talk for hours and hours, while their bodies weakened by the minute. Sometimes Jaime fell asleep, sometimes she did. Other times they were both awake. Jaime felt at peace, his mind empty of any thoughts, blissfully silent. He hoped Cersei felt the same and he almost believed that to be true… until she started crying.

 

“Cersei…” Jaime whispered, his arm tightening around her. She pushed his arm away and parted from him, her body all tense.

 

“I need…” She managed to say before an outburst of tears overwhelmed her, drowning the rest of the sentence in her throat. Jaime’s hand rested on her back, his heart tied in knots. He wished his sister would not finish her sentence, for he was sure he would die if she begged for water or food. He knew it all too well that they were both hungry and thirsty, that the lack of water would be their demise… but he did not feel strong enough to hear his pregnant sister actually voice the obvious.  

 

“I need…” Cersei cried again, letting out desperate sobs. “I need to empty my bladder…”

 

“Oh…” Jaime exhaled in relief. He felt craven for it, but he could not help it. That was nothing compared to what he had feared she would say. In truth, Jaime had not thought of the issue before, as the lack of fluids and nourishment had slowed down their bodily functions. For him as a man it was easier, but Cersei was a woman and in a delicate condition for that matter. “That’s alright, we’ll pick a corner for it… it’s perfectly alright…”

 

“IT’S NOT ALRIGHT!” Cersei shouted.

 

Jaime forced her upper body to turn towards him and took her face in his hand. “It is! It is perfectly alright! Come here… we’ll use that corner. Everything is fine. It’s no big deal!” He assured her. Jaime rose to his knees and made her do the same. He helped her pull her skirts up, while directing her towards the back of a skull, in a corner beside the rocks blocking their exit.

 

“No, no, no…” Cersei shook her head and slapped his hand off her skirt. “No… no… NO!”

 

“Cersei, don’t be silly! It’s no big deal! You are human, sister! You are human, you cannot fight it… and you don’t have to!”

 

Cersei supported herself on her forearms and rested her head on the rocks. She cried so hard she could barely breathe. Jaime felt the panic raising in his chest, for he did not know how to handle her breakdown. The more he said it was alright, the more she shouted her no-s.

 

“When the Starks had me…” Jaime whispered and willed himself to unlock memories he had sworn to never revisit. But there was nothing he would not do to calm his sister’s despair. “I pissed myself all the time… they had me tied to a pole, with a collar around my neck, like a dog… most times I could move even less than we can now. They let me use a pot once in two or three days… the rest of the time I was at nature’s mercy… One time, the Stark king came to threaten me, his direwolf at his heel. He spoke words fit for an entitled boy and I laughed in his face… Do you know what he did? He set his direwolf on me… the beast leaped the cell’s length and landed with his front paws on my chest. His muzzle in my face and his sharp teeth grazed my cheek… I shat my pants.” Jaime closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. “I did not wash for a whole day, until my guard finally allowed it, afraid I would pass out from all the throwing up… After I left the Stark camp and lost my hand, it got even worse. Being covered in my own piss and shit was the rule of the day. War is brutal for the losers, Cersei… High born or low born, we are human... and there is nothing dignified about our sacks of meat and bones... You don’t have to think about it… let your mind drift away, you are more than just your body! And you are not a stranger to imprisonment either. You’ve survived your cell and although you never talked of it… I doubt the fanatics treated you in any regal manner. Having a dirty pot or taking a corner, no difference at all. You’ve survived worse than a piss… Take in a deep breath and let it go. I’ll piss with you if you want to… Don’t let this of all things break you! Don’t be stupid…”

 

With trembling hands, Cersei pulled her skirts up. “Please turn around. Just turn around now!” She begged still crying. Jaime complied, not that it mattered, for he could not see anything anyway. His sister answered nature’s call, while muffling her sobs. Once she finished, she backed down on her knees and started breathing heavily, unable to control her reactions.

 

Jaime took her in his arms and held her close, while slowly moving her towards the front of the dragon. He sat down closer to where she had urinated, and kept her further away. Cersei buried her head in him chest and succumbed to the raising panic.

 

“Cersei breathe… breathe… it’s alright… everything is alright!” Jaime promised her, but he knew it all too well she felt humiliated. In fact, he was sure that him being there to witness her fall of grace was what affected his proud twin the most.

 

Her defeat was now complete.

 

Jaime took her face in his hand, cupped her chin and forced her head up towards him: “You are my Queen… you are my Queen… you are my Queen… you are my Queen… you will always be my Queen… you will always be a Queen… you will always be regal and graceful, once a Queen, always a Queen... always… always… always…” He repeated to her over and over and over again until her panic attack passed. Cersei leaned on the dragon and Jaime sighed. He lied next to her, shoulder to shoulder.

 

They had both hurried towards acceptance, without realising they missed a vital phase. Depression! And it now grabbed his sister in its claws and Cersei succumbed to it with no will of fighting back.

 

Being forced to be human was what finally broke Cersei and Jaime could not do a thing about it.

 

She fell asleep and he did not try to wake her up. The peace he had felt before was long vanished and darkness engulfed his mind. Jaime allowed it.

 

His sister came to her senses at some point, but she did not utter any word. Jaime waited long for her to say something and, when it became clear she would not, he whispered:

 

“Do you want to hear a story?” Cersei did not reply, but Jaime continued nonetheless. “I’ll tell you about the Kingsguard… it’s the one story I know… I never read as much as you did, but I did read all I could about the Kingsguard… I loved the Kingsguard… until I hated it, but that’s another story. The Kingsguard was actually created by a Queen, the first Queen, Visenya… you sure know that. She was a fighter and a fierce dragonrider… Do you know her dragon’s name, Cers? I know you do. What was Visenya's dragon called?” Jaime challenged her, to no avail. He waited a while, then sighed and continued: “Anyway… Queen Visenya thought the King needed a personal guard…” Jaime went on and on for hours, without any indication his sister heard a single word. Whether Cersei was listening or not, his own story soothed him and Jaime needed it as much as he needed food and water.

 

He ended his story before the reign of King Aerys II, for he had no desire of remembering his own place within the Kingsguard. The deep silence descended again once his story ended… and time stood still. When it became maddening, Jaime cleared his voice.

 

“Cers…” No reply came, so Jaime reached to touch her face. He guided his fingers to her eyes to make sure she was awake. She was and, despite her brother poking one of her eyeballs, Cersei did not react.

 

“You wanna hear about the Battle of Winterfell?” Jaime offered. "It's kind of great..." He sighed at her silence, but began his story nonetheless. “It was a mad battle… everything went wrong… no plan stood…” And his voice filled the silence once again.

 

Mid-way through the story, Cersei murmured something. Jaime stopped at once and turned his attention to her: “What did you say, sweetheart?” He said softly, hope registering in his voice for a bitter second before her words cut through his soul:

 

“The baby…” She whispered as if unaware that her lips were moving. “The baby is gone… it stilled a while back…”

 

Jaime shut his eyes closed and bit his lips hard, burning tears piercing through his eyelids. He did not reply, for there was nothing he could say or do. He refused to open his eyes any longer, and sleep eventually claimed him.

 

When Jaime came to his senses, the first thing he did was to check his sister. She seemed asleep, but he could barely feel her pulse.

 

“Cersei…” Jaime grabbed her by an arm. “Cersei, wake up… wake up!” As no reply came, Jaime shook her hard: “Wake up! Wake up!”

 

Her sister drew in a deep breath and he exhaled in relief. As Cersei tried to make sense of the world around her, she clapped her tongue repeatedly. They had long passed from mere thirst to increasingly more severe dehydration. Cersei coughed dryly, feeling sick.

 

Without thinking twice, Jaime pressed his lips on hers. He forced his tongue through her lips and teeth and deep inside her mouth. He began kissing her fiercely and soon felt her matching his moves. Their mouths were thus forced into producing some saliva. It was not much, but it was enough to soothe the dryness in their throats for a little while.

 

When he parted from her, Jaime kissed her cheek. “Did… hm… did the babe give any sign?”

 

Cersei shook her head. “Baby’s dead…” She whispered and before Jaime could fathom a reply, his sister began throwing up on both of them. He held her shivering body as it convulsed. Her heartbeat was abnormally increased and her breathing heavy in between waves of vomit. When she had emptied her stomach entirely, Cersei fainted in his arms.

 

He shook her helplessly a while, until he could barely feel his limbs. He let her body lay on his chest, before slipping off as well.

 

He regained his senses by coughing hard at the sharp odour of urine and vomit. The first thing he felt was his head heavy, then his bones and muscles stiff from the prolonged lack of moving coupled with fluid loss. Cersei had not moved an inch since he had last been conscious. So he shook her several times.

 

“Cersei… Cersei move!” Nothing. He insisted over and over again and when nothing came of his insistences he started crying without tears, as his body had none left. “Don’t be dead… don’t be dead! Don’t you dare to be dead… WAKE UP! Wake up… wake up… wake up…” He begged before fainting again.

 

The next time he came to his senses he felt his face burning. Her long cold nails had scratched his left cheek bloody. “Wake up… wake up… don’t die before me…” His sister begged.

 

“No… I won’t…” Jaime whispered. Cersei let herself fall on him, heart panting.

 

Jaime wrapped her arms around her lightly, for he did not have the strength to hug her properly.

 

“Thank you…” His sister forced herself to murmur. She drew in several deep breaths. “... you know… I did love you…”

 

Cersei’s body became heavier as she let out a final breath.

 

“Cers… don’t… don’t…don’t…” Jaime broke in sobs again, holding her lifeless body.

 

Time stood still. Jaime took his sister’s wrist and pressed his fingers on it. The Stranger was approaching… and Jaime slowly slipped again, in the rhythm of his twin’s fading pulse.  

 

Silence fell like a curtain… heavy and suffocating.

 

But voices forced him back to life...

 

Stones… rocks… graveling sounds… Voices...

 

Jaime dismissed the sounds as coming from within his head, for he could swear he could hear Brienne giving orders…

 

Jaime saw himself back in Winterfell, training for the big battle. His commander was giving him directions and he obeyed her every word…

 

“Dig there!” He heard Brienne saying and two men replied with stern “Yes, Ser”-s. Jaime forced his eyes open and willed his body to move. All he could do was pat the ground for the golden hand. When he reached it, he could barely summon the energy to grab it, but he did and it took all he had to hit the dragon skull with it three times.

 

He dropped the hand and struggled to stay conscious. He could hear steps approaching and rocks being removed from atop the skull.    

 

A ray of daylight broke in through the dragon’s empty eyeball. Jaime’s eyes revolted at the sudden brightness and closed his eyes shut.

 

“Shuuh!” Made him open his eyes again. He recognised Brienne’s face, despite seeing only half of it. A mixture of relief and fear transpired on her stern features.

 

“Three hours. Make no move. No sound. Don’t die! I’ll get you out.” She whispered and sudden darkness fell again, as Brienne covered the eyeball with two big rock. 

 

“Nothing there! Keep on digging! Do not stop! We need the Kingslayer and the Usurper’s bodies! We don’t want to fail our Queen, now do we?!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hurry Brienne! Three hours is a lot when you've been buried alive for 4 days!
> 
> Looking forward to hearing what you all think about the chapter. Xx


	7. Brienne was there...

A small rock hit his head and soon another one followed. Jaime knew he had to open his eyes, but he could not command enough energy to do it. He heard rocks being moved and voices whispering. Someone called his name and then another rock, a bigger one, hit his shoulder.

 

“We’ll have to dig all in… get inside and take them out…” It was Brienne! Brienne was there! Jaime thought. He wanted to open his eyes for her, but felt too weak to do it.

 

“We cannot, Ser. We do not have the time and capabilities…” A man replied, sadness and worry palpable in his voice.

 

“Ser Jaime…” Brienne urged him. “Wake up!” The pointy end of a sharp blade gored his cheek, cutting him lightly. “Jaim… hm... Kingslayer!” Brienne said sharply and Jaime’s eyes flashed open. The sword fell from her hand as if on fire and landed beside him.

 

Jaime took a second to register the reality around him. Light invaded the dragon skull through the back, where several layers of rocks had been removed. He looked up through the crack and saw Brienne, knelt over the opening, arm still stretched inside from trying to reach him with her sword.

 

Had she just called him Kingslayer? His head drifted sideways, eyes resting on the ruby adorning the Oathkeeper. His first impulse was to say something provoking in response to her calling him names, something like ‘what sort of knight drops their sword like that, Ser’, but he did not. _We’ve never had a conversation last this long without you insulting me!_ rang too loud through his head. _You want me to insult you?_

 

“Kingslayer!” Brienne’s insult fell as if on a cue and broke his trail of thoughts.

 

“Stop… just don’t…” He hissed back.

 

“We have no time for games, _Ser_!” She snarled, placing a particularly derogative tone to his appellative. “Crawl over… help us help you!”

 

Jaime growled. She was right, he had to will his body to move, but he felt pressed to the ground by a weight that was not his. He gasped as if suddenly remembering something he’s forgotten. Jaime’s hand travelled to his lap where Cersei’s head now rested.

 

“Cersei… Cersei…” Jaime said louder than before, the fear for his sister’s life energising his aching body.

 

He wrapped his good arm around her frail frame and forced himself to drag her those short two meters to the back. The skull was not deep – at its tallest point, right there at the end, it could barely fit a hunched person. Nonetheless, for what they had to do, even that height was too much. Jaime remembered that many rocks were blocking the entrance even when he and Cersei had taken refuge. They slid inside through a small opening right before further layers of bricks and stones fell over, leaving them without escape. The opening Brienne and Pod had managed to create was even smaller than the one they had used to get inside the skull. It was also less stable, as the disturbed stones now threatened to come falling inside. As the two rescuers could not get in, due to their bulky armours, it was left to Jaime’s weakened body to get him and his sister within reach.         

 

It felt like an impossible task, but he had somehow managed to get Cersei there and forced her to a sitting position, back to the rocks. Brienne and Pod reached down for her. Jaime held one of her arms up, then the other, while the two rescuers grabbed her tightly by the arms, then by the armpits and lifted her up. Jaime tried to help by holding her legs with his body. He gave her a push with his shoulders and soon after his sister was no longer with him.

 

Brienne and Pod left her body lying on the rocks and they bent back over the entrance reaching for him. Jaime tried to put a foot forward, aiming to stand up and help as much as possible, but then he let himself fall back on his knees.

 

“What are you even doing?” Brienne hissed. “Come here, now!” She urged him.

 

Jaime ignored her and crawled again towards the middle of the skull, hand reaching for something. He grabbed the Oathkeeper tight and crawled back towards the exit. Jaime lifted the sword to Brienne and for a short second their eyes met.  _'_ _It's yours... it will always be yours'_  is what he wanted to assure her, but the pain in Brienne’s eyes made Jaime yearn to lay back down and die. He did not, for that would have been too easy and craven.

 

Breaking the eye contact, Brienne grabbed her sword and placed it back in its sheath. Then she and Pod helped drag him out.

 

Jaime fell on his knees, weak and dizzy. His head was pounding and his muscles were stiff. He could not feel his mouth from thirst, yet he could feel his eyeballs sunken deep within his skull, dry and itchy.

 

Brienne handed him a flask of water. Despite needing it more than air, Jaime ignored the offering for he saw Podrick bending over Cersei’s body.

 

“She dead? Is she dead?” He asked, great pain and distress transpiring in his voice. Brienne’s squire pressed his face to Cersei’s nose and two fingers on her throat. He did not move for several long seconds.

 

“I…” Podrick whispered unsurely. “Oh, Gods! She might be alive… Ser?”  

 

Brienne hurried to Cersei’s body, pushing Podrick out of her way. She knelt beside, putting an arm beneath her neck and slightly lifted her upper body. She put the flask to Cersei’s mouth, holding it with three fingers and the pod of her palm, while with her thumb and index forced her mouth open and kept her tongue in place. Careful not to choke her, Brienne poured small amounts of water deep down Cersei’s throat. She did it several times, then handed the flask to Pod.

 

“Make him drink some too…” Brienne commanded without even looking in Jaime's direction. Pod complied promptly.

 

“I can do it mysel…” Jaime snarled, but before he could finish the word, Pod forced him to drink. When the water poured down his throat, Jaime felt reborn. He swallowed greedily, his entire body suddenly alert and begging for more.

 

With the corner of his eye, he saw Brienne taking Cersei’s pulse before drawing her sword. Jaime’s heart froze and his mouth clenched around the flask, muscles contracting in panic. For a shameful second, he wondered whether Brienne would slay his sister. But she just placed the shiny blade at Cersei’s nose and looked at it intensely. Barely noticeable, but the blade did lose its shine just enough.      

 

“Gods! She’s still alive… we need to hurry!” Brienne said in one breath and placed her sword back in its place. She rose to her feet lifting Cersei’s body from the rocks and holding her lifeless form the way any knight would hold a fainted damsel.

 

Jaime looked at Brienne and found it hard to breathe. His eyes filled with tears and his chin began trembling, while every possible human emotion transpired on his face. Brienne had always been the epitome of honour, valour and goodness… but this? To hold Cersei so carefully, to carry her, to help her live after everything she’s done!? This went beyond anything Jaime would have imagined possible within a human being. Tears falling down his cheeks, he realised he had never loved Brienne more than in that very second.

 

She turned to them in order to command something, but her words got stuck in her throat when she saw Jaime in that emotional state. She swallowed hard and immediately moved her eyes away from him. Clearing her voice she told Podrick:

 

“Be on guard all the time. Once we get out of these ruins and in the open, don’t breathe louder than a whisper and straight to the Tower as fast as possible! You’ll have to help him drag his feet.” Brienne directed and the squire obliged. Jaime passed his good arm over Pod’s shoulders and forced himself to stand up. His legs were hardly listening to him, but the squire forced him to move. And the more he moved, the better his legs responded to the task.

 

Jaime looked around and realised the damage to the tunnels were not as absolute as he had believed. Granted, a lot of them were collapsed and there was sunlight creeping in at every turn and corner, but many were still standing. They made their way out of the tunnels and into broad daylight in one of the Red Keep’s smaller inner courtyards. Jaime was terrified of how much they were risking but was well aware that the urgency of their situation was what had forced Brienne to act before nightfall. They were truly playing with fire and if anyone spotted them, fire would indeed be their destiny.

 

They made their way very carefully towards the White Sword Tower and the Gods seemed to be smiling on them for they were soon safe inside. Brienne and Pod took them to the third floor, in the Lord Commander’s apartments. She laid Cersei on the large bed, while Pod helped him sit on the armchair at the great desk.

 

The first thing Jaime noticed was the White Book of Brothers and wondered why it was not in the Round Room. He lifted his hand and touched the beautiful cover, thinking of how he had told Cersei many of those stories just a while back when their lives seemed to be in the Stranger’s grasp. Jaime held his breath. They were alive! Him more so than his sister… but what if she woke up? What then? Jaime felt a raising panic taking possession of his mind. For all his talk about Tyrion coming to save them, he had never truly hoped to live.   

 

“Podrick!” Brienne’s voice, louder now than before, startled him. He looked at her, narrowing his eyes. How could she be real? Brienne could not be there. Was it all a dream? Jaime rested his head on the desk. He felt exhausted, his mind playing tricks on him. Death was near. It had to be! He was certainly hallucinating. There was no way Brienne was there. Why would she save him after leaving her? Why would she ever save Cersei? Why would anyone save Cersei?

 

“Go to the nursing tents and grab from the maesters’ stocks anything you think might prove us useful… anything at all. And bring more water… as much clean water as you can! Speak to no one, if at all possible, and avoid the Unsullied and the Queen at all costs. Understood?” Jaime lifted his head and looked at her ordering the squire around. She seemed so real!

 

“Yes, Ser!” Podrick obliged and, turning on his heels, he left the bedchamber at once.

 

Brienne went towards a side table that contained decent quantities of food. Jaime followed her with his eyes.

 

"Are you real?" He heard himself asking. Jaime looked at her, scanning her frame up and down, despite her being with the back towards him. Brienne did not reply, busying herself with a couple of small jars.

 

"Brienne, are you real?" Jaime repeated. She turned around and met him with a death stare. Jaime swallowed hard. He had not seen that look in Brienne's eyes since the days they had first met. Her eyes were angry and filled with mistrust, disgust even. Her eyes seemed to scream ‘Kingslayer’ despite her lips being shut.

 

Jaime’s heart froze and reality suddenly sank in. 

 

 _Brienne was there!_  He thought. He was alive. Cersei was nearly alive. Brienne was there! His mind repeated. And Cersei was there! His mind pointed out. They were all there, all alive... Jaime groaned in despair and let his head fall on the desk, hitting it with a loud bang.

 

“Drink up and eat the honey!" Brienne startled him placing a little jar and a cup on the desk. Jaime lifted his head and tried to look at her, but Brienne turned her back on him before he had the chance. 

 

"Your body needs to start recovering and be in decent shape for when I’ll have the chance to get you out of here.” She added walking to the table. She refilled the flask and picked another small jar. Ignoring him altogether, she walked to the bed and lifted Cersei’s upper body in order to stash all the pillows underneath. She let her on the pillows, put her chin way up and put the flask to her lips, repeating exactly what she's done back in the tunnels. Then Brienne put the flask aside and dipped two fingers in the honey jar, before putting them inside Cersei's mouth. Jaime looked at Brienne unable to move. Her helping his sister mesmerised him, it seemed surreal. 

 

“Why are you helping her?” Jaime whispered. Brienne did not look at him and did not reply.

 

"I know why I helped her... why I always helped her..." Jaime said softly. "But why would anyone else help Cersei... why would  _you_ of all people help someone like Cersei... that's beyond me..."

 

“I told you to drink up and eat the honey!” Brienne hissed.

 

"If I do... will you look at me?" Jaime tried to negotiate, but Brienne granted him no reply. She switched the jar with the flask once again and poured some more water down Cersei's throat, very precise and very careful not to pour it down the windpipe. Jaime too reached for the cup and drank it to the bottom in several seconds. 

 

“Here. I drank it. Will you acknowledge me now?” Jaime begged like a child.

 

“Eat the honey!” Brienne shut him. Jaime sighed, rolled his eyes and obliged. The sweetness of it made him feel much better. The first round of water, the need to walk, the opened space air and, above all, the realisation it was all real and not a fragment of his imagination had made Jaime feel awake. Nonetheless, he dared not move from the armchair, for he was sure his food deprived body was nowhere near as awake as his delusional mind would have him believe.

 

Brienne left his sister's side and walked back to the table. She took some bread, spread fat on it and put a piece of smoked meat on top. She placed it on a plate and put nuts and sweetened raisins next to it, before walking to the desk and placing the plate in front of Jaime.

 

"Eat!" She said turning immediately away.

 

"Look at me!" Jaime begged, nearly yelling.

 

"Small bites and chew well." Brienne ignored him. "Don't eat like a hungry lion or you'll throw it all up." She went back to Cersei and tried to check her pulse.

 

"Brienne... please look at me..." Jaime begged, this time on a much softer tone.

 

Taking in a deep breath, Brienne turned towards him: "What do you want?" She snarled.

 

"Just... just to look at you..." Jaime whispered and the corners of his mouth curled into a shy smile. He could still barely believe she was truly there. He had never thought he would see her again.

 

"Why?" Brienne asked shaking her head. Jaime knew her well enough to realise she was all tense, uncomfortable and holding back the urge to lash out.

 

"Because..."  _I love you..._ he wanted to say, but it felt grossly inappropriate. "...because... just because..."

 

Brienne took in a deep breath and closed his eyes, trying to calm herself down: "You're a nasty little shit!"

 

Jaime smiled: "And yet you saved me...  _Ser_..."

 

Brienne looked at him narrowing her eyes: "I did not save you...  _Ser_... you are my prisoner!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bye-bye dragon prison, hello White Sword Tower prison!
> 
> What do you think of the first glimpses of Brienne and Jaime's reunion? Or of Brienne's attitude towards slumbering Cersei? Looking forward to hearing your thoughts. Xx


	8. A history lesson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You would never believe the number of times I rewrote this chapter!  
> The core idea never changed, but the dialogue got heavier with every draft... 
> 
> My head cannot take another migraine over it... so here it is. Enjoy (sort of).

_["You're a nasty little shit!"_

_"And yet you saved me... Ser..."_

_"I did not save you... Ser... you are my prisoner!"]_

 

Hearing her words, Jaime bit his lips hard. A smile was written all over his eyes, despite the poor attempt at keeping it away from his mouth. He did not last long before giving in and smiling widely: “Your prisoner, oh, my Lady Brienne… nothing’s ever new… the wheel turns and the same spoke comes up again… and again!”

 

Brienne rolled her eyes and, walking towards him, she pointed at his plate: “Eat!”

 

“Alright… if it pleases you, I will eat!” Jaime lifted the bread she had prepared for him to his lips and took a generous bite while looking straight at her with hungry eyes. He saw her tensing up, eyes locking into his. She was towering over him across the desk, looking almost threatening, yet he tilted his head in a provocative way. Brienne leaned over, placing her fists on each side of his plate. She was so close to him that Jaime wondered if he should just jolt up from the chair and press his lips on hers. He did not, for his mouth was full of food. Instead, he chose to chew painfully slowly, his eyes never leaving hers. It became a battle of wills and none of them blinked. At least not until Jaime finished chewing and passed his tongue over his lips, then Brienne’s eyelids moved downwards and upwards again in spite of herself. Jaime smirked victoriously, while suddenly very aware that his old golden lion charms still worked on her.

 

“Will you tie me up, Ser… like the last time you had me…” Jaime asked on the low tone that he knew well enough either aroused her or angered her – on a good day both. “… as a prisoner, I mean.” Somewhere deep inside his mind, a voice warned him he should act piously. Yet he knew Brienne well enough to realise an apologetic stance would give her the upper hand and she would turn her back on him again. Jaime could not allow that to happen, even if it meant relying on his Lannister arrogance.

 

“I would not mind it happening…” He continued, while taking another large bite of bread. He chewed even slower than before, teeth showing shyly every so often while he smiled with the corner of his mouth. He swallowed hard, letting out a loud moan. “I would not mind it happening at all. I think I would rather enjoy it.”

 

Brienne narrowed her eyes and her jaw clenched. Then all of a sudden she shook her head, her face becoming composed and her attitude dominant: “You will not provoke me in any way, Ser.” It was Jaime’s turn to narrow his eyes and look at her in utter surprise. “By this point, you owe me too much to afford acting like this. So get that smug smile off your face and learn your place.”

 

Under Brienne’s stern gaze, Jaime’s entire Lannister act collapsed within a second. He let his head down, unable to look at her any longer. “Forgi… pleas…” Jaime cleared his voice and forced himself to look at her just long enough to mutter: “My apologies, Ser Brienne.”

 

“Finish eating.” She replied before returning to Cersei’s side.

 

Jaime did as he was told. Keeping his head down and eating in silence, a mixture of pain and panic rose in his chest. He had been wrong in assuming he could still charm Brienne. She saw right through him and she was immune to his crap. Jaime sighed and forced himself to swallow. He was famished and ate with large bites because of it, but Brienne’s words left him with no appetite. He felt suddenly sick, but was determined to keep the food down in his stomach. He covered his mouth with his hand and tried to breathe slowly. Jaime almost succeeded, but a question popped in his head and hit him like a punch in the gut: What if Brienne never forgave him?

 

Jaime stood up from the chair, hand pressed hard on his mouth. He looked left and right in a state of distress, trying to find a bucket or a chamber pot, but it was too late. Before he could take a step, he started vomiting on the floor, besides the desk. He dropped on his knees and leaned forward, unable to stop. Jaime did not see, nor hear Brienne moving, but soon her right hand cupped his forehead, while her left hand rested on his back, rubbing up and down his spine.

 

“I told you to take small bites, not to eat like a hungry lion devouring a prey…” She said, but her tone was gentle. Brienne waited for him to finish, then she helped him back to his feet, a firm hand holding his good arm. “Come on, you need to lie down.”

 

“No, I am fine!” Jaime said promptly, wiping his mouth with the dirty right sleeve of his dusty and torn apart tunic. “I am fine… I will clean here.”

 

Brienne rolled her eyes: “Just stop being a pain in the ass!”

 

Jaime looked at the bed and shook his head. “I’ll sit back on the chair. I am fine… I truly am…” He wanted to lie down and his body needed it more than he cared to admit, but his stomach revolted in gut-wrenching guilt at the thought of sharing a bed with Cersei right under Brienne’s eyes.

 

“In the name of all Gods, just do as you’re told!” Brienne hissed tightening her grip on his good arm. She led him to the bed and forced him to lie down. “Here, it wasn’t that hard, now was it?”

 

“I need to clean that…” Jaime protested.

 

“Pod will do it when he returns, for now, I'll just throw some water on it.” Brienne poured a cup of water and gave it to him. Jaime sighed and took it. He adjusted himself in bed, back upright on the pillows and stretched legs.

 

Without another word, Brienne emptied a bucket of water on the floor and went to his sister’s side. Jaime could hardly believe the mess they've made of the Lord Commander's apartments, but shook his head and turned his eyes away. Unwillingly, he looked towards Cersei just as Brienne put some more honey in her mouth. Jaime drank his water, slowly, with small sips. He could not take his eyes from the two women. For all her lack of grace, Brienne was treating Cersei with surprising daintiness. She took a piece of cloth and drenched it in water, before placing it on his sister’s forehead. Jaime sighed looking at Cersei’s thinned face. To his shame, he realised that in the last hours he passed no thought on her at all. It was as if he fully transferred the responsibility on Brienne, while he focused on… what had he focused on, really?

 

Jaime looked down, suddenly overwhelmed by the very familiar feeling of self-hatred. No matter what he did, he could not get it right. The situation he found himself in was paralysing. It was wrong to try patching things up with Brienne, while Cersei was there barely alive. But it was also wrong to think of Cersei, while Brienne was there upset with him. It was wrong not to try patching things up with Brienne, just because Cersei was there barely alive. But it was also wrong not to think of Cersei, just because Brienne was there upset with him!

 

“You’re awfully silent for... well, yourself. Are you sick again?” Brienne asked slightly worried. Jaime shook his head.

 

“I am…” Jaime whispered. “Well, I suppose I am… thinking…”

 

Brienne’s eyes narrowed at his reply and she almost smiled in sympathy at how ridiculously pathetic he sounded: “What exactly are you thinking of?”

 

Jaime exhaled loudly, his chest crushed by the weight of all contradictory feelings pulling his insides apart. He could not confess the truth to her. They were in such a fragile place that no good could come out of being honest.

 

“Of what happened with the world...” Jaime said instead, forcing himself to snap out of his self-pity. There were more pressing matters at hand than not choosing whom one loves. “Could you please tell me how long it’s been since the battle… and how the world looks like these days?”

 

“It’s been three full days. This is the fourth one.” Brienne looked away from him, busying herself with Cersei. “Daenerys is Queen of the Seven Kingdoms – long may she reign…” Jaime frowned. “All representatives of the said Kingdoms are summoned to bend the knee and swear allegiance. Peace will be restored in Westeros… great mercy and care will be shown to the weak, the poor…” With every word Brienne said, Jaime’s frown deepened, all thoughts of his personal worries vanishing in the face of her bizarre behaviour. “Many died… but those who lived are well taken care of. There was a nursing camp set up… The Queen is setting up a new world… a better world…”

 

Jaime swallowed. He had never seen Brienne lying like that before. “What of those who supported the old world?”

 

“Theirs is the fate of traitors. All nobility in the capital was executed.” Brienne said plainly, but Jaime saw her struggling to maintain the act. “All Lannister soldiers… executed. All remaining members of the City Guard… all the knights of your sister’s Queensguard…”

 

Jaime took in a deep breath, trying to assimilate her words. “You say they were executed… How?”  

 

Brienne closed her eyes and whispered: “She burnt them all...”

 

Jaime stood up from the bed and started pacing up and down the room, forgetting all about his weakened body and the thoughts that had tormented him before. “She’s worse than her father!” He rushed to the table. "Do you have any wine?" Jaime asked and reached for the water. "Of course you don't have any... you never drink..." He realised his hand was shaking only when he tried to fill his cup and failed miserably.

 

“What of my brother?” Jaime asked with her back towards her, scared to turn around.

 

“Jaime…” Brienne whispered painfully and it was all the confirmation he needed. His fist hit the table so hard that a couple of apples rolled off the edge.

 

“When?”

 

“Three days ago…”

 

“Because of us?” Jaime asked turning around so fast his head started spinning. Brienne did not look at him, but she nodded. He leaned on the table's edge for support waiting for the vertigo to pass. His chest was panting and he clenched his teeth. Gathering all the energy he had left in his drained body and all the pain that ripped his heart apart, Jaime hissed on an accusative tone: “What are _you_ doing here?”

 

“We’re done talking.” Brienne said standing up. “I need to go get on with my duties. You need to rest.” She took a few steps in the direction of the door, but Jaime stepped in her way.

 

“You, _Ser_ , are lying!” Jaime snarled threateningly.

 

“I, _Ser_ , am never lying!” Brienne replied matching his tone.

 

“You are lying right now!” He accused through clenched teeth. “What are you doing here? Why are you here? How did you even get here so fast?” Jaime wrinkled his nose in anger and confusion. "You want to fool me you are serving Daenerys now? Only an idiot would believe the piss-poor act you're trying! Does she believe you? Because she surely strikes me as an idiot, so I suppose she might! But I do know you! You would never betray your oaths like that! Where is that Tully-looking Stark of yours?”

 

“That, Ser, is not a matter of your concern!” Brienne said sharply and tried to walk past him. Jaime blocked her way again. She stopped a few feet away from him.

 

“What are you doing here, Brienne?” Jaime hissed.

 

“Get out of my way, so I won't have to do it for you." She threatened, straightening her back in order to dominate him.

 

“What are you doing here?” Jaime repeated and, in spite of his weakened body, his eyes looked terrifyingly dangerous.

 

“Get out of my way.” Brienne barely took two steps before Jaime’s hand slammed violently on her chest. She halted, more shocked than actually deterred.

 

“What of Jon Snow?”

 

“Gone.” Brienne hissed.

 

“Where?”

 

“Seven hells or seven heavens! I did not know the man enough to answer about his soul.” She snapped clenching her teeth.

 

“Lies!" Jaime shouted. "You are lying!" He said enraged, but at the same time utterly devastated at the thought of it. Brienne never lied! Brienne was honourable! What had happened to her? He could not stop himself from wondering if it was his fault. Had his moral filth tainted her?  

 

“Take your hand off me.” She hissed looking down at his palm pressed on her armour.

 

"Not until you tell me the truth! What is this all about? Tell me!" He urged her desperately.

 

Brienne's hand tightened around his wrist and she forced his hand off her armour. With a violent thrust, she pushed him out of her way. Jaime stumbled a few steps and fell on the table, breaking a plate to the ground. Brienne stopped in her tracks and looked at him, slight worry and guilt registering in her eyes.

 

Jaime regained his balance and forced himself to stand straight on his feet. He sighed: “Please... Brie..." He begged, searching her eyes. "I know you are not serving Daenerys! You could never... You are not on her side! I know it! You have Cersei hidden in your room for all Gods’ sake! Please…” He begged louder. “Why are you here?”

 

Brienne looked at him and rolled her eyes. “For a history lesson.” Sensing his confusion, she continued: “You told me earlier that nothing’s ever new. That the wheel turns and the same spoke comes up again. You were right, that is in fact true. The only way to stop it is to break the wheel. It is what Daenerys wanted, but she got it wrong and now the Seven Kingdoms are coming for her. The Kingdoms will do what they have failed three centuries ago. They will stop the Targaryen invasion.”

 

“How?” Jaime whispered.

 

“I am sorry for pushing you. Particularly in your state. But you are a prisoner, Ser Jaime. You’ve betrayed the North before and you cannot be trusted.” She swalloed and looked into his eyes. "I cannot trust you."

 

“I’ve betrayed the North, alright…" Jaime admitted straightening up and holding his head high. "But I am not from the fucking North! You said the Seven Kingdoms are coming for the Mad Queen. I am virtually the ruler of one of those Kingdoms! The Rock is mine! I demand my right! Only a Lannister can be in charge of the Ro…” Jaime’s words got stuck in his throat.

 

“Yes, only a Lannister can be in charge of the Rock. The good Lannister.”

 

Jaime's face turned red in anger, while his eyes burned with fury: “How could you? You wanted me to believe my brother was dead!”

 

"You cannot be trusted!" Brienne accused.

 

Jaime took in a deep breath: “What. Are. YOU. Doing. Here? Not the Kingdoms, not anyone else. You! Why are _you_ here?”

 

“I told you – I am here for a history lesson.” Brienne looked at Jaime in a way it terrified him to the very core. Her wonderful blue eyes pierced into his soul, letting the true meaning of her words blacken his heart. Jaime began breathing heavily as if unable to fill his lungs with air. He opened his mouth to speak, but only a painful whisper came out:

 

“What kind of history lesson…”

 

“The one you’ve taught me, Kingslayer. Sword through the back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Urgh... how are we all feeling about this?


	9. In two minds

Jaime held his breath and squeezed his eyes shut, unable to look at her. Brienne’s words echoed in his mind like a death sentence. He shook his head several times while a loud and frantic ‘no’ grew like a thunderstorm engulfing his thoughts. “Brie…” His lips muttered the name of endearment he used to call her by, but no sound left his mouth. He opened his eyes to find she had not moved, her sapphire gaze looking every bit as lost as he felt. “Do you hear yourself?” He asked on a mellow, yet undoubtedly pained tone.

 

Brienne sighed, turned her face away from him and took a couple of steps towards the door.

 

“Brienne…” Jaime called her name aloud and she stopped her tracks, looking fairly startled, much like a child who knew was in the wrong. It lasted a mere heartbeat, then she carried herself all the way to the door, raising her hand to reach the doorknob.

 

“I will not have it!”

 

Brienne turned around at the firmness of his words. She looked confused for a moment, then her eyes narrowed in sudden anger: “You will not have it?”

 

Jaime shook his head categorically and then raised it high. He dragged his tired feet towards her, looking worn and old, half a corpse… yet his gleaming green eyes and pushed forward chin gave him the demeanour of a god.

 

“I will not have it.” He repeated. “I do not know what you think you are doing… but regicide?”   

 

Brienne was unable to move, something about his attitude compelling her to keep her eyes on him. As he got closer, a knot formed in her stomach and she found it hard to keep her breathing even. Jaime placed himself between her and the door, back pressed hard on it. Their eyes locked into each other and Brienne’s hand fell off the doorknob.

 

“If you think, even for one heartbeat, that I will stay idly and accept you ruining yourself like that…” Jaime shook his head faster and faster. “No… no, Brienne. I will not have it! I know what a crime like that does to one’s soul… the darkness, the guilt, the doubt that creeps in, eating you alive… consuming the light in your soul ray by ray… It broke me and I have never been as pure as you…”

 

Brienne swallowed hard, opened her mouth to say something, but Jaime went on, silencing her attempt: “Let me ask you a question. Have you sworn yourself to Daenerys?” After a moment of hesitation, she lowered her eyes and nodded. “You said Cersei’s Queensguard was executed, so I do not know what the Kingsguard… or the Queen’s is these days… but you’re camped in the White Sword Tower so… did you take _the_ oath?” Jaime’s question cut her deep, tying her tongue and rendering her mute. Seeing she could not reply, Jaime continued on a tone denoting his seniority. “You’re still wearing the armour that I gave you, but it’s wartime… a silver armour and a cloak of white are mere formalities. What matters is whether you knelt in front of Daenerys and sworn to protect her with your life, to give up your lands, your titles, your right to mother children, kept vigil for an entire night on your knees, all for her. Did you do it?”

 

Brienne’s chin trembled and the blue of her eyes became misty. Jaime’s left hand lifted to her face, cupping her right cheek just in time for his thumb to wipe away a solitary tear.

 

“You are a knight… you have always wanted to be a knight and you have been one in all but title for many, many years…” Jaime whispered continuing to tenderly stroke her cheek with his thumb. “I know you, Brienne of Tarth. You have more honour in you than all the knights I have known combined. You take knighthood seriously, you take your vows seriously… and this is why I will not have it… I will not allow you to do it…”

 

Brienne blinked at his words and her jaw clenched under his hand. Her misty eyes turned darker and her right hand gripped Jaime’s wrist. “You will not allow me?” She asked bitterly, forcing his hand away from her face. “ _Allow_ me? What right do you believe you have on me?”

 

“It’s not what I meant…” Jaime replied defensively, just as she let go of his hand and his arm fell numbly at his side. “You are not a leader, Brienne! You are a soldier, you follow orders! There’s a plot and you’re playing your part in it, I know, I understand that much. But your part is going to crush you!” Jaime clenched his teeth and, when he spoke, his tone became enraged. “Didn’t Sansa pledge to ask no service of you that would bring you dishonour? How dare she now send you do something like this?”

 

“It has to be done, Jaime! It just has to be done!” Brienne replied regaining her firmness.

 

“Yes, it has to be done, but not by you!”

 

“Yes, by me!” Brienne snarled. The look of horror in Jaime’s eyes made her sigh and continue more calmly. “It has to be me, for reasons I cannot tell you. You are right, I am conflicted… I am in two minds ever since I embarked on this quest. I battle relentlessly between honour and duty. But I know what has to be done! I will do what I must do… even if it means being disloyal, even if it means being cruel… even if it meant telling you that your brother died despite knowing it would break you… even if it meant swearing an oath that was already breached when I uttered the words… The cause is just, although the means are not. It has to be done!” Brienne took in a deep breath and tried to will away the tears that were clouding her vision. “It must be done or the future will be in flames… not only in Westeros but in the whole world. She will burn and burn and burn… unless I stop her. It’s not Sansa who sent me, Jaime…” Brienne whispered. “… it’s Bran.”

 

Jaime felt his legs weakening and was utterly grateful for the door he was leaning on, or else he was sure he would have fallen. His brain struggled to connect the few dots he had. It looked like Bran the Three-Eyed Raven, the boy he had crippled and could now somehow see the past, present and every so often glimpses of the future, had asked Brienne to go south, with a specific mission she was hell-bent on fulfilling. His brother and Jon Snow were somehow involved too. His brother was probably on his way to Casterly Rock in order to… Jaime tried to think of a reason. Brienne said the Lannister army had been obliterated by Daenerys and the previous many years of civil war had drained the Rock of its best sons. So Tyrion’s reason was most likely money. There were so many questions that bothered him about the whole ‘plot’, but one was louder than the rest. Why did Bran send Brienne of all people to kill Daenerys? Was Bran trying to take his revenge on him for what he had done by ruining the one person Jaime loved? He swallowed hard and looked at her, knowing there was nothing he could do to prevent her from delivering on what she had been asked to.

 

 _‘I am in two minds.’_ Her words echoed in his head. Jaime understood what she meant better than anyone. He had been in two minds for most of his adult life – as were most knights. It was the eternal question between duty and honour.

 

Jaime sighed at the cruelty of Gods. He had favoured duty over honour throughout the years, while Brienne did the opposite. From the day he had met her, she inspired him to believe once more in knighthood to the point he had fallen in love with her. A tear sparkled in Jaime’s left eye while he could not stop his mind from thinking an excruciating idea. Mere days earlier, with Brienne in his mind, he had – once and for all – chosen honour. At the same time, quite probably with him in her mind, she had – at a bitter end – chosen duty. It seemed that no matter what they did, they were bound to be out of sync.

 

Jaime reached for her right hand and, folding her fingers protectively in his fist, he whispered: “Please, let me help you…” Brienne looked down at their entwined hands. “You say you do not trust me… and while that might be true in so many ways and at so many levels, I know that you do trust me as a knight. In spite of yourself, you told me – a deserter, a prisoner – things that I am sure you had not disclosed to anyone else… Does Pod know the truth of why you’re here?” She shook her head shyly. “As I thought…” Jaime let go of her fingers and moved his hand up her arm. He stopped right above the elbow, just beneath the metal plates of her armour, and gave her a firm squeeze. His gesture was one of undeniable support. “Ser Brienne you need me, even only for the fact that you’re planning to do something no one else but I has done before. I can help you. You do not need to do this alone… to bear the burden alone. You are my commander… I want to be your adjutant. Please allow me to help you… I will not ask of you to tell me the whole plot, not unless you want to, not until you are ready or the time is right. I will do only what you need me to do... But you do not have to be alone. I swear I would do anything to help you…”

 

Brienne looked deeply into his eyes, the same unbelieving surprise as when he had tormented her about Tormund registering on her face. _You sound quite jealous_ she had whispered then on a low hoarse voice. Now, in the exact same manner, she asked him only:

 

“Why?”

 

Jaime’s lips curved into a sad, heart-breaking, smile. “Because I lov…”

 

The door opened with such strength, that Jaime was thrust into Brienne and bit his tongue bloody in the process. Pod entered the room with a large tray of medical supplies. Before the squire could register what had happened, Brienne forced Jaime to stand upright. Nonetheless, the heavy air in the room prompted him to ask with an apologetic look on his face:

 

“Ser… and Ser… was it a bad time?”

 

“Of course not, Podrick.” Came Brienne’s reply and a frail resemblance of a smile contoured on her lips. However, Pod ignored her reaction and his gaze fell on Jaime, whose eyes threatened to murder him. Jaime lifted his fingers to his mouth, putting his index on his tongue. He looked at the bloodied finger and then at the squire, who swallowed hard.

 

“I apologise…” Pod said looking at Jaime, then turned his eyes to Brienne and added: “...nevertheless.”

 

“Tell us, what did you find? What did you bring… and please be quick about it, I need to go to supper with the Queen.”

 

“There were many people found beneath ruins throughout King’s Landing… although I doubt any of them lasted buried as long as Ser Jaime and her Gra…” The remaining of the word got stuck in Pod’s throat. With an expression of utter confusion on his face, he looked at Brienne and then at Jaime, unsure of how to call the former Queen.

 

“You can call her Cersei, she’s unconscious and won’t mind it.” Jaime noted matter-of-factly, but Podrick looked mortified at the mere thought. Seeing the squire’s reaction, Jaime rolled his eyes in annoyance. Podrick had stepped real badly on his nerves, not at all due to his fumbling with how to call Cersei, but for ruining his very intimate moment with Brienne. “Call her ‘my Lady’ then…” He added exasperatedly.

 

“How utterly unimportant!” Brienne snarled. “Call her ‘her Grace’… it’s what comes to my mind as well, she’s been Queen for decades. We’re accustomed to that title.”

 

Pod nodded. “… her Grace…  Well, the other people who had long been deprived of water were treated by the maesters with liquids straight in their blood.”

 

Brienne and Jaime looked at each other with deep, unsure frowns. “How exactly, Podrick?”

 

“I will show you…” The squire said and walked towards the desk in order to leave the heavy tray on. He stopped his tracks when his eyes fell on the pool of mess at the side of the desk.

 

“Ah, that…” Brienne started. “I am afraid you will need to clean that up. Ser Jaime’s been a pest.”

 

Jaime smirked: “Yes, I was actually mildly mortified at the thought of causing you trouble cleaning up my vomit… but I am suddenly fine with it.” He saw Brienne rolling her eyes at his snappy remark, but none of them said any more.

 

Podrick nodded to Brienne, trying his best to ignore the knight he had apparently offended to a great degree. The squire left the tray on the desk, daring not look at Jaime. He picked up a device which resembled a syringe, but instead of the usual piston, it had a large flask which squeezed would release liquid.

 

“From what I saw, the septas were putting the needle in a vein and slowly, rhythmically pumped the liquid in. The flask can be refilled from the vials... and a vial is supposed to last one full hour and another half. The person holding it should keep still and be quite delicate about it. Then the process should be repeated at a certain interval of time… which I do not know precisely." Pod confessed looking down, then hurried to add: "I refrained from asking questions and attracting the attention to what I was after, as Ser told me to speak to no one.”

 

“That was wise of you, Podrick. Thank you so very much.” Brienne said with a polite nod. “Have you seen how it is done? Can you do it?”

 

“I did see, Ser, but I am not sure I know how to do it myself… I know that if it’s done wrong, it would kill her, Ser… and Ser.”

 

Jaime’s body tensed. He tilted his head and hissed provokingly: “Well, that does not sound like something I would allow to happen, does it, Podrick?”

 

"Jaime! Podrick is trying to help us. Be nice." Brienne said on a threatening note. 

 

“She will die either way, if we do not do it, Ser.” Pod took in a deep breath and continued. “Her Grace is too weak, she’s already slumbering for a long while and she might not wake up at all. Putting water in her mouth and feeding her honey will not make her better because it is not enough, she is too poorly… and the child is also a burden on her body, as it is feeding on it.”

 

At the mentioning of the child, both Brienne and Jaime held their breaths. Jaime was aware that ever since Brienne and Podrick had rescued them, Cersei’s visible bump had been an issue they seemed to have wordlessly settled not to discuss. Too many things had to be said about that pregnancy, things none of them wanted to utter or to hear. But now that the child had been mentioned, there was no turning back from it.

 

“Cersei believed the babe died. She could not feel it moving in the last hours she was conscious.” Jaime said looking down, avoiding both Brienne and Pod.

 

“Shouldn’t…” Pod cleared his voice, unsure of how to ask the question, but he proceeded nonetheless: “Shouldn’t her body have... like, you know... thrown it out by now.”

 

Involuntarily both men’s eyes went to Brienne. She frowned, her body tensing defensively: “Why are you both looking at me? Just because I am a woman, it does not mean I know shit about pregnancies…” Before even finishing her sentence, Brienne gasped loudly, hand resting on her stomach. “Oh, Gods... I know nothing about pregnancies!”

 

Utterly oblivious, Jaime dismissed her words with a flare of his hand. “Don't fuss over it, Ser. You are not supposed to know. We are soldiers… the body realities we are accustomed to are slightly more straightforward - it’s either you bleed with your insides cut out, or you don’t! I do not suppose we can dream of a real maester for her?”

 

Brienne lifted her shoulders and muttered: “Not if we all want to live.”

 

Jaime's head turned over his shoulder, looking at Cersei’s lifeless body. He felt a great pressure growing in his skull. He exhaled loudly and turned towards the two rescuers. It truly struck him how poorly equipped were two knights and a knight-to-be to handle the situation. His eyes moved on the vials brought by Podrick, then back to Brienne.

 

"What do you say we should do?"

 

“What do I say?" Brienne frowned. "Jaime, it is you who needs to decide!”

 

Jaime looked at her with big pleading eyes. He shook his head: "No, no, no... You are the commander, you cannot leave the decision on me!"

 

“It has to be you, Ser Jaime!" Brienne said assertively. "We might murder her in the process and it cannot be on either me or Podrick. It is entirely your decision as we are weighing in the life of your sister and your unborn…” Brienne and Jaime looked at each other for a terrifying second. Brienne swallowed the word they both knew she wanted to say and added instead: “…niece or nephew, if her Grace was wrong and the babe is still alive.”

 

Jaime let out a desperate groan and turned his back on the two. For the first time since they were there, he walked to Cersei’s side, falling on his knees beside the bed. He looked at her with big green eyes, taking in her whole body. He turned his head at the baby bump and rose his hand to touch it. He stroked it tenderly while his eyes moved to his sister's face. She was dirty and disturbingly thin. Her cheeks seemed sucked in, her eyes were sulked deep in her skull, while her lips were a strange shade of purple. Jaime could not help but think of how broken she had been in her last hours, how deeply she had succumbed to a debilitating desperation. He did not want those to be her last moments, not if there was the slightest chance for her recovery.

 

Sighing, Jaime rose to his feet. He leaned over her and pressed his lips on Cersei's forehead: “If you dare to die on me… I will come in the deepest hell, where we all know you are going, and I will make you pay for it! Do you hear me, sweet sister?”

 

He straightened his back and looked towards Brienne and Pod: “Alright… let’s go for it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is one of my favourite chapters. I hope you liked reading it as much as I loved writing it.  
> Cannot wait to read what you think of it, so please don't be shy! Xx


	10. Unnecessarily good

_[Alright... let's go for it.]_  

 

Brienne met his terrified gaze with a reassuring nod: “I believe it is the right choice, Ser Jaime. We will all do our best with the procedures and will try to make sure she lives…”

 

Jaime looked at her and felt tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. He felt overwhelmed by the situation. His mind and soul were torn between the two women and their specific problems. He was deeply worried for them both, but only in turns. One thing Jaime realised was that he simply could not think of both Brienne and Cersei at the same time. It was beyond him - utterly beyond him! Every fibre of his body refused to acknowledge them at the same time. It must have been a coping mechanism. Cersei's life mattered not when Brienne told him about slaying the Dragon Queen, just like Brienne's plot had faded from his thoughts the second Podrick mentioned the risks of Cersei's procedures. He wanted to say something to Brienne, to thank her for everything she was doing for him and Cersei, but his mouth refused to open. Before Jaime could force a word out, the knight's attention turned to her squire.   

 

 

“Podrick, I must find my team and see what they accomplished today and then I need to report to the Queen. I leave you in charge of our _guests_. Please begin her Grace’s procedures just as you saw them done. I should return not long after you finish the first vial. If you have the time, could you please clean up the floor?”

 

“Yes, Ser, absolutely!” Her squire assured her, faithful as ever.

 

“And what am I to do, Ser?” Jaime asked timidly, taking a few steps towards the desk.

 

“You will sleep, Ser Jaime.” Brienne said promptly.

 

Jaime frowned, taking one second to consider Brienne's suggestion, before shaking his head: “That will not happen. Seriously, what should I do?”

 

Without responding to him, Brienne went to open the chest at the foot of the bed. She leaned over and took a tiny bottle from within a sachet. “I meant it – you will sleep.” She refilled his cup with water and took it to him. "Hold this." She instructed and Jaime did as asked, without saying a word. Brienne removed the cap of the tiny bottle she was holding and poured two drops in his cup:

 

“Essence of Nightshade. Only two drops, as you may be too weak for the usual three drops dosage. Drink up.”

 

Jaime frowned and looked at her as if she lacked common sense. Brienne put her hand over his and forced him to lift the cup to his lips. Distracted by the sudden contact with her skin, Jaime obliged. He stopped only when the cup had nearly reached his mouth: “Wait! I won’t drink this!”

 

“Yes, Ser Jaime, you will. Your body has been deprived of basic needs for over three days. You are exhausted, you failed to keep food in your stomach and you change your moods faster than a damsel does on her moon cycle. You are too stubborn and agitated to fall asleep and you will do nothing but annoy Podrick if you stay awake. I hope you understand that having you and your sister here is a burden for me and for what I have to accomplish. So please do not add to my list of concerns by losing your consciousness too. Drink that up, it will force you asleep all throughout the afternoon and night. A deep, dreamless sleep. Maybe tomorrow your body will be strong enough to be fed properly and you will be able to take care of your sister on your own, as Podrick and I have actual duties to attend to.”

 

Jaime sighed and drank the cup in one go. When he finished he looked her deep in the eyes and whispered in a hoarse voice. “Brienne... please think of what I have told you. I meant every word. I would do anything to help you… Look, I even drank poison since this seems to please you.”

 

Brienne rolled her eyes: “I did not poison you, Ser. You will thank me tomorrow.”

 

He did not reply to her, but went and sat on the edge of the bed. Clenching his teeth and mildly pouting, Jaime did not hide his annoyance at what she had made him do. He removed his boots and tossed them underneath the bed, before lying on his back. He started staring at the ceiling while he waited for the sleeping potion to take him.

 

Brienne turned her back on him and went to the desk to check on Podrick pouring the liquid from one vial inside the flask of the syringe. They spoke on a low tone and the squire “yes, Ser”-ed Brienne a couple of times before she left the room.

 

Jaime's body felt heavier and heavier. He followed Podrick with his eyes. The squire dragged a chair by Cersei’s side and then cut the sleeve of her dress with a knife, exposing her arm and veins. Jaime wanted to speak to him, to tell him to be careful, but he found it hard to speak. His eyes closed and opened at ever-shorter intervals until they did not open at all. Darkness engulfed him again.

 

He waited in vain for his awareness to fade. Brienne had been wrong in giving him only two drops. They were not enough to send him in that deep dreamless sleep. The Essence indeed numbed his body entirely, but it only dulled his senses. Regardless of how much his muscles relaxed, his sleep was light and his mind remained fairly awake, albeit calmer.

 

As Podrick did his task in silence, timed slowed down and Jaime lost awareness of its passing. Nonetheless, when Brienne returned, he felt her presence in the room. He felt her scent invading his nostrils and his heart skipped a beat. He had grown to recognise that scent during the long nights he spent inhaling her skin, with his head on her breasts, in their chamber at Winterfell. Even under the influence of sleeping substances, Jaime knew she was truly there and he was not merely dreaming of her.

 

“You are right, Podrick. Her pulse is much stronger. You did a great job, thank you.” He heard Brienne saying and felt the proudness in her tone. “How did Ser Jaime behave?"

 

"I cannot complain, Ser. He is deeply asleep." Podrick replied and Jaime wanted to contradict him. He was barely asleep and wanted to wake up to join their conversation, but his body was paralyzed. Not a single muscle seemed inclined to budge, not even his eyelids.

 

"Great to hear that, Podrick. Thank you as well for cleaning up. You truly deserve a good rest, so go on then, you are dismissed for the night.”

 

“Thank you, Ser. And Ser… you should rest too. None of our _guests_ will wake up anytime soon. They do not need you to watch over them.”

 

“I will take a short rest, Podrick, I promise. But I have to return to inject her Grace a couple more times tonight. I went to the maesters and found out the procedure should be repeated at short intervals for it to be successful. As long as her veins hold, she will live... but that is not up to us."

 

“I will do it, Ser.” The squire offered promptly. "You need to sleep more than I do."

 

“It’s quite alright, I mind it not. I know you mean well, but I will not be able to sleep anyway. Now that we have them here, I need to be perpetually on guard. I will not be able to take Essence anymore... so sleeping seems to have fully gotten to the seven hells for me.” Brienne said and there was great sadness in her tone. After a moment of silence, the knight continued: "Go to sleep, Podrick."

 

"Yes, Ser. Good night, Ser."

 

"Good night, Po... ah, Podrick! Tomorrow morning, please prepare the bathhouse. If there’s a chance for her Grace to wake up soon, it would be better for her not to see herself covered in dried vomit and dirt. I would also ask of you to find her some clean clothing... a dress or two, maybe.” Jaime’s heart skipped a beat at Brienne’s words. He wanted to wake up to tell her she did not have to be good with Cersei. He wanted to warn Brienne that his sister was a dangerous, vengeful woman who wished her death, who threatened to kill her painfully. The thought that Brienne sought to pamper Cersei in order to spare her feelings was preposterous.

 

“I think you are too good to her Grace, Ser…” Podrick replied unexpectedly, as if able to read Jaime’s thoughts. His voice was firmer than Jaime had ever heard the shy, polite squire be. 

 

“Are you judging my decisions, Podrick? Are you questioning them?” Brienne asked defensively.

 

“I would dare not do either, Ser… it’s just that…” Podrick took in a deep breath before continuing: “It pains me to see you being unnecessarily good to someone like her Grace. I understand that saving her life is what any respectable knight would do, but there is no need for you to show such care and dedication. You know Ser, you are allowed to hate her... and maybe you should hate her. There is no need for you to be selfless about her. She does not deserve it, Ser, and she would never even appreciate it.”

 

“I am not doing it for her, Podrick.” Brienne sighed and she sounded tired, defeated even. 

 

“That I do know, Ser. You are doing it for him… but he deserves it even less than she does!” Podrick’s words felt like a knife to Jaime's heart.

 

“Podrick, I think you should go to rest. The late hour makes you too permissive with your remarks and it bothers me.”

 

“I meant no offence, Ser…” The squire replied politely and Jaime could picture him lowering his head in shame. But if Podrick's next words were of any indication, Jaime had pictured his reaction wrong. “It is my duty to assist you with everything, Ser. It is my duty to unburden your load, to take upon myself from the things you have to do... and if you cannot be angry at him, then it is my duty to be, Ser!”

 

“It is not your duty, Podrick.” Brienne answered softly.

 

“It became my duty the night I found you crying on your knees in the courtyard, Ser...” Podrick's words cut him deep and Jaime wanted to scream in agony at learning the immediate consequences of his departure from Winterfell. 

 

“Podrick, just go to sleep.” Brienne whispered painfully.

 

“Yes, Ser, I will go Ser… but you know, just because they lived, it does not mean they deserve to win and be together. . . You should not be good to them, to him.”

 

Brienne sighed and Jaime could swear her voice was breaking when she spoke. “We do not choose who we love…”

 

“Unfortunately, Ser… for I know someone as noble as you would have never chosen Ser Jaime.”

 

"I meant that he had no choice in loving her! Not that I had no choice in loving... Podrick just go to bed! Please, just go!" Brienne begged and Jaime knew she was about to cry.

 

"Good night, Ser." The squire obliged with a heavy sigh and Jaime heard the door opening.

 

"Podrick..." Brienne stopped him in his tracks. "Thank you... Thank you for everything. You have been a true brother to me these past weeks."

 

"It has been a privilege, Ser."

 

"You know..." Brienne said and Jaime could sense a smile in her tone. "You have my blessing to be angry with Ser Jaime on my behalf. Fight him if you want to, you're strong enough to knock the old man out. But be careful not to hurt him. I promise you Podrick that I will hurt him myself... I might put up a brave face, but I am not as alright with what happened as I let show." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TeamPodrick anyone?  
> Looking forward to hearing what you think of this chapter. Xx


	11. Bathtub confessions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think it's rather customary to have a bathtub scene between Jaime and Brienne...
> 
> Hope you will like this one, despite the rather obvious *third participant* twist. Xx

Jaime woke up to the sun shining on his face. He lifted his upper body on his elbows and stretched his back. He was surprisingly calm and relaxed, despite feeling no happiness in his heart. The conversation he had unwillingly overheard was still very fresh in his mind. Hearing of Podrick’s ill feelings towards him, of Brienne’s heartbreak, of her selfless determination to help Cersei for his benefit alone, all these had made Jaime realise the urgency of making amends for his unfortunate departure from Winterfell. His craven nature had initially persuaded him to wait for a favourable moment. However, Jaime now knew the timing might never be right again. He wanted Brienne to know why he had left, not so much out of hope she would forgive him – although he would have lied to deny he prayed for her forgiveness – as out of a need to truthfully apologise for his behaviour.

 

Hell-bent on telling Brienne the truth that very same day, Jaime rose from the bed.

 

Looking around, he noticed being all alone with Cersei. The Lord Commander's room was clean and tidy, rather as he liked to keep it while living there. He walked around the bed to Cersei's side and brushed his fingers through her hair, suddenly thinking that the two of them were the dirtiest things in the room. Jaime sighed sadly at the word which rang true both literally and morally. Brienne's offering to clean Cersei came to his mind almost immediately, curving his lips into a smile. She would cleanse them, Jaime thought, Brienne would cleanse them both... But Jaime's smile was short-lived and his heart tied in a knot. Brienne would cleanse them both, Jaime repeated to himself, unless their filth rubbed on her first... He shook his head, pushing the thought deep inside his mind.

 

Focusing his full attention on his sister, Jaime placed two fingers on her neck and smiled wildly when realising her pulse had much improved. He took in her whole frail form, resting his eyes on her chest. He held his breath and did not move. Looking at her very closely and quietly, Jaime could  _almost_ see her chest rising and falling.

 

"Please, wake up for me..." Jaime begged and knelt beside her bed. He took her arm into his hand and inspected her bruised skin, the testimony of a long night spent with a needle embroidering her veins. Jaime pressed his lips on her bruises and slowly licked away the small stains of dried blood. Licking each other’s wounds was something they had acquired a taste for doing in their adolescence. But now, thinking of the whole thing, gave Jaime pause. He swallowed hard and let Cersei’s arm rest back on the bed.

 

 _If it feels wrong, it must be wrong!_ Cersei’s old mantra rang loud in his thoughts and Jaime stood up as burnt. He let out a deep breath, his soul shaken at the realisation that – for the first time in his life – it did feel wrong. Licking each other's wounds was in fact what lions did... but they were not actually animals. Jaime shook his head pushing away countless memories of him and Cersei being just that - animals. _If it feels wrong, it must be wrong!_ No matter how many times they had done it before, licking the blood of one’s sibling was decisively wrong and Jaime made a silent vow to never do it again. No more filth, he told himself and walked towards the door.

 

Jaime tried the door and was not surprised at all to find it locked. They were prisoners after all and Brienne was not one to take any risks. He would never leave her again, but she had no reason to believe that of him and Jaime understood it very well. 

 

He took his steps to the food table and filled a plate with bread, cheese and fruits. He walked quietly to the Lord Commander’s desk and broke his fast while rereading his favourite tales from the Book of Brothers.

 

When almost done eating, Jaime heard the door unlocking and rose promptly to his feet to greet Brienne. His desire of seeing her being so great, he could not hide his deep disappointment at the sight of Podrick. Judging by the expression on the squire’s eyes, Jaime’s unwelcoming reaction had been quite transparent to the younger man. Polite as ever though, Podrick greeted him with a nod and no further remark, before walking his tray of medicine towards the desk.

 

“I need to teach you how to do the procedures on her Grace, Ser Jaime. Our duties for today changed unexpectedly, thus Ser Brienne and I are otherwise engaged until after sunset…”

 

“Is everything alright with Brienne?” Jaime asked promptly, his heart skipping a beat.

 

“Yes, Ser. Everything is alright.” Podrick assured him with no further details, leaving Jaime unconvinced. Before giving the knight a chance to press the issue further, Podrick began explaining what was to be done for Cersei. Jaime listened carefully and strove not to antagonise the younger man, as the previous night's conversation had significantly increased his respect for the squire who cared for Brienne when he had failed her. 

 

Soon after, the key turned once again into the door and Jaime was left alone with his sister. The day passed quietly. Trying not to worry about Brienne's "unexpected" change in duties or about the conversation he wanted to have with her, Jaime dedicated himself completely to caring for Cersei. The first time he tried to find her vein and insert the needle was a real challenge. He could not do it without lifting her arm and he could not keep her arm lifted unless it rested on his stump. Jaime sighed knowing how much Cersei would hate being touched by that part of him. However, Cersei was unconscious and unless he did what Podrick had told him to, she would never have the chance to hate being touched by him again. So Jaime did it and repeated it at the proper intervals. In the rest of the time, he read her aloud more stories from the Book of Brothers, talking to her as if she could hear him.

 

Not long before sunset, Jaime fell asleep with his head on the Book. The sound of waves crashing engulfed his mind and he found himself walking on the edge of the rocks upon which Casterly Rock stood tall. He did not know why he was there, as the ancestral castle of his House had ceased being his home decades before, but Jaime felt at peace. He stared into the angry waves and watched them breaking violently. For a moment he thought of jumping into oblivion. The thought of dying with the waves was oddly comforting and the temptation grew within the more he stared into the sea. But as he was staring, the sea began to calm its fury, all while changing its grey colour into that distinctive shade of blue which surrounded the Isle of Tarth. Jaime gasped in wonder and before he could jump wholeheartedly into the sapphire blue, the scent of the sea was replaced with the scent of _her_.

 

"Brienne!" Jaime woke up with a pounding heart.

  

“I did not want to startle you, Ser Jaime.” She said on an apologetic tone while closing the door behind her. The first thing Jaime noticed was the lack of her armour, as she was dressed merely in a shirt and trousers.

 

"You did not... I did not realise you came, I was just... dreaming of..." Jaime did not finish his sentence for he did not know how. What had he been dreaming of? Casterly Rock? Suicide? Tarth? Her? All of those and none at all? He shook off the dream and stood up from the desk. "How was your day, Ser Brienne? Was everything alright?"

 

Brienne shook her head and bit her lips. "It was a strange, heartbreaking and challenging day... The Queen woke up with this  _great_ idea of visiting every house still standing in King's Landing. As a Queensguard of a Queen hated in every single house still standing in King's Landing... I was rather less thrilled by the idea even before understanding why we were touring the capital. Turned out she wanted to pay her..." Brienne let out a loud exasperated breath. "... well, on one hand, to pay her respects and, on the other hand, to pay three silver stags for each family member she had killed per residence.”  

 

“What?” Jaime asked utterly disturbed, a feeling of rage growing within his chest. “Is she putting a price on her fire and blood massacre?”

 

Brienne nodded and shook her head all at once, as if trying to will away the memories of what she had witnessed. “It was sacrilegious... I barely forced myself not to turn Oathkeeper into Oathbreaker before its time.”

 

Jaime’s heart skipped a beat at her words, but Brienne did not give him the chance to speak. Forcing a smile, she added with a sudden change of subject: "I prepared a basin in the bathhouse for her Grace. I believe there are great chances for her to wake up tomorrow, thus I thought she could use a bath before that.”

 

Jaime smiled and bowed his head deeply: “Thank you so much… that is beyond thoughtful.”

 

"It's merely necessary." Brienne dismissed his words and walked towards the bed. "I would require your help, however. I am unsure I can bathe her by myself and, in order to protect your sister's modesty, Podrick cannot assist me."

 

Jaime’s eyes flickered at the thought of them together in a bathtub again and memories of Harrenhal and Winterfell flooded his mind. He shook them away and did what Brienne requested him to do, which involved carrying the sheets and soaps while she carried Cersei down the spiralling stairs and into the Kingsguard's bathhouse.

 

Jaime looked around taking in the sight he had long missed. Without doubt, that was the most beautiful bathhouse he had ever seen. Found one level beneath the ground, the circular room was significantly larger than the diameter of the White Sword Tower. Paved and tiled entirely in white marble, the bathhouse had seven circular basins, each for a member of the Kingsguard, arranged in a perfect circle. In between them was a great hearth that could make the bathhouse brighter than a summer day when fully lit. But now it was not fully lit. A small shy fire burnt from the hearth and several candles were placed beside one of the basins. Jaime found himself thinking that the atmosphere was oddly pleasant and disturbingly intimate.

 

While he looked around as awestruck as on the first day he had set foot inside the Kingsguard's bathhouse, Brienne laid Cersei beside the basin closely lit by candles and began undoing her dress with ho words. Suddenly aware he should remove his clothes as well, Jaime placed the sheets on the marble and took off his shirt and shoes. He was working the laces of his trousers when Brienne turned around and shoot him an alarmed look:

 

"What are you doing?"

 

Jaime paused: "Ahm... am I not getting inside the water?"

 

"Yes, Ser, you are... but not naked!" Brienne replied rolling her eyes, while slowly uncovering Cersei's breasts. Jaime grimaces and knotted his trousers' laces again. He sat down on the edge of the basin, dipping his feet inside. He did not know what else to say, so he kept quiet as waves and waves of shame and regret washed over him. He had the gut-wrenching feeling the whole bathing experience would be excruciating.

 

After removing Cersei's dress, Brienne removed only her shoes, keeping her shirt and trousers on. She lifted the former Queen's delicate body and stepped down inside the basin, until the water reached above Brienne's belly button.

 

"I will hold her afloat... and you will wash her body." Jaime bit his lips at Brienne's words. The whole proposition terrified him and every fibre of his mind screamed against it. How was he supposed to run his hand all over Cersei's naked body, while Brienne was there to watch? No matter how chastely he would do it, Brienne would still most likely picture them together. Was it an option to turn around and run?

 

Well aware it was not, Jaime took the soap with shaking hands and stepped into the basin, without daring to question Brienne. The warm water helped calm his nerves a little and soothe his worn body. He moved towards the two women.

 

Jaime stopped in front of Brienne, Cersei's naked body floating on her arms in between them. Jaime felt the whole scene was but a cruel representation of their relationship. He looked deep into Brienne's eyes and, for a short moment, they both held their breaths.

 

He was the first one to look away. Deciding the faster he finished the ordeal the better, Jaime took Cersei's arm and rubbed the bar of soap on it. A deep agonising silence descended in the bathhouse and the tension charging the air grew increasingly hard to bear with every stroke of soap over Cersei's skin.

 

Just when Jaime thought he would no longer be able to contain his pain and would burst into tears, Brienne whispered shyly: “Did you know?”

 

“Know what?” Jaime replied barely audibly, while running the soap over Cersei’s shoulder.

 

“Did you know that she was with child when you rode North?”

 

“Yes... I did know.” Jaime whispered and a lone tear rolled down his cheek.

 

“Is… is the child yours?”

 

“Yes, the child is mine…” 

 

Brienne bit her trembling lips and looked at him. "Why then?" The sadness in her tone made him raise his head and seek her eyes. "Why did you leave her then? Why did you come North? It made such little difference for us..." Noticing the hurt expression in his eyes, Brienne hurried to add on the same shuddering tone. "I mean... we did appreciate having you fight alongside us... but one man more or less mattered not to the battle. Why did you leave your pregnant Queen and embarked on a deadly quest?"

 

Jaime shook his head in disbelief. All that time thinking of the right moment to tell Brienne the truth, he had never once thought of what would be the worst moment to do it. Jaime truly hated the Gods for their tragic sense of humour.

 

"I did it for myself..." He replied with his sister's words, while lifting his shoulders. The worst time or not, Jaime had to face Brienne.

 

"I came North because it was what I wanted to do and because it was where I wanted to be…” Jaime smiled to Brienne, before turning his eyes to Cersei's face. His hand and soap rubbed on her collarbone, while he spoke on a grave voice: "For most of my life, Cersei has been my everything... the person I lived for. She was the only one for me. I loved her so deeply there was nothing I would not do for her..." His hand moved down to her breasts, the soap caressing one and then the other: "I wanted her to be mine more than I have ever wanted knighthood... and knighthood's been my life's only goal. I wanted to marry her... I wanted to place a Lannister coat of gold over her shoulders and swear in front of Gods and men that I was hers and she was mine... from that day and until our last day..." With large tears falling down his face, Jaime's hand moved to Cersei's bump. "It was, of course, not possible... but I never stopped dreaming of it. I settled for playing the husband part from the shadows... I visited her most nights... I fathered her children... and it worked well for a while." Jaime gulped and looked up at Brienne. Her face was in tears as much as his, the same heartbreak in her eyes as on the night he had left.

 

"It worked for a while..." Jaime repeated holding her gaze. "...until tragedy hit House Lannister. It was an entirely self-inflicted tragedy, I must admit." He sighed, eyes falling from Brienne on Cersei's bump. "My relationship with Cersei started a war that damaged our House's strength and killed our children, that weakened our grip on the throne just in time for Tyrion to add the final nail in the Lannister coffin by killing Father."

 

"Everything changed..." He whispered tracing his soap down Cersei's hips and thighs. "After my imprisonment... nothing has been the same with Cersei, for I was no longer the same man. The veil had lifted and no matter how hard I tried to block the view... I did see her turning dark before my eyes. But I stayed and did everything she asked me to. I kept telling myself she could not go much further than she already had. Then she would prove me wrong by overstepping a new line... and I would lie to myself again... 'This time... this time she would not go further than she already had... this time, this time... this time..."

 

Jaime's head lifted from his sister's body and met Brienne's eyes once more. "And then she set the Sept of Baelor ablaze with wildfire... burn... burn them all!" Jaime let his head fall back: "BURN THEM ALL!" He screamed towards the skies, face covered in tears and Brienne let out a loud sob. His hand was shaking so hard, the soap slipped and hit the water with a soft splash, slowly sinking to the ground. Jaime looked at the white marble for several long moments, taking his time to calm down.

 

When he did, he let his body fall in the water, hand searching for the soap. Jaime stood back on his feet and brought the soap to Cersei's legs. "I knew I would never forgive her for it..." He said and his voice was more even and controlled than at any point before. "Yet a new temptation arouse... Cersei was Queen in her own right and she told me we would be together... finally together for the whole world to see. I owed it to myself to try and save our relationship in its final hour..." Jaime laughed sadly and swam towards the edge of the basin to leave the soap there. Returning to Cersei, Jaime began rinsing her body. "It was too late for me and Cersei. By that point, there was nothing - absolutely nothing - that could have saved us. Not even a child. When we could have become everything I had dreamt us to be... Cersei was no longer that everything."

 

Jaime lifted his head and pointed his chin high, eyes taking in Brienne's tear-stained face. Over Cersei's body, he lifted his hand and wiped Brienne's tears: "When I and Cersei could have finally become everything I had dreamt us to be... my heart belonged to you..." She gasped, closing her eyes and biting her lips in order to keep the raw sobs in. "I rode North because you were North. I rode North because the thought of you dying in a hopeless battle against the Dead, all while wondering why I and my Lannister army failed to show up, was too much to bear. I left Cersei and our unborn child and rode North for myself. I wanted to fight beside you and fall with you if that was to be your fate."               

 

"Fall with me… not live with me...” Brienne whispered through tears.

 

“Ow, Brienne…” Jaime sighed so deeply he thought his heart would shatter. “I did want to live with you... I still do! The time we had in Winterfell were the best weeks of my life. My father being a widow, I never knew what marriage was supposed to be… I long thought what Cersei and I had was it of some sorts. But being with you showed me how wrong that was... having you showed me how much I misunderstood what love was... Hate me if you must, but want it or not, you were my wife in the sight of Gods and men, for there was not a leaf in the Weirwood tree and not a soul in the North that did not know of us! 

 

“Jaime…” Brienne whispered.

 

“I swear on my unborn child that I wanted to stay… but I could not let her die alone! Loving you now does not erase the fact that Cersei has been the most important person in my life for my entire life. She is monstrous… hateful… but she is my sister, my twin! Half of what I am is Cersei and half of what she is it is I… Our bond will never break! Brienne, I need you to know, I need you to understand, that if I could turn back time and do it again… I would still leave.”

 

Brienne gasped painfully. “But I would do it right… I would trust you with the truth. I would not choose to cowardly run in the dead of the night. I am sorry for leaving like that… I am sorry for not having the courage to face you with my choice, for hoping to be long gone when you would wake up… for becoming enraged when you caught me in the act, for pouring onto you the hatred I felt towards myself… for leaving you with hateful words, instead of loving ones. I dare not dream to ever earn your forgiveness… but please let me spend my life trying...”

 

“I..." Brienne whispered, but no other words came out. She cleared her voice and looked at Cersei: "I think your sister is clean enough now. I will take her to the room and dress her in new clothes. You wash yourself too..”

 

Jaime sighed: “Thank you, Brienne…”

 

She said no more and he let her go. Needing to calm himself down and internalize once again his emotions, Jaime stayed in the basin until the water turned too cold to bear. He returned to the room covered in a clean sheet. Brienne was there, sitting at the desk, elbows on it, and her head into her palms. She looked deeply shaken and conflicted.

 

“Has something happened?” Jaime asked promptly and she lifted her head startled to look at him.

 

"Your damn speech happened and now I have to tell you something... I need to tell you something right in this moment or I will lose my mind!" Brienne said in one breath, standing from the desk. She walked towards him with a terrified look in her eyes. He met her halfway, heart skipping beats and mind thinking the worst.

 

Brienne clasped her hands together and covered her mouth with them. Fresh tears started gathering in her eyes, while she struggled to breathe in and out in her palms.

 

"Brienne..." Jaime begged, grabbing one of her wrists in his hand and uncovering her face.

 

“Jaime, there is a complication you should know of!”

 

“Is it the plot? Any raven with dreadful news?”

 

“No, oh no... no... it's worse...” Brienne swallowed hard and looked him deep into his green eyes: “Jaime, I am also pregnant.”    

 

Jaime’s eyes widened in shock, drifting up and down from her face to her belly. Time seemed to slow down for him, while his heart raced faster. Jaime’s lips curved upwards, his smile growing bigger and brighter by the second. Unable to contain himself, he thrust his body forward closing the distance between them. His hand flew in her hair and he pushed her head towards him before pressing his lips in hers. He kissed her with mad fervour and she responded eagerly for a short while, before her mind came to its senses and she pushed him violently away, both hands on his chest.

 

“What are you doing?"

 

"Celebrating?" Jaime laughed and leaned to kiss her again.

 

“But…” Brienne protested.

 

"Shhhhh... don't ruin it!" Jaime silenced her with another kiss, his tongue forcing her lips open and searching hers. In spite of herself, Brienne responded to his kiss, body leaning into his for a long moment, before pushing him again, eyes widened in shock.

 

“The Queen!” She whispered.

 

“Fuck the Queen! You want me to kill her for you... I will kill her for you... or we could kill her together... I don't care about the damned Queen!" Jaime leaned to kiss her again, but Brienne's firm hand held him in place. 

 

“Not _that_ Queen… _this_ Queen…”

 

Jaime turned on his heels in a heartbeat. From her bed, his sister’s green eyes locked into his and, for a dreadful moment, Jaime was certain Cersei would die of heartbreak.   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure if I should hide in a snake hole or not... you tell me, how safe am I? How much did you like, hate, or both this chapter? Xx


	12. Leave my sight!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed this story's rating to M for reasons™... although this chapter might be slightly above M.

“Cersei…” Jaime whispered, feeling his heart half-rising and half-sinking at the same time. Joy and terror filled him, as he rushed to his sister’s side. He leaned over, seeking to place his hand on her forehead, but Cersei turned her face sideways to elude his touch.

 

“Leave…” She whispered in a strangled, yet bitter enough tone. Jaime’s eyes turned involuntarily to Brienne. She was standing still right in the middle of the room, mouth slightly parted and an expression of utter terror in her eyes. Despite being unsure of whether Cersei heard their conversation, none of them had any doubt she saw at least one of the unchivalrous kisses Jaime had forced on Brienne.

 

“Wa… I wan... water…” Cersei whispered again reclaiming Jaime’s immediate attention. He turned promptly on his heels and rushed to the food table, only vaguely aware he had no shirt on and his bottom half was covered merely in a bath sheet. As he poured the water with his back at them, Jaime felt the eyes of both women fixating on him. He swallowed hard, willing away the raising sensation of throwing up which stirred in his stomach. All of a sudden, he wanted Tyrion to be there! His brother was the only person who could make the situation bearable. Jaime repressed a smile at the thought of Tyrion laughing at his expense, all while throwing snarky remarks and inappropriate jokes his way. Jaime Lannister finally living up to his womaniser reputation! Jaime Lannister having two women pregnant with two bastard children at the same time…

 

 _Or maybe just one bastard child_... his mind remarked involuntarily and Jaime’s heart shuttered at the thought of it. Cersei would lose her mind if their child was truly gone, while Brienne’s thrived. He turned around to look at his sister. Their eyes locked into each other's and he could see the hurt in her emerald green gaze. He held his breath and dared not breathe for there was so much more than just pain and heartbreak in her eyes. There was hatred, there was wrath, and there was the threat of vengeance. Cersei hated Brienne because of his love for her and Jaime knew it. But if Brienne got her cub, while Cersei lost her fourth... the hatred would become infinitely more personal. His sister's malice would make Daenerys and her fire-breathing dragon seem harmless by comparison... and there was little he could do to prevent the worst from happening.

 

Jaime walked towards his sister's bed with the cup of water she had requested, but all she did was hiss at him once he got close enough.

 

“Not you…” Cersei snarked, but Jaime ignored her. He leaned over to place the cup to her lips. With such agility he did not see coming, Cersei’s hand slapped his own, spilling the water over his bare chest.

 

“Not you!” Cersei repeated more threateningly.

 

“Cersei, please…” Jaime whispered softly and tried to touch her arm. She raised hers and sought to push him away. Her weak body allowed no such thing, but she clawed her nails in his skin instead. Jaime swallowed hard and looked at her terrified. He had long known his sister could run on hatred, but seeing her like that - barely alive, weaker than a newborn babe - and still able to channel her resentments and muster enough energy to deliver threats left him petrified.  

 

“Touch me again and I will cut off your other hand!" Cersei hissed dragging her nails down his chest, leaving his skin reddened and tender. "Leave my sight... just leave..."

 

Jaime's heart stopped, not at his sister's words, but at how her eyes turned towards Brienne. "Water... give me water..." Jaime saw his knight swallowing and, for a long second, she did not move. Then Brienne nodded, straightened her back and lifted her chin while walking to the small table to pour Cersei another cup of water. She walked to the bed and slowly pushed Jaime out of her way, before helping Cersei upright. Brienne placed a hand on Cersei's shoulder and held the cup to her lips. 

 

“Take small sips, your Grace…” Brienne whispered and Cersei did as told. Jaime watched them unable to move. When had his life become such an unfathomable mess? How could he help them both? How could he help the four of them? How could he keep them all safe? Safe from the world, safe from each other? And if it came down to it, whom would he choose? Jaime swallowed back the dread and fear which possessed his body. He could not conceive the thought of ever leaving Brienne again, but he could not abandon Cersei either. They were both his family. They were both his to protect, to support, to provide for.

 

Jaime could not take his eyes from them, but the longer he stared, the better he understood. He would never choose between Cersei and Brienne. No earthly or godly power could make him choose between his two women. He loved them both and he would do so for as long as he lived. In the end, it all came down to one single reality - one was his sister, the other his wife.

 

"Get him out of here..." Cersei commanded on a weak voice, startling Jaime from his thoughts. It looked like she had finished drinking and wanted more water, but not before her brother left the room. Brienne nodded and turned towards Jaime. She said nothing, but made a soft movement with her head, indicating towards the door.

 

“You must be shitting me!” Jaime replied shaking his head in annoyance. "I will not leave..."  _you alone with her_ , he wanted to add, but knew instantly the remark would do nothing but enrage both women. 

 

“Just fucking leave my sight!” Cersei tried to scream and threw a pillow his way. It fell flat on her legs. Jaime looked at his sister attempting and failing to be hysterical. She was weak and powerless - for now. He searched her eyes and they both frowned. She wrinkled her nose, clenched her teeth and shot him a murderous look. Jaime mirrored her expression exactly. Their deadly gazes locked into each other. 

 

He loved Cersei!

 

He would always love Cersei, no matter how hateful she was. But at that moment Jaime knew he would never help her back on the throne. Quite the contrary, he would do anything he could to prevent his sister from ever reaching any position of power again. Looking into Cersei's eyes, Jaime made a silent vow to keep her weak and powerless for as long as she lived. That and only that would ensure the protection of his children, of his wife, and of Cersei herself.

 

“Where should I go?" Jaime asked on a polite tone, turning towards Brienne.

 

"Go downstairs. If Podrick is in his room, please send him here - if not, send him here when you see him." Jaime nodded and walked to the door, but Brienne cleared her voice before he could open it. "Ser Jaime..." He turned around and looked at her. "I should probably not have to mention this but... it's you, so I really feel I must make it clear. If Podrick is not in his room, do  _not_ go looking for him, just wait for him here in the Tower. After you see him, just take a room downstairs and..." She looked at him with begging eyes. "... keep quiet and cause me no trouble?" 

  

Jaime rolled his eyes at her before leaving the Lord Commander’s apartment, but said no more. He rushed down the stairs to the third and second floors and began knocking on each of the six doors of the Kingsguards’ rooms. Podrick’s voice invited him in one of the chambers on the second floor, and Jaime entered without hesitation.

 

“My sister is awake. Go to Brienne!” He said with no further introduction. The squire, who seemed to be reading by the window, stood up at once. Putting his book aside and taking his sword, Podrick looked Jaime up and down, taking in his state of near nakedness.

 

“Do you need some fresh clothes, Ser Jaime?” The squire asked walking towards the door.

 

“Hey, wait!” Jaime said firmly, stepping between Podrick and the door. He placed his hand on the younger man's chest and held his gaze. “What do you need the sword for? My sister can barely spit her venom, she won’t do anything to you or Brienne!”

 

“I will not slay the Queen..." Podrick said on such a suggestive tone that left Jaime convinced he had to bite his tongue hard to prevent himself from adding  _Kingslayer_ at the end of that sentence. Jaime clenched his teeth and refrained himself from being as rude as he wanted to be. He reminded himself that Podrick was Brienne's greatest protector and that he owed him the safety of his wife. With a polite nod, Jaime moved out of Podrick's way.

 

“Where should I get those fresh clothes from?” The squire indicated towards the large chest at the foot of the bed and left the room without saying another word. Jaime heard him climbing the stairs two at once in order to reach his knight’s side at the shortest possible time. He smiled, feeling sincere respect for the young man he fought the Army of the Dead beside, the young man who had enough courage and loyalty in his heart to hate someone so much above his status on behalf of the knight training him. 

 

Jaime picked a pair of trousers and a shirt from Podrick’s chest, then left the room in order to find one for himself. Without thinking much of it, his steps took him straight to the chamber he used to call his own before becoming Lord Commander. Upon opening the door, Jaime realised it was already occupied. As he and Cersei had claimed her apartments, Brienne had to settle for a smaller room. He did not know whether it was mere coincidence, or whether she knew it had been his, but Jaime smiled seeing her armour and sword in there.

 

He looked around the small, cosy chamber. The fire was on in the hearth, a bowl of fruits rested on the table and a book about dragons next to it. Jaime's heart skipped beats at the thought of how different everything was now, after Brienne's reveal. She was pregnant! Brienne was pregnant with his child - it rang loudly in his mind and he smiled wholeheartedly. He wanted to talk to her about it all, about their future. He wanted to celebrate his child with his wife...

 

His sister, Daenerys, and the whole world be damned! Jaime wanted that night of joy for himself and his... He bit his lip suddenly aware he had called Brienne his wife for the better part of the past hour. He had thought of her that way before, a mere couple of times in Winterfell, but now he could not think of her as anything else.  

 

Without second guessing his decision, Jaime went to Podrick’s room and grabbed from his desk a decanter filled with red wine. He then returned to Brienne's chamber and poured himself a glass. Removing the sheet that covered him, Jaime tried to pull up Podrick's trousers. Seeing they were too short and left his ankles exposed, Jaime took them off. He felt funny in them and he did not want to feel like that when Brienne came in. Throwing the trousers aside, Jaime retrieved his sheet and wrapped it around himself again. Maybe being naked would work in his favour. After all, discarding his clothes had done wonders before.

 

Jaime sat on the beautiful armchair not far from the bed and allowed his mind to run wild while sipping on the wine. He pictured Brienne's stomach growing rounder and rounder, he pictured himself being allowed to touch it and gloat about it. He pictured his daughter being born in his presence, at Casterly Rock. Before realising, Jaime was pouring himself a third glass of wine. What was with him and his sudden pining over Casterly Rock? Jaime grinned widely, from cheek to cheek at the thought of sparring with his daughter in the inner courtyard of his ancestral home. He pictured his daughter, tall, bulky... ugly face and yet the prettiest one he had ever seen. His daughter would be entirely Brienne, his mind decreed... except the eyes. Oh nooo, her eyes would be emerald green! The perfect Lannister green... 

 

“What are you doing here?” Brienne’s voice startled him from his daydreaming.

 

“My Lady!” Jaime said standing up, his ridiculous smile growing even wider upon seeing her face. “You told me to get a room…”

 

“And you did not realise this was occupied?” Brienne frowned.

 

“That I did realise and it’s exactly the room I want to be in.” Jaime laughed.

 

Brienne’s eyes fell on the cup he was holding: “Where did you get the wine from and how much did you have?”

 

“Podrick gave it to me... of some sorts." Jaime bit his lips at how she rolled her eyes. "I wanted us to celebrate our daughter!”

 

Brienne looked at him, annoyance more visible on her features with every passing moment. She frowned purposefully, before responding on a resolute tone: “Our son.”

 

Jaime laughed again, handing her the cup of wine: “Our daughter!”

 

“Our son! And you know I do not drink.”

 

“Our daughter! And come on, just this once, to celebrate her life.” Jaime said beaming.

 

“Our son! And absolutely not. What if alcohol hurts him?” She replied pushing his hand away.

 

“Our daughter! And why would alcohol hurt her?”

 

“Our son! And how could it not? You've seen what effects alcohol has on grown men, how could it not affect a tiny unborn babe?” Brienne frowned placing her hand on her stomach.

 

“Our daughter! And, my Lady, that is very diligent… very responsible...” He teased.

 

“Piss off…” Brienne rolled her eyes and showed him the door. Jaime wrinkled his nose and shook his head.

 

“I will not piss off… I want us to talk about our daughter and to celebrate our daughter!"

 

Brienne walked to the wardrobe and, opening it, pulled out one of her shirts and a pair of trousers. “Get dressed and piss off, before you piss me off!” She said throwing the clothes on the bed.

 

“I am good, thank you!” Jaime replied earning an angry look from her.

 

“What are you doing, Jaime!?” Brienne snarked, feeling the tension rising in her body.

 

Jaime walked towards her and Brienne took three steps back. He did not stop, but neither did she. With every step he took her way, she took one further back, until she was pressed on a wall. Despite being uncomfortably close, Jaime did not touch her. He simply stood tall, channelling his Lannister charm and keeping her entrapped between himself and the wall. “I told you... I want to celebrate our daughter.”

 

Brienne swallowed hard: “It’s a boy, Jaime!”

 

“How do you know?” He whispered leaning teasingly in.

 

“I just do!” Brienne replied closing her eyes.

 

“Just as I know that's my baby girl you're carrying!” His hand rested softly on her stomach and he caressed it with his thumb.

 

Brienne opened her eyes and looked deep into his. Her sapphire blue gaze sparkled with unshed tears and she held her breath for several long moments before whispering lowly: “Jaime…” The way she pronounced his name was so soft and familial that Jaime’s heart skipped a beat. “Jaime... are you truly _this_ happy for the child?”

 

Jaime's hand left her stomach and sought her hand instead. He grabbed her fingers tenderly and lifted them to his lips, pressing a delicate kiss on her knuckles: "Yes, my Lady... I truly am beyond happy. Words cannot do justice to what I feel... the joy, the ecstasy... I cannot think of anything else but you and that babe, despite the world being in ruins around me. I feel lost... I simply am incapable of considering too many issues at once or my mind will explode, that's how deep is the shit I am in... I want to take one step at a time and right now, right in this very moment, I care of nothing else but the happiness your news brought me! Yes, Brienne, I am happy for our child... aren't you?”

 

Brienne looked down and sighed, shaking her head slowly: “No, Jaime… how could I be?"

 

"How could you be not?" He whispered painfully.

 

"Where should I even begin... I found about the child from a clairvoyant young man, who just happens to be the boy the father of said-child had crippled for life.” Jaime swallowed at her words. “I found about the child at the same time I was entrusted with a murderous mission based on breaking all my vows… I found about the child a few days after the father of said-child had left me to go die with another woman… I am no ordinary lady, I am different, I know nothing of caring for children, I know nothing of pregnancies... You think you are lost? How about how lost I am? I am scared, Jaime... so tell me, how could I be happy about the condition I am in?”

 

“I told you the truth..." Jaime whispered. "You now know why I had to leave and yes, in the exact same conditions, I would do it again... but Brie... had I known you were with child... Impossible as that choice would have been, I would have let the child I was sure I could not save die with his mother and I would have stayed with you and the child I knew I could protect. I cannot turn back time... I cannot  change the past, I cannot change what happened to Bran, I cannot change rushing back to Cersei. What I can do is change the future. Allow me to help! You do not have to do it alone and I will not let you do it alone! I can help you with Daenerys and I will most certainly help you with our daughter..."

 

Brienne looked at him and softly shook her head: "Its a boy, Jaime..." 

 

Jaime chuckled softly and rolled his eyes: “Fine, be it your way! This one is a boy, but the next one will be my baby girl!"

 

“What are you talking about?” Brienne sighed. "Please... just move away, I feel cornered and I swear I will push you to the floor if you do not give me space to breathe."

 

Jaime moved several steps back, allowing her to step away from between him and the wall. He watched her as she walked to the table and started eating grapes to calm her nerves. He cleared his voice and called her name softly: "Brienne..." She turned around to look at him, one grape in her mouth and several in her hand. "You do know that we will get married, right?"

 

The hopeless sincerity in his voice made her burst into laughter: "Excuse me, what?"

 

Jaime looked her in the eyes and frowned: "As soon as the madness is over and I can be ‘alive’ again, we are getting married! It's how it is meant to be! How it should be! Our daugh… our son will not be a bastard! He is a Lannister! He will be called a Lannister and I will teach him how to be a good one!”

 

Brienne opened her eyes wide in shock, suddenly realising Jaime was serious about it: “You think I will marry you, after everything that happened?”

 

“I know you will marry me, in spite of everything that happened!" Jaime said resolutely. "There are rules our society works on. You are a highborn lady with a child inside you. You think I would ever accept them calling you a whore?”

 

“I do not care what they call me…”

 

“Well, I do care!" Jaime said harshly. "I will not have another child be branded as a bastard, not when I have the right to claim him as my own! So you will marry me, Brienne of Tarth!"

 

“I think the wine is speaking in your behalf, Ser Jaime…” Brienne replied politely.

 

Jaime shook his head and walked to her. He wrapped his good arm around her waist and pulled her closer. “Look me in the eyes and say you will marry me…”

 

Brienne shook her head. “No…” She whispered, looking him in the eyes. Jaime's heart pounded against her chest.

 

“I can make you say ‘yes’ you know… I can make you scream 'yes' over and over…” He leaned closer to her.

 

“Jaime, please…” Brienne whispered hoarsely. 

 

“You know…" He whispered softly, breathing in her face. "It is rather hot in here…" Brienne swallowed and tried to hold her breath not to get intoxicated in the scent of him. "Let me change your mind about our son and marriage... let me make everything better, even only for one night. You know I can make you happy..." Jaime felt his member hardening at the mere thought of pleasing her. "All I want is one damn night to be happy at the news... allow me to be happy that I have a child I can call my own! Allow me to be happy the woman I love is making me a father... I am not asking you to forgive me today, not even tomorrow, not even easily... you need your time and I respect it,  you'll forgive me in time, but give me tonight... give me the promise of a future together..." Jaime begged her with all he had. "If you love me... if you ever loved me... give us tonight."

 

Brienne swallowed and before he knew, her hand moved to his sheet, pulling it undone with two fingers and letting it fall. Jaime moaned loudly, his cock fully hardening. Brienne looked down at his member, while Jaime closed his eyes and forced himself to breathe in order to keep his composure.

 

“You seem eager…” Brienne whispered and he opened his eyes to look at him.

 

“It’s been over a month of hell and misery… eager does not do it justice, my Lady.”

 

“I am not your lad…”

 

“Yes, you are!” Jaime silenced her with a kiss, his hand tangling in her hair. “You are my Lady…” He whispered in her mouth, kissing her slowly and sensually. Jaime felt her body weakening under his touch, as she slowly melted into his kiss.

 

Jaime let his hand fall from her hair, arms wrapping around her middle. Without breaking the slow kiss, he pushed her tenderly towards the side of the bed. Jaime took a step further, and then another one, and another one until the back of Brienne’s knees were against the edge of the bed. He pressed his naked body onto hers, making her sit down. He cupped her cheek in his hand and looked at her from above, in what was one of the few moments when he was fully towering over her. He looked deep into those eyes he adored and whispered softly, in that low voice that drove her mad:

 

“I love you, Brienne of Tarth…” He leaned in and pressed his lips on hers. Jaime's tongue searched hers and they tangled in a lazy dance. His hand travelled to her shirt's laces and she helped him. Pouring his love into that slow kiss, Jaime took off her shirt and threw it on the floor. He then let himself melt to his knees, kissing her neck and left breast on his way down. His hand searched her trousers' laces, while his mouth rested on her stomach. He kissed her still unvisible bump over and over.

 

“Hey there, son…" Jaime whispered in between kisses. "I am your father… and I have upset your mother really badly…" That gained him a loud moan from Brienne and her left hand tangled painfully in his hair. "But I swear to you I will make up for it every single day of my life… because us, the Lannisters, we love paying our debts…” Brienne moaned even louder and let her upper body fall on the bed. Jaime chuckled and let his kisses fall lower on her belly and then lower still.

 

Placing her legs over his shoulders, Jaime lowered his head to her wet entrance. Brienne's back arched and she bit her lips, while crossing her legs behind him. Despite having his neck at the mercy of his lady's strong thighs, Jaime did not mind it at all. Pressing his tongue on her, he went on pleasing his wife the way he knew she loved it. He moved his tongue in circles on her clitoris, but he did it slowly and softly, thoroughly enjoying the way she seemed tortured under his touch.  _You seem eager..._ she had told him and he truly was. But Jaime wanted to make it all about her, he wanted her to feel worshipped, he wanted her to lose her senses, to lose her mind for him. He wanted her to give in, to break her walls again... to yield!

 

Jaime trailed the length of her sex with his lower lip, making her moan loudly. “I love you…” He whispered against her entrance before sticking his tongue inside. He saw Brienne clenching her fists on the covers of the bed and throwing her head back on the mattress. He did not stop until he felt her near the edge, then he moved his mouth away, kissing her inner thigh instead.

 

“When this is all over…" Jaime whispered licking her leg from her wetness and all the way to the back of her knee. "I will take you to Casterly Rock..." He pressed a kiss on her knee and slowly moved her leg off his shoulder. He turned his head to the other side and did the exact same thing, letting her other leg bend over the edge of the bed, rather than his shoulder. 

 

Jaime stood from the floor and climbed astride on top of her. Rather than going straight inside, he let his hand fall in between her legs as he leaned over to take a nipple in his mouth. "I will give you all the money in the world..." Jaime whispered while teasing her breast. "... all the money to turn Casterly Rock upside down... to make it yours!" He pressed his middle finger inside her, making her bite her lips and roll her eyes over.

 

“Why…” Brienne whispered on a hoarse voice, while his finger tormented her in a pleasant way. “… why would I ever go to Casterly Rock…”

 

Jaime took his hand away, while his mouth left her breast at the same time. On top of her, but no longer touching her, Jaime looked deep into her eyes before licking her juices off his finger. Brienne gulped and her eyes sparkled in lust. Without breaking the gaze, Jaime positioned his cock at her entrance and pushed slowly forward. Brienne closed her eyes as Jaime buried himself inside her. He then let his body heavy on top of hers, crushing her to the bed. Thrusting slowly, with sensual movements of his hips, Jaime pressed his mouth on her lips. Instead of kissing her, he whispered in her mouth:

 

“Casterly Rock is where the Lady of the Rock should be… with her lord husband and all their children…”

 

“I told you…” Brienne replied passing her tongue over his lips and licking her own scent off them: “I will not marry you…”

 

Hearing her words, Jaime gave a deep violent thrust and Brienne let out a loud moan. “You will… you will marry me…” He bit her lower lip and she laughed while he pulled at it.

 

“I will never marry you, Kingslayer…” Jaime's eyes widened at the triggering word. He gripped her thigh and forced her right leg up just enough to slam his hips deep inside her. Brienne screamed half in pleasure and half in pain. He silenced her with a kiss.

 

“Say you’ll marry me, or I will make you scream so hard that Daenerys will wake up!” He hissed against her lips, while keeping the rhythm and fierceness of his thrusts.

 

Brienne let out maddening sounds, a mixture between laughter and cries. Her blue eyes sought his, to observe his reaction as she hissed back at him: “You think you can force me into marrying you?”

 

Jaime exhaled loudly in her mouth. All of a sudden his thrusts regained their slow, sensual pace: “Yes… I know for a fact that I can force you into marrying me." Jaime pressed his lips on her, kissing her slowly and tenderly, while his body kept on slithering like that of a snake on top of her. “I can force you into marrying me… but I would never do it… not ever… I want you to want it…”

 

Brienne moaned and Jaime’s hand cupped one of her breasts. His lips travelled from hers down one cheek and then to her neck, tracing tickling trails with his tongue. "I want you to want it..." He whispered, before blowing a cold breath on the wet spots he had left on her neck. Brienne shivered, her skin covering in goosebumps right away. "I want your face to glow brighter than the stars while standing in a blue dress in the Sept of Evenfall Hall…”

 

Brienne gasped and wrapped her arms around his middle. In respons, Jaime wrapped his around her shoulders and they both pulled closer. They rolled once on the bed, Brienne ending on top for a short moment, before Jaime rolling them once more in order to reestablish his dominance.

 

“I want you to want it…” Jaime whispered again, thrusting slightly harder and deeper. “I want you to want to be mine… I want you to want my cloak of gold and red over your shoulders... I want you to want my love and protection from that day and until the end of our days…” Brienne let out a cry and Jaime felt she was there.

 

“I want you…” Jaime gasped pressing his lips on hers and kissing her sensually while her arms pulled him even closer. “I want you to…” He said again feeling how close they both were. His mouth sought her ear and took her earlobe between his lips. Synchronising his every thrust with a word as if determined to make a point, Jaime delivered a final hoarse whisper in Brienne’s ear:

 

“I… want you… ahh… to want… mhm… to want to be… called… ah…” Jaime took in a deep breath and his eyes rolled over as he gave a last deep and urgent thrust: “…Brienne Lannister!”

 

"JAIME!" Brienne came calling out his name, just as he spilt himself inside her.

 

Shaking harder than he would have wanted her to see, Jaime kissed her lips and then her forehead while whispering softly "my Lady". He rolled off her and lied beside her, staring at the ceiling. 

 

Brienne was breathing heavily in and out, unable to regain her composure for a long while. They stayed like that, naked one next to another. None of them spoke, they just allowed their bodies and souls to process it all.

 

Jaime could think of nothing else but Brienne coming at him calling her a Lannister. He felt satisfied to his very core. He felt powerful, triumphant... and then she spoke:

 

“Leave…” Brienne whispered and Jaime’s heart stopped. He turned his head towards her in a painfully slow motion, but he found her looking at the ceiling. “Leave my room…” She repeated. 

 

“Brienne…” Jaime begged.

 

“Leave my sight...” Brienne repeated a third time, on a rather more bitter tone. Jaime felt his world falling apart as Cersei’s words left Brienne’s mouth.

 

He jolted off the bed as burnt, utterly convinced he could not take her rejection a fourth time. His body felt uncoordinated, softer and more trembling than that of a jellyfish. He dared not look at his chest for he feared his heart might be physically bleeding.

 

Cersei used to always throw him out. They hardly ever woke up together and he learnt to be fine with it, for the situation was of such nature he had no rights over the woman he loved.

 

But Brienne... 

 

Brienne had never done it. Brienne allowed him to stay. Brienne allowed him to wrap his arms around her. Brienne allowed him to rest his head on her chest. Brienne allowed him to be hers... and Jaime had stayed with her through the night in every single night they had together. Every single night, except one - the night he left her to return to Cersei. 

 

Jaime took the clothes she had thrown for him and put them on as fast as he could. He did not dare to look at her, struggling hard to fight back his tears. Grabbing the wine decanter, Jaime left Brienne's chamber slamming the door behind him.

 

With his heart heavy in self-hatred and anger, he rushed upstairs and entered the Lord Commander’s apartment without bothering to knock. Podrick looked at him in surprise. Cersei was asleep and he was injecting her yet another vial of medication. Jaime did not spare the pair another look. He just walked to the desk to leave the wine there, but not before pouring himself a cup. He then went to the chest at the foot of the bed and opened it. Grabbing from inside the small sachet, Jaime took out the Essence of Nightshade. He poured four drops in his wine and drank it in one go.

 

“What happened…” Podrick asked rather softly.

 

Jaime poured himself another cup of plain wine and drank it down. “I screwed it all up… that’s what happened…” He poured himself another cup and downed it as well.

 

“Yes, you screwed it all up!" Podrick nodded. "But will getting drugged down and drunk make you feel any better?”

 

“It worked for my despicable siblings their entire lives… I think I will give it a try!” Jaime turned on his heels and left the room slamming yet another door.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Breathes in, breathes out... waits for your opinions... x_x


	13. Far away from Jaime's eyes and ears - Brienne I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story will remain primarily a Jaime PoV.
> 
> However, if we want to have any meaningful, untampered with interaction between our lead ladies, Jaime needs to be away sometimes. Luckily for us, right now he is on a cocktail of alcohol and Essence of Nightshade so *spoiler alert* here's a first Brienne and Cersei heart to heart.
> 
> More to follow down the road. All these chapters will be named the same and the PoV will be indicated the GRRM way.
> 
> So nervous about this chapter. Cannot wait for you all to read it. Xx

As the door slammed behind Jaime, Brienne had to bite her lips to muffle her sobs. The tears she had tried to hold in while regaining her composure now leaked out in ripples from the corners of her eyes, trailing towards her ears, down her neck following the base of her hairline and onto the sheets.

 

She wanted Jaime there with all her heart. She wanted to fall asleep in his arms. She wanted his kisses on her forehead, on her shoulder as she drifted in a dreamless slumber. She wanted Jaime there. Her very soul ached for his after-touch, her skin cried for it. She had never, not once, lied with him and then be deprived by the delightful comfort of having him near her.

 

Trying to swallow her tears and calm her sobs, Brienne regretted giving in. She should have never done it. She knew it would be a grave mistake from the very second she let his sheet fall on the floor. She shouldn’t have succumbed to that dark temptation – not the temptation of being fucked, although it played a part as well for she had acquired a rather disturbing taste for it, but an even worse temptation – that of testing him. Seeing Jaime in her room, waiting for her, while daydreaming of their child, the way he looked at her, the way he moved, the things he’d said… she could not resist seeing how far would he go with it. She could not resist the temptation of testing whether Jaime Lannister would truly beg his way in Brienne the Beauty’s bed, while his much revered Queen Cersei was awake a mere floor above their chamber.

 

It was petty of her – truly petty and oddly uncharacteristic… and that is why she now had to bear the consequences of her actions.

 

She felt as empty… as empty and cold as her bed.

 

Lying on her bed, naked and facing the ceiling, Brienne felt more heartbroken than on the night he had left.

 

She wanted him. She wanted Jaime. She wanted what he had promised her. She wanted that life. She wanted to be his wife. She wanted to give him sons and daughters. She wanted to be the Lady of Casterly Rock! She wanted to erase the past! She wanted to embrace the future. She wanted it. She wanted it all.

 

Brienne covered her mouth with both her hands, as biting her lips was no longer enough for keeping the ugly crying in.

 

Everything he had said in the bathtub, everything he had said in the bed, it all spun inside her head. She wanted to believe his words. She wanted to believe him. She wanted to trust him. She wanted to forgive him!

 

But she could not. Some things were hard to overcome. Despite knowing he had to go back to his sister and their child, despite knowing she would have done the same in his stead, despite knowing it was the dutiful thing to do… despite understanding it, despite her mind accepting his actions, her heart could not.

 

She loved Jaime and Jaime loved her. Brienne believed that, was sure of it in fact, for she had felt his love with every nerve of her body while he made her his again. But they could never turn back to what they were in Winterfell.

 

For one, her personal life was not a priority. Alas, throughout her live she had never been her own priority and that was not about to change for a man. The life growing inside her was not her priority either. She was a knight! She was a fighter! She belonged to the Realm. She had vowed to protect all innocent and could not limit herself to protecting one single child. The wars were not over. The future looked grim. Her mission might very well kill her. She could not afford loving her child. She could not afford another weakness. The one she already had was consuming her to dangerous degrees.

 

Jaime Lannister. She had cumbered her task for him. She had complicated the whole plot for him. She had put the fate of the Seven Kingdoms at risk for his life! She loved him so much it made her weak. He hurt her so much he made her weak. He was a debilitating weakness in the best of days, while in the worst of days he was her living hell.

 

The past weeks had been made entirely of worst days.

 

On top of it all, the attitude Jaime had towards her since his rescue was yet another uncomfortable issue. He was a desperate caged lion with no vision of his future, which made his actions hectic and his reactions unreliable. Wanting to make things better and not knowing how only meant he was bound to make everything worse. Brienne knew Jaime well – at least reasonably well. He was uncalculated, he acted out of passions and impulses, the concept of consequences always far from his mind. His tongue was as sharp as his sister’s claws and as his brother’s wits. His tongue saved her more than once, but his tongue also left him with one hand. He did not know when to stop pushing his luck. When he wanted to act his Lannister self, he did so viciously.

 

And viciously was how he sought to make amends to her now. Jaime had always been aware he had a certain power over her. When they met, his superiority sprang out of his social status and notoriety. Then it became rooted in how deeply indebted his various rescuing have left her. Then it was the love she felt. Ever since she had first laid her eyes on him, Jaime had the upper hand in their interactions. Jaime read her facial features and knew how to get inside her head in order to get what he wanted. He did it instinctively and unconsciously most of the times, but every so often he did it on purpose.

 

Brienne looked at the ceiling and wiped away her tears. Seducing her while wrapped in a sheet was doing it on purpose. Jaime chose to use her weaknesses against her. He chose to play on her deepest desires, he chose to stir her wildest dreams and wishes, yet he did not do so just to get her back into his bed. He did it to get her back into his life, and that was infinitely worse. The power of manipulation – that singularly most distinctive Lannister trait, which ran in their veins like blood. That is how Jaime Lannister considered it appropriate to talk about their future, about marriage. And what would come of her if she allowed him to go on acting like he owned her?

 

She had fought her entire life for her own place in the sun. She had fought her entire life for her right to be a swordswoman in a men’s world. She had fought her entire life to be acknowledged as a knight and not defined by her gender. Jaime respected her for that. Jaime fell in love with her for that… and yet he now chose to use her sex, the child growing inside her and his masculinity to bend her to his will.

 

She wanted him. She wanted Jaime. She wanted what he had promised her. She wanted that life. She wanted to be his wife. She wanted to give him sons and daughters. She wanted to be the Lady of Casterly Rock! She wanted to erase the past! She wanted to embrace the future. She wanted it. She wanted it all… but not like that.

 

And not while dragons still roamed the skies… not while mad queens still roamed their castles… not like that… her eyelids felt heavier and heavier. Before long, Brienne fell asleep sideways on the bed, naked as her nameday.

 

When the sunrise woke her up, she could feel the cold deeply clawing at her bones. Covered in her nightgown, yet shivering with all she had, Brienne made her way to the bathhouse. She prepared her hot water in silence, trying to keep all thoughts of the previous night away from her. She focused on cleaning her body and thought of the day ahead. Whenever Jaime came to her mind, she willed him away. Returning to her room, Brienne got dressed and armoured. She took in a deep breath and climbed the stairs to face her royal prisoner.

 

Reaching the dreaded door, Brienne steadied her feet. She closed her eyes and counted to ten, before knocking softly on the door to indicate her presence and entering the Lord Commander’s apartment without waiting for a formal invite.

 

Cersei was wide-awake in her bed, sitting upright and resting her back on a multitude of pillows. A tray with half-eaten breakfast was on the bed beside her and she sipped from a steaming cup of herbal brews. Podrick stood by her, chin up and back straightened, as if a knight in her Queensguard. Brienne’s eyes locked into his and she needed no more than a heartbeat to realise he had been through a difficult night.

 

“Leave us.” Cersei commanded the squire with regal authority. Podrick gulped and looked to Brienne, utterly terrified and unsure of how to act. Brienne gave him a reassuring nod.

 

“Thank you, Podrick.” She said softly. “Could you please find out my duties for the day and…” Brienne looked towards Cersei, reminding herself she had to guard her words. “…and unless _she_ needs me in particular, subtly divide my duties to the team and cover for me.”

 

“Absolutely, Ser!” Podrick nodded. He looked towards Cersei and bowed his head adding a whispered “your Grace” before rushing from the room as if happy he was still alive.

 

“Oh… we are a knight now, aren’t we, Lady Brienne?” Cersei asked bitterly, tilting her head to the side to look more intimidating.

 

“Yes, your Grace.” Brienne replied and walked towards the Lord Commander’s desk. Naively, she prayed she would be able to guard Cersei and read at the same time, maintaining a low profile and hopelessly hoping no trouble would be stirred. She did not even get to reach her desk and trouble was already stirred. 

 

“What do you think you are doing?” Cersei asked frowning. “Are you going to sit in my presence?” She hissed. “I gather you are not my Queensguard, but what sort of knight are you? What sort of highborn Lady? Were you raised in a barn? Have you no manners? Did I give you permission to sit?”

 

Brienne stopped her tracks and took in a deep breath before turning around to look at Cersei: “I did not think…” Brienne began on as a steady voice as she could muster. “...that I needed permission to sit in my own chambers, your Grace.”

 

“Are you not a guard? A guard should stand while guarding! I am told I am your prisoner, Lady Bri…” Cersei wrinkled her nose. “You know what, I might actually accept that Ser thing… you are an awfully large cow for a woman. Calling you a Lady does not have the right ring to it, now does it?”

 

“You can call me whatever you want, your Grace.” Brienne replied trying hard not to clench her teeth. In the back of her mind, the knight knew she had to establish her superiority. Cersei was but a prisoner and had no right to behave the way she did. Unfortunately, Brienne was painfully aware she had not ‘been raised in a barn’. In fact, she had been too properly raised to antagonise someone like Cersei. House Lannister was so much above House Tarth in the social hierarchy – that made Brienne inferior to Cersei. Queenship was so much above knighthood in terms of status – that made Brienne inferior to Cersei. And to be honest with herself, even at a deep personal level, Brienne felt terribly inferior to Cersei.

 

“Oh, can I?” Cersei snarled cutting her trail of thoughts. “Well, my informers in the North sent word to me that you are going by _Kingslayer’s whore_ these days. Shall I call you that?” Cersei’s green eyes pierced the blue of hers and Brienne immediately lowered her head, unable to hold the gaze for more than a split second.

 

“No, your Grace, you shan’t…” Brienne whispered. _For I am not calling you that either_ , she wished she were brave enough to add. But alas, her weapons of choice were the swords, not the words. Had she been blessed with the ability of employing mean words, she would have not spent most of her life suffering at the insults of others.

 

“Why not?” Cersei hissed sharply. “Is it untrue? Are you denying fucking my brother?”

 

Brienne swallowed and closed her eyes. She tried to picture their verbal exchange as a duel. Cersei had just swung her sword, cutting her deep, below the belt. Her guts were spilling out and she was bleeding to her grave. If she wanted to survive, she had to put up a better fight. Brienne opened her eyes and straightened her back.

 

“I do not deny it, your Grace. While in Winterfell, I did have a liason with...” In her mind's eye, Brienne gripped Oathkeeper tightly and leaped forward hitting hard. “Jaime", she said the name as softly and personal as she could.

 

Cersei could hardly conceal her nausea at Brienne’s overt confession. Her features hardened, her eyes goggled and she showed her teeth threateningly. Brienne had to stand firm on her feet to prevent herself from taking two steps back. All of a sudden, she felt terrified and regretted poking the lioness.

 

“So let me get it straight – you fuck my brother, but keep me a prisoner. How valiant, _Ser_!”

 

“You are Lady Sansa’s prisoner, your Grace.” Brienne replied politely.

 

“Lies!” Cersei hissed through clenched teeth. “Your precious Sansa has no idea I am alive! No one, except your squire and my brother, has any idea I am alive! No one asked you to capture me! No one asked you to save me! I am _your_ prisoner, own it, for I know you enjoy it! You are nothing but a treacherous whore who acted of her own accord!”

 

Brienne opened her mouth to say something but Cersei silenced her by threateningly pointing a finger in her direction. “You will speak when I allow you to speak! You think so highly of yourself with your strong body able to swing a sword, with your fancy title no other woman ever held… your greaaaat warfare experience! Get off your high horse, you delusional cunt! You are not the Warrior people bow and pray to! You are nothing special! You are nothing but sack of dirt who possesses even less brain than my idiot brother! I do not know what you were asked to do, or by whom, and I do not care. One thing stands in spite of any other details – you have betrayed your camp! You fucked it all up the moment you chose to let me live!”

 

Her heart started pounding so hard, Brienne was afraid her armour would not hold the pressure. Her heart – the source of all her problems – was the only muscle in her body that seemed still able to move. Everything else was paralysed. Given her looks and character, Brienne was well used to being targeted, offended, and verbally abused. Yet nothing she had experienced until that moment could match the intensity of Cersei’s outlash. It was not that much what Cersei said. It was mostly how she said it that hit Brienne with the full strength of the wildest tempest the Stormlands had ever seen. Despite not having been much loved in her life, Brienne had surely never been hated! Now she was to a degree she had never thought possible. The fury of Cersei’s hatred, the strength, the deepness, the pureness of it made Brienne feel suffocated.

 

“Never again forget who you are and who I am! Never dare to sit down in my presence again! Never dare to speak to me without permission again! Never dare as much as breathe too loudly around me! Never forget your worthlessness! And especially, never forget that everything you hold dear in your miserable life was lent to you by a Lannister! You have your squire from Tyrion! You have your sword from Jaime! And you have the cock that keeps you warm at night from me!”

 

Brienne needed all her strength to prevent herself from bursting into tears. 

 

“Have you ever heard a Lannister bragging about debts? You sure had… for no Westerosi soul could have missed one of mine swearing any debt would be paid in full! How great do you assume your debt towards me is? What exactly do you think I will do to you for the audacity of fucking _my_ man?” Cersei spit venomously, while throwing the cup she was holding straight at Brienne. The hot liquid twirled in the air and spilt all the way from the bed towards the centre of the room. Brienne’s unfailing instincts made her move sideways and the cup crashed on the edge of the desk, shattering to pieces.

 

“That is how you will end up when I am done with you!” Cersei threatened pointing to the former cup.

 

“I…” Brienne whispered. _As soon as the madness is over… we are getting married. Look me in the eyes and say you will marry me… You are my Lady… I love you Brienne of Tarth... the Lady of Casterly Rock… Brienne Lannister._ Jaime’s words filled her mind. His touches from the previous night made her skin tingle and soothed her soul, setting it alight.

 

Cersei was wrong! The Lannisters did not “lend” her anything! Tyrion asked her to take care of Podrick! Jaime gifted her the sword… and the armour, but his sister seemed not to know that detail. As for the cock that kept her warm at night – Brienne’s eyes narrowed in fury as she looked at her rival – she did not borrow it from Cersei, she took it from Cersei! And she intended to keep it – now more so than ever! 

 

Brienne turned around and walked to the Lord Commander’s desk. She pulled the chair just enough to sit down. Looking at Cersei defiantly, she placed her arms on the desk, bringing her palms together and crossing her fingers in order to strengthen her stance.

 

“I do not believe your Grace is in the position of making threats! You are my prisoner, not I yours!” Brienne underlined keeping her tone even, falsely polite.

 

Cersei seemed to start trembling in anger and her voice shook like a poorly handled crossbow when she spoke: “If I stand up from this bed and put my claws on you, I will rip you apart!”

 

“If you stand up from that bed and as much as walk in my direction, I’ll need less than a heartbeat to knock you unconscious again… _your Grace_!”

 

Cersei laughed sending a shiver down Brienne’s spine: “Oh, so you do know how to fight back! Mildly impressed... I have to admit I see why my brother got distracted by you. You do have certain things in common to foster the attraction… for example, you are both at the mercy of your weaknesses!" Cersei gave her a scornful smile. "Your weakness is Jaime! Jaime’s weakness is me! That puts you in a very uncomfortable position. Hurting me would be hurting him! You may have found your tongue to send a threat my way, but you would never deliver on it! You had the chance to let me die, but you nursed me back to life! WEAK!” Cersei looked in Brienne’s eyes. They started at each other until Cersei smiled an evil smirk.

 

“Weak and stupid!” Cersei tilted her head and looked at her with an inquiring frown. “Do you even realise what you have done?”

 

“I do…” Brienne nodded with a sigh.

 

“Do you, really? Do you realise the shit you have stirred for Jaime? Because he sure does not! Jaime is too stupid, too simple! He understands neither women, nor politics, nor strategy! But I do understand all three! So let me spell out the situation for you. Jaime is not important for anyone, but you! Saving him causes no problems for anyone, not even you! I am the real issue! I am the prisoner of value! I am the person that matters, for I am important to everyone! Who's side are you on? It does not really matter, does it? You fight for the dragon bitch? She wants me dead! You fight for the wolf bitch? She wants me dead! Everyone wants me dead! But you saved me! You put your stupid head on the line for a man. You’ve complicated your existence for a man... a rather unworthy one, I must add."

 

Brinne let her head down and stared at her hands. She could not say anything, for she knew Cersei was right. Saving the man she loved was not part of Bran’s mission and the Gods had punished her for her betrayal. Cersei was the punishment… too cruel a punishment for a comparatively minor crime.

 

“You have only two options with me.” Cersei said reaching for the grapes on her breakfast tray. “Killing me is not of them. You do not have it in you. I mean, you could not even let me die when it was so easy to do it and blame it on fate…” Cersei shook her head and pressed her lips together, grimacing in disappointment and disapproval.

 

“Your two options, as you should know if you are smart enough, are keeping me here or shipping me away. There is a bit of a logistical complication with the first option... for you have betrayed people and people cannot know what you have done..." Cersei took a breathing break from her patronising speech in order to bare her sharp teeth at her 'pupil'. "There is only one place you can ship me to, only one place where you have a faint chance at discretion and loyalty – Tarth! Tarth is lovely… or so my many informers tell me. I keep loyal pets everywhere, you know… It will take only one pair of wrong eyes, one whisper, and everyone will know I am alive. Particularly that dragon bitch... and when she does Tarth will burn! FIRE AND BLOOD!”

 

Brienne stood up in a heartbeat, hand gripping at Oathkeeper. She was breathing heavily staring at Cersei. The fact that the former Queen knew so thoroughly the dilemmas that tortured Brienne was horrifying. The knight felt exposed, in danger, under open attack. Cersei looked at her panicked face and just burst into laughter.

 

“This!!! Exactly this reaction is what brings me to your second option – keeping me here. Infinitely safer, for a while, but if you do…” Cersei removed the cover from her legs and slowly stood up from bed. Walking like a feline towards her pray, she stopped only when she reached the desk.

 

Her green eyes burned like wildfire. 

 

“If you do keep me here, Brienne of Tarth, I will make your life a living hell! I will make you lose your mind until you either kill me, or you kill yourself!" Cersei vowed.

 

"I have lost everything. I have nothing… nothing left to lose!” Cersei looked into her eyes and smiled like mad. “Do you understand how dangerous that makes me?”

 

Brienne swallowed hard, her brain too paralysed to come up with a reply. Looking at Cersei’s face she saw Daenerys.

 

“I will tear Westeros to pieces before I die! I will turn everyone against everyone! I will set the world ablaze!” She threatened. “I have nothing… nothing left to lose... ahhh...” Cersei’s upper body thrust forward and she had to place a hand on the desk to keep herself from falling. Her shaking left hand moved to her stomach.

 

Brienne’s mouth opened slightly and her eyes followed Cersei’s hand. Time seemed to have stopped and none of them dared to breathe. Brienne turned her eyes to Cersei’s face just in time to witness the dark magic shattering! Cersei’s features softened and her emerald eyes were reduced to tears. Her teeth were shaking in disbelief and she barely drew in a strong breath before falling to her knees. Cersei burst into tears, loud sobs mixed with chuckles of relief. She wrapped her stomach tightly with both her arms and hugged it for dear life.

 

Just like that… a kick and ‘nothing to lose’ became ‘everything to lose’.

 

Weakness. They all had one.

 

Brienne looked at Cersei and her heart began skipping beats. A dreadful creature that woman was, capable of such hatred Brienne had never known to exist. She was vile and crude and cruel. She was mad and dangerous. And despite it, in that very moment, Cersei looked more vulnerable than the child still living inside her.

 

On her knees on the floor, Cersei cried with no inhibition. All thoughts of Brienne, of their discussion, of setting the world ablaze were gone from her mind! Nothing mattered, but the fact her last child was still alive.

 

Involuntarily, Brienne’s hand moved to her own stomach. Her eyes filled with tears and she had to bite her lips to keep them in. Two of them escaped and rolled down her cheeks – one from each eye. A soft smile curved her lips and a tingle warmed her heart.

 

“My baby… my sweet baby…” Cersei whispered in heart-breaking relief.

 

 _My baby… My sweet baby…_ Her mind echoed.

 

And just like that, Cersei Lannister of all people made Brienne fall in love with the life growing inside her.  


	14. Stay with me...

Jaime opened his eyes and moaned miserably. He could not keep them opened for more than a moment. His head felt severed in two by a sharp pain. Lying on his stomach, he buried his face in the pillow and screamed whole-heartedly. Muffled by the feathers, his release came out as little more than a grunt.

 

Saying he felt miserable did not do his situation any justice. He felt like dying! His muscles were stiff; his instincts seemed inexistent; his brain felt numb. Jaime rolled to his back and growled in pain. Everything hurt – every single part of his body, but his head more so than anything else did!

 

“Brieee...” Jaime lamented like a poorly feeling child calling out for his mother. He pressed his hand hard on his forehead, naively hoping the pressure of his palm would somehow force the blood running through in his brain to stop pulsating like there was no tomorrow.

 

What had he done to himself? - he wondered in disbelief.

 

“Arghh…” Jaime groaned pathetically, letting his palm fall from his head and onto the sheets. “Brieee…” He cried for her again, for it soothed him to call out her name.

 

Everything hurt! He had been through duels and battles, he had lost a hand and yet he had never felt as thoroughly miserable as in that… morning? evening? night? Jaime had no idea how much time had passed since the alcohol and Essence of Nightshade took him.

 

“Fuck me…” He cursed rolling back on his stomach. He growled and buried his face in the pillow. How could there be people who drank that much on a regular basis? Jaime had never been one to abuse alcohol. He did enjoy an occasional drink, he did not shy from it as Brienne did, but he had never abused it before. For one, drinking was improper for a knight – and Jaime had been a knight since the tender age of fifteen. Being a drunkard was even less proper for a member of the Kingsguard, which Jaime had been since sixteen. More than that, as he was always committed to the woman he loved, Jaime had never whored. Thus, he had never indulged in the abusive alcohol consumption of brothels. And so it turned that he was tortured by his first horrible hangover way past his 45th nameday… and what torture his hangover was!

 

“Brieee…” Jaime moaned again. He avoided thinking of the previous night, of the very reason why he was in that poor state to begin with. Jaime just wanted to think of her, for she felt like a medicine that could cure the misery he was in.

 

Sighing heavily, Jaime wondered whether his head would explode if he moved again. He rolled on his bed to test his luck. To his surprise, his skull did not explode, but it felt close to it. Jaime struggled to open his eyes and look at the ceiling. He thought of Brienne walking in and nursing him back to health, as tenderly and as carefully as she had done for his sister… Jaime moaned painfully – no! More tenderly and more carefully than she had done for his sister!

 

“Brie… please… come to me… argh…” He growled again, indulging in acting like a child for there was no one to witnesses to his weakness. “Brieeee…” He cried on his low hoarse voice. “Brieeeee…”

 

“For heavens’ sake… just shut up!” Brienne hissed. “You and your sister should have been properly belted as children! I have never met bigger cunts than the pair of you in my entire life…”

 

Startled, Jaime stood upright as burnt.

 

“Aaaauuuuuu… aaaaau… aaaaaaaaaaaa…” He let himself fall back on the pillows as fast as he attempted to get in a sitting position. He covered his head with both his arms and growled like a wounded animal. “Why are you here?”

 

“To check whether your drugged ass would wake up! What were you thinking doing what you’ve done?” Brienne asked accusatively.

 

Without letting go of his head and keeping his eyes squeezed shut, Jaime tried to figure out where in the room she was. Her voice seemed to come from near the fireplace, quite a few meters away from him.

 

“I wasn’t thinking…” He growled as a response to her question. His sudden movement upon hearing her voice had made the pain utterly unbearable. He was on the verge of breaking into tears. He felt like cutting off his head and throwing it from the window - for only that could calm the throbbing pain. “How mad are you?”

 

“Mad? I am bloody furious, Jaime!” Brienne said in such a calm manner that made him gulp. Shivers went down his spine at the thought he had made Brienne so angry she was way past the raging phase.

 

“Honestly, I have no idea what is wrong with you… Your behaviour is deplorable and now you can no longer blame it on thirst or hunger or sleep deprivation! You have no self-control! I have taken you for many things along the years, but never before for an immature man! You make me question everything I ever thought about you…” She continued as calmly as before. “I see you and you’re a huge disappointment.”

 

“I am sorry..." Jaime whispered looking her way. She was sitting in the armchair, by the fire, staring at him with such a stern expression on her face that reminded Jaime of his father. The way Brienne’s eyes narrowed and her lips thinned - just like Tywin’s when he was about to lash out against his children - made Jaime realise he had said the wrong thing even before she replied.

 

“You are sorry?” Brienne repeated on a low voice. “How can you even dare to say something like that? What value do you think your words have to me?” She hissed in disappointment and he felt like dying of shame. “Your sister is right, you know? You truly have no understanding of how much your life costs me every given moment! You have no appreciation of how much I am risking for you!”

 

“My sister...” Jaime whispered, his heart skipping beats. “You've talked to my sister?”

 

“That’s what you pick up from what I just said?” Brienne shook her head in annoyance.

 

“Were you alone with Cersei?” Jaime asked feeling the panic rising in his chest.

 

“Of course I was! You have been out for almost a full day! What did you expect?” Brienne replied, this time raising her voice to match the full intensity of her anger. “Someone has to guard her day and night! You keep on claiming you want to help me, but the one thing I asked you to do, you already failed to do for a whole day and a whole night! I do not need you to play games with me! I do not need you to meddle with the plan! I need you to do one thing – guard your damn sister!”

 

Jaime swallowed hard and could barely find his voice to whisper: “I will… I will… I promise…”

 

Brienne sighed heavily and shook her head. “I curse that first night in Winterfell with everything I have! I should have never opened my door for you… I should have never let you in… let you near me…”

 

Her words made Jaime jolt from the bed and leap towards her. The pressure he felt in his skull at the sudden movement made him fall off his feet. Brienne did not even flinch, if anything she only rolled her eyes in disapproval. On his knees, Jaime dragged himself to her. He placed his arm and his stump on her legs and looked at her with begging eyes.

 

“Don’t say that… please, please… please never say that!” He let his head rest on her knees, while still keeping his arms on her lap. “I am sorry... I truly am... and you are right to be furious... but please... please have mercy! I cannot cope with everything that’s happened in the past days…”

 

“What about me, Jaime? Who is showing me any mercy? How am I to cope with everything?” Brienne drew in a deep breath and when she spoke her voice betrayed the tears in her eyes. “I gave you everything I had long ceased dreaming a man would want from someone like me… I took my armours off for you! I trusted you like I trust only my battle instincts! I vowed and vouched for you… and you let me down! You betrayed me! You left me… and your reasons, however strong, be damned! They do not change the fact that you left me in pieces… that you broke my heart!”

 

Jaime lifted his head to look at her. His tearful green eyes met hers. She held his gaze for a short while then she closed her eyes and bit her lips to repress a sob.

 

"Look at you..." She cried squeezing her eyes shut. A string of salty pearls fell down her cheeks. "Are you not ashamed of yourself at all? I went over myself to save your life and you go and drink yourself to death as if what I have done for you matters not!"

 

"Brienne..." Jaime wanted her to stop.

 

"Jaime, I love you, but…” Brienne whispered painfully.

 

Jaime looked at her petrified and let out a loud cry. A loud 'no' engulfed his mind over and over again. Despite knowing it was how she felt about him, Brienne had never voiced it before. It broke Jaime to his core to hear her saying it while she cried because of him, while she was overwhelmed with disappointment and regret.

 

"Don't..." He begged. 

 

“I want to forgive you… but I cannot...” She cried, covering her face with both palms. “I simply cannot overcome what you have done… and your behaviour is only making matters worse...”

 

Jaime let his head back on her knees, muffling his own cries. They stayed like that for long moments. The physical pain he felt being only intensified by the heartbreaking realisation his actions had left them both broken. They loved each other and they were finally able to admit it. Yet instead of being happy because of it, their love only made them miserable. Despite being together, despite needing each other to mend their broken souls, their souls felt thousands of miles apart. Brienne was there and he was touching her, he had made her his again, and yet he could not reach her. As they cried together, Brienne let one of her hands fall softly on his head, while her fingers tangled in his hair. She played with his golden turned grey locks until their cries turned to sighs and their sighs to heavy silence.

 

They could not bear it for long.

 

“I need to go…” Brienne whispered taking her hand from Jaime’s hair. He lifted his head to look at her. His green eyes were begging her to stay. “Your sister does not want to see you, she is really adamant about it... but I am afraid it is not really up to her. I will give you tonight to recover… but from tomorrow, you will be in charge of her most of the time. Daenerys cannot know something is wrong! I cannot keep on disappearing and Podrick has his own duties to attend to... too much is at stake and your sister cannot ruin it...”

 

Jaime nodded. “I will take care of her. I swear to you! Cersei will not be a source of concern! I will make sure of it… but please...”

 

Brienne stood from the armchair and wanted to walk towards the door, when he promptly reached for her and caught one of her hands.

 

“Stay…” He begged on his knees in front of her. Jaime knew it was not only him! He knew she was just as lonely and as hurt. They were both in such desperate need of each other, of the comfort, the calm, the strength they felt in the other's embrace. It mattered not how hard they tried, they could not find healing any other way than in each other's arms.

 

"No..." Brienne whispered, slowly removing her hand from his grip. The moment he saw her reaching for the doorknob, desperation overtook Jaime.

 

“Brienne…” He called out on a weak voice. “Stay here…” He begged pitifully, prompting her to stop short from opening the door. “Stay with me…” Jaime implored, his voice breaking once again. “Please… stay…” He cried just as Brienne let out a sob, resting her forehead on the door to keep herself from falling as the memories of the night he left flooded her mind.

 

“Like you stayed when I begged you?” She whispered unable to turn around.

 

“Please stay... I need you... I will die of pain if you leave right now…” He whispered.

 

“Oh, Jaime..." She sighed sadly. "If I lived… you will live too…” Her hand twisted the doorknob.

 

"Brienne..." He begged once more, but she had already opened the door.

 

"I am sorry... I just cannot..." She cried closing the door behind her.

 

Jaime grabbed his head in his arms and growled in pain. He leaned forward until his forehead touched the ground. As he succumbed to his agony, he lost track of time. Late in the dead of the night, he forced himself back to bed.

 

The following morning, Jaime went to Cersei’s room in order to relieve Podrick from his guarding duties. His sister protested loudly at being left alone with him, but other than throwing a proper tantrum fit, there was little she could do. Podrick locked the two of them in the room and soon everything fell into a dire routine.

 

Seeing she had no choice but spend her days with Jaime, Cersei settled to ignore him. In the beginning, Jaime tried hard to speak to her. He approached her in all manners he could think of, switching between concern and anger, pleas and accusations, affection and malice. By the third day, Jaime realised his attempts were hopeless. Cersei behaved as if she were alone in the room and he could not trigger any reaction from her. With every passing hour, her behaviour made him feel more and more miserable. Sometimes guilt engulfed him, other times he simple felt worthless. Despite trying to tell himself that all Cersei wanted was to punish him, as she had done many before, Jaime struggled to cope with her attitude. He would have preferred her venom a million times over her silence. But Cersei knew him well! Her venom would have kept Jaime going, her venom would have made him release his own anger towards her. Her venom would have been a gift! Treating him as if his presence made no difference to her was the opposite! Prying on his insecurities, on that deeply rooted feeling that he did not matter to anyone, not even to her - that she would carry on just the same whether he was alive or dead - that was what would truly damage Jaime.   

 

Despite knowing her reasoning, spending his days as nothing but a phantom in Cersei’s presence drained the life out of him. He slowly succumbed to the darkest corner of his mind, while his soul slipped in desperate solitude.

 

At night, Cersei was guarded by either Podrick or Brienne, as the two took turns in keeping their cumbersome prisoner in check. Whenever Podrick was on duty, Jaime would not even see Brienne for over a full day. Ironically, it was even worse when she came to replace him on guard. She treated him distantly, always maintaining her polite knightly attitude. Unlike Cersei, Brienne did not ignore him, but she avoided him - which overall made little difference.

 

Two weeks of misery passed in slow motion and Jaime felt more depressed by the day. Just as it had been the case when he lost his hand, Jaime saw little point in being alive. Seldom a day passed without him wishing Robb Stark had killed him when he had the chance.

 

Sitting in his armchair after a long day of being ignored by his sister, Jaime stared deeply into the fire. He had cried himself to sleep for a number of nights, but he was long past that point. He no longer had the energy to tear up.

 

The fire danced in front of him and he could hear Aerys screaming in the back of his mind.

 

_Burn them all… Burn them all!_

 

His life had been nothing but a series of miserable events. From when he was a child he had been at the mercy of his feelings. Obey Father! Take care of Cersei! Protect Tyrion! Do not disappoint Father! Do not upset Cersei! And still somehow protect Tyrion! He had been the link between the three of them and they each expected too much of him at the same time! None of them cared about what he wanted or what he felt. His feelings had always drowned him, yet he never dared to voice them. He was too craven for that. His father and Cersei would have frowned at his weakness, his brother would have laughed. He kept everything down until he was no longer able to understand his emotion...

 

The only moments he felt truly liberated was when swinging a sword! And that he did with such a passion he became a prolific swordsman... a boy knight! All he ever wanted was to find a path to fit in...   

 

He never asked for a notorious reputation... and yet he got one for the misdeed of doing the right thing!

 

He never asked to love his own sister the way he did… He never chose to do it! He fell for her because she was all he had. He fell for her because she was a terrified little girl who needed love and protection more than anyone would ever know! He fell for her because they were lonely children. With their mother gone, there was no one left to love them. If they did not love each other, no one would! He did not choose to love her… their lives were of such nature he simply had to love her!

 

And he did love her with all he had until he once again had no choice!

 

He never asked to fall for another! He simply could not help himself! Brienne's innocence and her moral purity were addictive! Her strength and determination made his blood flow faster. He fell for Brienne in spite of everything and without even realising it. One day she was nothing to him and he would have gladly killed her for Cersei… and then all of a sudden she was everything to him and, if pushed too far, he would kill Cersei for her…

 

He had not brought his misery on himself... his life had been marked for it!

 

He could no longer carry on like that! All he wanted was one chance at starting over, a chance to be a good brother, a good husband... yet neither Cersei nor Brienne seemed inclined to give him that much. The love he felt for the other betrayed them both and left him completely alone...

 

All hope was lost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think? Did Jaime "bring on himself" the difficult situation he is in? Should he be punished by both women for his split feelings?
> 
> Also... I sneakily used my ultimate favourite reaction of Gwendoline to one of Nikolaj-being-Nikolaj remarks. Did anyone spot it? 10 points to Slytherin for whoever finds it first!


	15. Far away from Jaime's eyes and ears - Cersei I

Twenty days…

 

Twenty days had passed since the loss of her throne. Twenty days – out of which she spent nearly four entrapped in a dragon skull, two slumbering unconscious and one day over two weeks as Brienne of Tarth’s prisoner in the White Sword Tower.

 

Cersei rolled on her back and then, very slowly, on her other side. She could not sleep and yet she lacked the will and energy to stay awake.

 

Even for someone as strong-willed as herself, maintaining reasonably good spirits in the given circumstances was a real challenge. She tried to keep herself going by driving her three guards out of their right minds, by torturing each and every one of them in a bespoke manner. It had worked beautifully in the beginning. Seeing them leave her room looking more like ghosts than people made her feel refreshed. She rejoiced in the misery she inflicted upon them and the wheel kept on turning. Yet, as the days followed one another, it all became exhausting and demoralising. 

 

The truth was that Cersei felt as miserable as the rest of them...

 

She placed a hand on her well-rounded stomach and tried to keep her eyes shut. Her cub was the main reason why tormenting the others became a tiring chore. In the past few days, as her own thoughts became darker and her mood sulked, the babe had grown increasingly agitated. From dawn to dusk and dusk to dawn, it was turning and twirling without pause, kicking her, punching her, scratching her insides. Sometimes, the pain she felt was so bad she could not stand on her two feet. Other times, it was so unbearable she had to hide underneath the covers, clenching her teeth and muffling her cries. The thought that something was wrong in her womb no longer left her head. As her delivery time was nearing fast, Cersei felt scared.  

  

Scared and lonely beyond words...

 

She needed Jaime with all her heart!

 

She needed Jaime more than she had ever needed him before. Having Jaime with her and pretending he did not exist was pure torture. Being forced to ignore him became the worst part of her anguished existence. All she really wanted was his company, the comfort he could provide her with... his words, his touches, his caresses... Spending all her days alone with him and not as much as breathing in his direction made Cersei miss him more than when he had been away. She needed Jaime! She needed him so badly she had to refrain herself from begging him to hold her tight. She had to stop herself from crying to him that she hurt in ways she had never done in her previous pregnancies...

 

She needed him! She needed Jaime! She needed his promise that their child would be alright, that they would be alright... She needed him to ask for her forgiveness. She needed him to regret his betrayal. She needed him back in her arms. She needed things to go back to normal. She needed Jaime all for herself, as it had always been the case... and for that, she had to break him first!

 

Cersei knew that, beneath his Lannister act, her Jaime was a sensitive man driven by love. Nothing hurt him more than being treated as worthless by those he loved. Rejection made someone as desperate for affection as Jaime lose his wits and self-control. And Cersei needed him to do just that!

 

Knowing her brother well, Cersei was aware he was galloping towards his breaking point. With every passing day, the life in him seemed to have faded a little more. Whereas at first he had tried to get a reaction – any reaction – out of her, by the end of the first week he had settled for remaining silent. He chose to stand on his feet by the door, from sunrise to sunset, in proper guarding position - living up entirely to his glorified bodyguard reputation. Lacking the shining armour and white cape, Jaime's stand only made him look pathetic. He knew it as well as she did and the fact that she was allowing him to humiliate himself like that only added to Jaime's pain. 

 

From underneath her covers, Cersei often looked at him – his green eyes seemed lost in space and his low breathing made one see he was slowly suffocating in self-hatred. He was going away inside, deep deep inside! Cersei knew all too well his happy places were out of reach. No matter how much he looked for them, Jaime was swimming in increasingly darker waters and the currents were soon to drown him.

 

Jaime needed her just as much as she needed him!

 

Jaime could not last long with her mistreating him! Jaime was lost without her attention! He was lost without her love! He was bound to do something stupid… something grave enough to break the stalemate of their situation... Something! Anything! He just had to break! The sooner that happened, the better for them both, for the three of them in fact - their little family.

 

There was only one problem – Brienne of Tarth.

 

The ugly cow was slowing down her sustained efforts at making Jaime understand that nothing else mattered - only them! The stupid whore was keeping Jaime away from home! She was fueling his delusional feelings! She was prying on his post-battle traumas, on his damned infirmity in order to get her way with him! Had he not lost his hand, Jaime would have never looked at someone like Brienne! Had he not been away from his true love for so long, desperately in need of affection, Jaime would have never begged Brienne of Tarth's attention! It was insane how much Jaime cared about the opinion of sheep. It was insane how much he needed the world's approval!  _Kingslayer! Kingslayer!_ It droved him mad like nothing else. It made him sick with the need of proving he had a grain of damned honour after all...

 

Cersei had allowed him to rumble on about honour while they were entrapped, for all that nonsensical talk was inconsequential. They were dying. Nothing mattered!

 

When she woke up and saw her brother kissing Brienne, Cersei was driven mad with pain. All of a sudden, Jaime's affair became real. All of a sudden, his infatuation was more than just a whim. Seeing them, Cersei wanted nothing but to kill the whore clawing what was rightfully hers! With nothing to lose, Cersei vowed to roar and fight to death! Away from Jaime's eyes and ears, she planned to tear Brienne apart. 

 

But when her cub came back to life, she could no longer risk it all. While her child was still inside her, Cersei had to tone her impulses down. What if she pushed Brienne too far and, in spite of her herself and her dedication to Jaime, the beast hit her? Or drove her sword through her stomach?

 

Unable to hurt Brienne as much as she wanted, Cersei settled for punishing Jaime. She needed him to break! The thought was never far from the surface!

 

She needed him to break! And Brienne was slowing her progress down. While Cersei was pushing Jaime towards the edge, Brienne was pulling him away!

 

Every night when Brienne was not there guarding her, Cersei knew she was fucking her brother!        

 

The nights when the squire guarded her were unbearable. Cersei drove herself sick with jealousy! She could not help it. She could not control it! Repeatedly, in the depths of her twisted mind, Cersei pictured Jaime fucking Brienne. The more she willed the nauseating scenes away, the more vividly they returned. Just as she had never been able to stop her mind from imagining the corpses of her mother and children decomposing, she could not prevent herself from seeing her brother's body joint with that of another woman. Jaime's body... oh, Cersei knew it down to the last detail! She knew what he liked, she knew what drove him crazy with pleasure and she knew how each and every one of his muscles tensed under certain touches... touches that were now Brienne's to give. Touches that drove Cersei insane!

 

Unbidden, her thoughts went to Jaime's cock. She knew its length and girth so well... she knew how it fit in her hand, in her mouth, inside her... But instead of seeing herself in Jaime's arms, Cersei saw Brienne and Brienne alone! She saw Brienne sucking on his cock. She saw Jaime penetrating her deep, thrusting rhythmically and eagerly while his fingers grabbed Brienne's thick thighs. She saw Jaime's face grimacing at the build-up! She saw his green eyes rolling back at release! Jaime fucked Brienne on the bed! Jaime fucked Brienne against a wall! Jaime fucked Brienne on the floor! Jaime fucked Brienne in the Round Room, right on the table where he had more than once fucked her! Jaime fucked Brienne over and over and over again!

 

The images never stopped… not until one of them entered the room and took to guarding her. Then all of a sudden her mind calmed down! Alas, it did not find peace or comfort, but it calmed down nonetheless.

 

Brienne's cunt was the only reason why Jaime had not broken yet! The reason why her efforts were still in vain!

  

It was but a trial! They would overcome it! In the end – Cersei knew it deep down – nothing else mattered! Only them!

 

Jaime could claim he was in love with Brienne as much as he wanted. Jaime could ride the beast as much as he wanted... in the end - in the very end - he would always go back to her! By choice, by habit, by duty...

 

Jaime loved her. Jaime would always love her! Their bond was unbreakable! He said it so himself!

 

Jaime needed her! He could not survive her rejection... he could not live without her! If she pushed him a bit more, a bit further, he was bound to break! He was bound to do something stupid... he was bound to save his little family from that damned Tower!

  

She sighed, willing her mind quiet. Cersei rolled on her back and stared at the ceiling. 

 

Until Jaime broke and saved them, Cersei had to keep herself from going numb of boredom.

 

The Gods she had no regards for loved to laugh at her expense!

 

Their latest charade was making Brienne the only person Cersei could talk to after long hours of silence. As she was unable to communicate with either man – with Jaime out of necessity, with Podrick out of distress at the thoughts spinning inside her head – Cersei found in Brienne her only companion. And what a cruel joke that was!

 

Unable to sleep, Cersei lifted herself on the pillows and looked towards the woman guarding her. Being still early in the evening, she was surprised to see Brienne paying more attention to her book than to her prisoner. "What are you reading?"

 

Brienne lifted her head from the book and rolled her eyes. "I thought you were asleep."

 

"The babe is awake, so I am awake..." She replied placing a hand on her stomach. Whether she insulted Brienne, tormented her, or simply made small talk, Cersei felt drawn to interacting with the knight. Despite having led a lonely life, Cersei had never been devoid of birds chirping around her! If anything, she often sought to send the annoying Ladies away and find some peace and quiet. Even when she reduced her court drastically, Qyburn was still there for her! Having no one to talk to was something she could not do without losing her mind. So there she was - Brienne of Tarth, making Cersei crazy and keeping her sane at the same time!

 

"Do you need anything?" The knight inquired with a sigh. Sometimes during that second week, caught between scornful remarks and graphic threats, Brienne had ceased addressing her by 'your Grace'. The respectful politeness in the younger woman's tone had gradually faded, but she did not dare to call her 'Cersei' - not yet. Nonetheless, they were heading that way and Cersei could not wait for Brienne to pass the threshold. When it would happen, Cersei planned to erupt with the strength of the Fourteen Fires that had doomed Valyria!

 

"Yes, I need some wine." Cersei said, laying her eyes on Brienne. The knight's ugly face was a book opened wider than the one resting before her on the Lord Commander's desk. Brienne's thoughts were always transparent on her features. For the life of her, she could not hide a single emotion and her struggle was delightful to watch.

 

"You drink too much..." Brienne sighed, without giving any indication she would stand from her desk to comply with Cersei's demand.

 

"I do not believe that is any of your concern!" Cersei hissed back.

 

"It is my concern as I have to smuggle your wine from Queen Daenerys's table!"

 

Cersei just rolled her eyes and stood from her bed. She carried herself to the food table and filled a cup. Brienne watched her as she indulged in her addiction, but said no more about it.

 

"So, what are you reading?" Cersei asked again.

 

“Dragonkin…” Brienne whispered in reply.

 

“Dragonkin?” Cersei smiled. “ _A history of House Targaryen from Exile to Apotheosis, with a Consideration of the Life and Death of_ _Dragons,_ by Maester Thomax." She smirked looking at Brienne. The knight frowned in surprise at how easily the former Queen identified the book. Cersei tilted her head in arrogant response and sipped from her wine. "Why are you reading that? Did your new Queen smell your poor education and compelled you to refine your knowledge on her family history?"

 

"It is one way to put it..." Brienne said avoiding Cersei's green gaze.

 

"Well, that book you are reading is not the most reliable source, particularly in what dragons are concerned."

 

Closing the book with a sudden flip, Brienne looked at Cersei rather unconvinced: "What do you know about dragons?"

 

“Knightling..." Cersei hissed pressing her chin forward and touching her upper lip with her tongue. "I know much more about dragons than your dragon bitch herself!”  

 

Brienne shook her head at Cersei's attitude and stood from the desk, readying herself to guard the door. Cersei rolled her eyes.

 

"Just sit back down..." She commanded Brienne, who kept on standing, looking rather unsure of what was going on. With one hand on her wine goblet, Cersei took a chair from the food table and dragged it across the room to the Lord Commander's desk. Placing her wine next to the book, Cersei arranged her chair across from Brienne's.

 

"Sit!" Cersei repeated, doing the same herself. Under Brienne's rather shocked expression, Cersei pulled the book towards her and started flipping through the pages. “This particular book is the reason why Tyrion, even to this date, believes that Meraxes was the second-largest dragon after Balerion.” Cersei looked up at Brienne and frowned. “Just sit!" As if on cue, Brienne did as commanded. "Tell me you at least know the three dragons that were used in the Conquest..."

 

“Of course I do!” Brienne replied rolling her eyes. “I also know that Vhagar was the second-largest.”

 

“Congratulations, Brienne of Tarth. You are smarter than Tyrion Lannister!” Cersei said ironically.

 

“Even children's books concur that Vhagar was bigger than Meraxes... why would Lord Tyrion think otherwise?”

 

“Because  _Lord Tyrion_ is a massive prick who believes to be superior to everyone else!" Cersei hissed. "And because he got his facts from this book!” She added casually.

 

“Where did you get your facts from?” Brienne asked still reluctant.

 

“Straight from the source - the darkest corners of the Targaryen Library, right here in the Red Keep." Cersei looked at Brienne and read the wonder in her blue eyes. "What? Does it surprise you that the young wife of a King who loved to fuck whores had a lot of free time in her hands?" 

 

Brienne shook her head in reply. "No, it does not... but... What I do not understand is why you spent some of that free time in the darkest corners of the Targaryen Library? They were all gone! Your House helped defeat them... why care?"  

 

 _Cersei Targaryen_ … the name rang loud in her mind. The name, the sweet name, she had scribbled on countless scrolls in her childhood. _Why care?_ She was mourning her Prince, she was mourning the life the Mad King had robbed her of. It had all been his doing! Her Silver Prince was taken from her because King Aerys II hated Lord Tywin Lannister! Rhaegar had never rejected her! Rhaegar would have loved her the way any wife dreams to be loved. Rhaegar would have never bedded her only to whisper  _Lyanna_ in her ear. There would have been no room for Lyanna in Rhaegar's heart, for he would have been too infatuated with his betrothed...

 

Throughout her life, Cersei had read about dragons and the Targaryens for one reason alone: she did it for Rhaegar. To impress Rhaegar. To charm Rhaegar. To mourn Rhaegar. To remember Rhaegar...

 

"I did not care!" Cersei replied bitterly. "I was bored and needed to keep my mind sharp! Learning things by heart is one way to keep one's mind sharp! Come on, give me a quill. I will underline the mistakes for you." She said extending her palm forward and waiting for Brienne to comply.    

 

“Why would you do that for me?” Brienne asked unable to hide her concerned scepticism.

 

“Because I am bored out of my mind!” Cersei exclaimed exasperated. “Would you rather me find nasty things to say - which I can - or educate you on dragon trivia?”

 

Brienne rolled her eyes and took from her desk's drawer the requested quill and ink. Cersei's long fingers brushed over Brienne's when she took the quill and, for a heartbeat, they both held their breaths. Without a word, Cersei opened the book straight at Balerion's pages.

 

"Balerion the Black Dread!" Cersei said dramatically. "The last Targaryen dragon to hatch in Valyria, not many mistakes here, except this one..." Cersei began explaining what Maester Thomas had wrongly recorded in his historical account. 

 

In spite of Cersei's condescending tone, Brienne became soon fascinated by what she was being told. As the pages were turned one after another, the two women leaned over the book placed sideways between them. Their heads nearly touched, while their eyes followed Cersei's little annotations. 

 

“Silverwing…” Cersei said softly. Caressing the picture on the old page, she leaned on the back of her chair. Brienne did the same and, for the first time in over three hours of truce, their eyes met across the desk. “Silverwing..." Cersei whispered reaching for her wine. "It was Silverwing…”

 

“What was Silverwing?” Brienne asked unsurely.

 

Looking deep in Brienne’s blue eyes, Cersei's voice came out weaker than she would have wanted to: "Tell Jaime when you see him, will you? He asked me when we were entrapped... he was rambling his stories about the Kingsguard to keep me from losing consciousness." She sipped from her wine and looked away towards the window. "He asked about Visenya and Vhagar and later whether I knew what dragon we were dying in, but I was too weak to answer... Tell Jaime I know... tell him it was Silverwing… Silverwing the Lannister dragon…” Cersei chuckled still looking towards the window and blinking away the tears that were threatening to fall from her eyes.

 

Brienne looked at her in confusion: “The Lannister dragon? Even with my limited knowledge on dragons and I still know the Lannisters had none…”

 

Cersei downed her wine and stood up. She hurried to the decanter to pour herself another goblet. With the corner of her eye, she saw Brienne opening her mouth in protest, but the knight lowered her head and refrained from voicing her disapproval. Turning back to face Brienne, Cersei leaned on the edge of the food table.

 

“Of course we had none... but Silverwing's skull was kept hidden at Casterly Rock for well over one year, reason why I love pretending she was a Lannister.”

 

“Kept hidden, how?” Brienne frowned, placing her elbows on the desk and resting her chin on her fists.

 

“Silverwing survived the Dance of the Dragons, but she became riderless in its aftermath... No one could ever claim her again and she grew wild and flew away. She made her lair on a green island in the middle of the Red Lake, near the border between the Reach and the Rock. She allowed no one to approach her island again and she rarely left it... It is unknown when or why she died, but by the end of the 140s it became obvious that she was no longer alive. In 154, my great-great-great-great-great-grandfather, Loreon Lannister, decided to go 'dragon hunting'. He embarked on a quest of finding Silverwing's skull in order to keep it as a trophy, as all dragons had gone extinct. Upon his successful return, his mother - the woman who had been his regent for 16 years - was utterly scandalised by Loreon's gesture and terrified at the prospect of a conflict between the Lannisters and the Targaryens. She ordered the skull hidden in a cave, by the sea... then she paid solid gold for the silence of all those involved in the quest." Cersei looked at Brienne. "Guess what happened next?"

 

"The Targaryens found out?"

 

Cersei nodded, pressing her lips forward into a pout. "That they did..." Taking another sip of wine, she continued her story: "Only four dragons survived the civil war. Two of them, Cannibal and Sheepstealer, were wild dragons - the Targaryens had never managed to tame them, nor bond with them. The third one, Morning, had hatched during the war and lived less than 15 years. Only one other egg hatched after that - a small, deformed thing with broken wings, unworthy of even being called a dragon. This means that Silverwing, at her over 100 years old, was the last great Targaryen dragon... well, without counting the pets of your Queen, of course. No wonder that King Aegon III wanted her skull in the Throne Room. Luckily for my kin, the King was obsessed with keeping the peace of the Kingdoms and any potential conflict was solved by quiet diplomacy. Just as secretly as she had arrived at Casterly Rock, Silverwing left for Lannisport and then, on a ship without banners, she sailed for King's Landing." Cersei smiled at Brienne and the knight returned her gesture.

 

"Was this one of the secrets you found in the darkest corners of the Targaryen library?"

 

Cersei shook her head: "No... this one is from the darkest corners of our Lannister library. I was but six at the time... it was the last time I pretended to be Jaime and attended his sword lessons in his stead. We looked so much alike no one could tell us apart when we were clothed. I was sparring with the master at arms when Father caught me... to this day I do not know how he figured out. But he did and he slapped the sword off my hand so hard my wrist twisted... Then he told my Septa to punish me in whatever manner she felt appropriate, yet cruel enough to stop me from ever pretending to be a boy again. My Septa was not a cruel woman, so she just made me clean the entire Lannister library. For three weeks, I dusted every single book and every single scroll." Cersei rolled her eyes. "Jaime was not punished for embroidering with my Septa in my stead... Father treaded us equally like that." She hissed unable to hide the bitterness in her voice. "That's when I found Loreon's diary... It had been so well hidden it had to hold some secret. There were drawings of Silverwing, maps pinning her lair's location, more drawings with her skull. Beautiful images, but I did not care much about them... and I had not read it, not for another couple of years at least."

 

 _Not until Rhaegar..._ she thought, looking down in her goblet. "I have never told this story to anyone..." Cersei looked at Brienne across the room. She had no idea why she felt the need to reveal her secret to a creature she despised. Maybe it was the wine, maybe it was a pregnancy urge... but mostly it was a strange need of being seen as less of a monster. Regardless of motif, something deep down pushed Cersei further.

 

"I kept the story for Rhaegar..." Cersei whispered. "I imagined myself walking down the Throne Room, at his arm, and upon seeing the skulls I would have revealed the story to him... He would have been fascinated by it, charmed by me! He would have wondered which one was Silverwing in order to gift her skull to me... I would have blushed at his words... I would have said -  _my Prince, my Prince it is all too much..._ He would have smiled and said -  _oh, but nothing is too much for my Lady..._ and then I would have told him I knew how to identify Silverwing..." Cersei gasped at the memory of the fantasy she had long not thought of. Silence fell between them.

 

Brienne gave her the space to dwell in her memories before whispering: "How..."

 

Cersei blinked several times and cleared her voice. Before replying she downed her wine: "According to Loeron's diary, he had marked the skull before it sailed to King's Landing. It scratched on it 'LLL' - Lord Loreon Lannister. When I did become Queen, I did spend some time looking for the minuscule inscription on all the skulls that could have been Silverwing. Loreon did not mention where on the skull he had scratched the L's... but I eventually found them. When I did, I asked for the skull to be moved to Balerion's right, to close the circle - the first and the last dragon... When Jaime mentioned the skulls, I knew Silverwing would protect us! Even if the Keep would have crushed all other dragons... Silverwing was bound to protect her Lannisters!"

 

Cersei turned around and grabbed the wine decanter. This time Brienne stood from her desk and closed the distance between them. She took the decanter from Cersei's hand and placed it back on the food table.

 

"I think you had enough for now..." Brienne said gently, reaching for her goblet. Cersei clenched her fist around it and glared at Brienne.

 

"Are you not worried that you are hurting your child?" The knight asked, wrapping her hand around Cersei's.

 

With a pounding heart, Cersei looked up to meet Brienne's eyes. "Silverwing hatched for Queen Alysanne..."

 

"Alright..." Brienne whispered taking her goblet away.

 

"Queen Alysanne was to marry a Baratheon..." Cersei said coldly and, fast as a feline, she grabbed Brienne's wrist. "She was to be forced into that marriage solely because her mother was scared the Septons of the Faith would rebel again." She hissed planting her sharp nails so deep into Brienne's flesh that the goblet shook in her hand. "Those religious pricks were against the Targaryen custom of having brother and sister wedded... but Alysanne loved her brother Jaehaerys very, very, very much..."

 

Brienne tensed at once as she understood they were no longer speaking of history. She strove to release her wrists without using unproportionate force, but Cersei's grip was too strong.

 

"Alysanne wedded Jaehaerys in secret when they were very young and years later they made their bond known to the Realm... and whenever someone or something came between the Queen and her King... Silverwing was there to protect them with fire and blood!" Cersei's nails cut Brienne's wrist as a knife. The goblet fell from Brienne's hand at the same time Cersei released her grip.

 

Looking down at the drops of blood on her fingernails, Cersei felt overwhelmed by waves of hatred: "I will never give Jaime up! I will never cut him loose... not ever!"

 

Rubbing her bleeding wrist with her other hand, Brienne backed away several steps. Whenever Cersei turned violent, the knight made sure to put a safe distance between them. Cersei was not one to fool herself that the big cow was scared of a chained lion. She knew too well that Brienne was doing it to keep herself from answering violence with violence.

 

"As long as we both want him, Jaime will be caught between us! If I pull him my way hard enough and you pull him your way hard enough..." Cersei said fiercely, her teeth chattering uncontrollably. "... between the two of us, we can rip Jaime apart! We have that power in our hands! Breaking the Kingslayer! Tearing him to pieces! Is that what you want? I know it is not what I want... but make no mistake, knightling, I will pull him my way with all I have! Teeth and nails! If you do not want him dead at our hands, it's you who has to let go! For I never will! It is not what I wish, but I would rather see Jaime dead than happy with you!"

 

Brienne's face grimaced in anger: "You had me nearly fooled with your dragon stories... for a moment there, I almost thought you had a heart which once was broken..."

 

"For a moment there, I almost forgot you are desperately trying to steal my brother from me!" Cersei hissed in response. "We are no dragons! We are lions! We know our worth, we know our pride! I was a girl who dreamt of fairy-tales once, but life hit me hard! Rhaegar had never been more than just a ghost I admired from afar, while Jaime will forever be the only love of my life!"

 

Brienne shook her head bitterly and turned towards her desk. Her eyes fell on the book, still opened at Silverwing's page.

 

"I am not your handmaiden, to run errands for you! Tell Jaime about the fucking Lannister dragon yourself!" Brienne growled through clenched teeth, slamming the book shut.   

  

"I am not speaking to Jaime."

 

Brienne turned around to look at her: "What is that supposed to mean? Jaime is with you, in this room, from sunrise to sunset... You expect me to believe you keep that loose mouth of yours shut for so long? You're absurd!"

 

"What is absurd is how you want me to believe that my brother has not complained about my silence! Don't lie to me! I know very well that Jaime is hurt because I have not graced him with a single word since I woke up!"

 

Brienne frowned deeply, her face betraying the terror rising in her chest: "Have you really not spoken to Jaime since you regained your senses?"

 

"Has he truly not said a word about this?" Cersei asked feeling a knot tying her stomach. It could not be true! Jaime was hurt! Cersei had seen the light in him fading away! Jaime missed her! He was affected by her silence! Brienne was lying about it! Cersei's eyes searched the knight's face to find assurances. To her dismay, Brienne looked utterly astounded.

 

"It has been two weeks! Why have you not spoken to him? How can that even be possible? What is Jaime doing while locked with you in this room day after day after day?"

 

"Paying for his sins! He's standing by that door like a dog!" Cersei hissed with a scornful smile.

 

Within a heartbeat, she regretted her choice of words, for Brienne jolted her way. Terrified, Cersei took three steps back until she hit the food table. Involuntarily, she wrapped her arms around her stomach to protect her child. The gesture made Brienne stop her tracks short from touching her in any way. The angry knight clenched her fists to restrain herself from laying hands on Cersei. When she spoke, her tone was low and uneven:

 

"You are a hateful, hateful creature! How can you treat your brother like he is but a piece of dirt and then have the nerve to claim he is the love of your life?"

 

"I am doing what has to be done! I am punishing him because of YOU!" Cersei accused feeling her blood boiling inside her veins. "He has to break to come back to his senses! And if you knew my brother like you pretend you do, then you would understand that nothing hurts Jaime as rejection! You want to make him suffer? Turn your back on him! You want to teach him a lesson? Leave when he begs you to stay! Get angry as much as you want, but the fact stands - Jaime is as faithful and dependent as a dog! The harder you kick him, the more desperate to get back into your graces!"

 

Cersei saw Brienne turning white, her hands shaking all of a sudden. Feeling that her words had an impact on the sensitive knight, Cersei pushed the matter forwards:

 

"You want me to stop kicking your pup, then learn one vital thing: he is not  _your_ pup! He is mine! He has always been mine! And he will be mine for as long as we shall live! Stop meddling! Just walk away from him!"

 

"I ALREADY HAVE!" Brienne raged, giving Cersei pause.

 

The knight covered her face with both hands, before suddenly biting on her nails. The light blood from Cersei's scratches had dried on her wrist by now. Increasingly more agitated, Brienne started pacing the room disregarding Cersei's frown. Eyeing the door every other second, she looked like a caged bear plotting its escape.

 

Suddenly understanding Brienne's distress, Cersei asked her with a pounding heart: "You... you have? You mean you have not spent your nights with him? You have not been by his side all this time?" She received no reply, as a knock on the door startled them both.

 

"Yes?!" Brienne exclaimed in relief.

 

Before the door opened, Cersei knew whom to expect. Without fail, on every night when Brienne was on guard, her loyal squire came before bed to make sure there was nothing else she needed him to do.

 

"Ser... your Grace..." Podrick greeted them as respectfully as ever. He looked freshly bathed and shaved. "I am done for the night. Is there anything else you need me to do?" He asked out of habit. And, out of habit, Cersei expected Brienne to decline.

 

"I am afraid I will need you to guard her Grace tonight..." Brienne replied in a heartbeat. Cersei looked her way and swallowed hard.

 

Podrick tried his best to hide the dread, while nodding reassuringly: "Of course, it is not a problem, Ser!"

 

"Thank you, Podrick... thank you truly and I am sorry... I really am... I just... I need to go now..." She mumbled, while rushing to retrieve _Dragonkin_ from the desk.

 

Cersei felt sick. She had miscounted everything! Jaime was not drowning only because of her... he was drowning because of Brienne as well. And now, by saying the wrong thing, instead of pushing Brienne away from Jaime, she had pushed her straight into his arms! 

 

"Don't go to him!" She hissed half a threat and half a plea.

 

But Brienne did not spare Cersei a single other glance or word. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little mentioning on the dragon-talk: most of what Cersei tells Brienne (apart from the Lannister dragon twist) is in fact canon in the ASOIAF universe.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed the chapter and Cersei's rather twisted mind! I am looking forward to hearing your comments on what you think of it. Xx


	16. The Golden Lion of Lannister

_[He could no longer carry on like that! All he wanted was one chance at starting over, a chance to be a good brother, a good husband… yet neither Cersei nor Brienne seemed inclined to give him that much. The love he felt for the other betrayed them both and left him completely alone._

_All hope was lost.]_

 

The fire dancing in front of him was mesmerising. Jaime watched the flames struggling in the hearth and, for a short moment, he felt the urge to touch them... He felt the urge to burn!

 

 _Burn them all! Burn them all!_ The Mad King's voice still echoed loud in his mind. Even after all that time, Jaime remembered it well. Truth be told, he doubted there would ever be a time when the King's terrifying screams would fade away.

 

He stretched his good hand towards the flames. Had he not stopped the King on that day... _that fateful day..._  he would have long been ashes in the wind...

 

 _"Jaime, what are you doing?"_ He heard Brienne whispering so faintly he thought he was dreaming it.

 

 _"Burning out..."_  The voice of his head whispered back.

 

 _"No..."_ She said.  _"No, you must live!"_

 

He wanted to laugh. A memory of a dream.  _"Worry not, I will live, wench..."_

 

Jaime warmed his hand by the flames, keeping short from touching them. The thought of putting an end to his misery was appealing, comforting even, but he knew he had to live. The world might have been done with him, but he was not done with the world. He had children to raise, Brienne to marry and Cersei to protect... Jaime closed his eyes, while his mind added silently: _that_ _if_ _the Mad King's daughter doesn't burn them all..._

 

Taking his hand away from the fire, Jaime covered his face with it and rubbed his temples. Madness. Everything about his life felt like neverending madness. He had not planned to live past his sister's fall from power, yet, while entrapped in the dragon skull, he prayed for a second chance at leading an honourable life. The irony of having his prayer answered was that he had no idea how to live up to it.

 

There was chaos in his mind. Chaos all around him. The dark waters he was swimming in were alight. Fire surrounded him... fire, always fire... some of it red and orange, some of it green.

 

Jaime let his hand fall from his face and stared into the flames warming his room. He could no longer carry on the way he did in those past two weeks. He had to live! Before even dreaming to _l_ _ive up_ to anything, he had to find a solution to how to simply  _live_...

 

And he could not live while Cersei was pushing him towards perdition! Cersei... Cersei... Cersei... always Cersei! Her silence was consuming him like wildfire.

 

Jaime's thoughts turned to Brienne. Her silence was different. Her silence was dignified. Justified. Unlike Cersei's determined punishment, Brienne's attitude was not about hurting Jaime, it was about finding oneself. It hurt all the same, but it was easier to cope with. Deep down, Jaime understood Brienne needed time to forgive him. Their relationship would mend, there was no doubt about it - he had no doubt about it! They were meant to be together, the more so as they had a child on the way! Their love was too strong not to overcome his mistake. Brienne needed space! He was giving her space, no matter how heavy that weigh on his heart. Provided the world would not end in flames, he and Brienne were a certainty... she just neede time... a little time...

 

He closed his eyes.  _I am giving her time... a little time... she will come back to me... when she is ready... I'm giving her time... a little time... she will come back to me... when she is ready... I am giving her time... a little time..._ A mantra he had repeated every night and every morning ever since Brienne left him on his knees, begging for her to stay.

 

But it was Cersei who was killing him... she was the currents dragging him beneath dark waters... she was the _dark waters_ he had dove headfirst into! She was also the green flames burning him to ashes...

 

It was Cersei... it had always been Cersei...

 

The worst part about Cersei's silence was that Jaime knew how much she needed him. Yet Cersei was too proud to relinquish her hateful punishment and ask for his help.

 

Cersei was hurting. Something was not all that right with her and their cub. He did realise it days before, but that day had been particularly bad. He stood by the door, watching his pregnant sister curled up underneath her covers and silently crying in pain. He did not budge.

 

Two proud lions killing each other! That's what they were...

 

None of them cried for the other! None of them showed any sign of weakness! Of want! Of need. Jaime had clenched his teeth and allowed the darkness to take him. _She deserves it! Let her suffer_ \- he told himself throughout the day. And that was what he did. He let her suffer and stood by the door watching her... and now his heart was in such state of pain he wanted to throw himself in the fire.

 

 _"For as long as I shall live... no harm will befall you!"_ Jaime closed his eyes and cringed. How many times had he failed to keep his vow to Cersei? Have many times had he failed to save Cersei?

 

 _"Jaime, come to me..."_ Her voice echoed in his mind. The words he had wished - hoped, prayed - to hear from beneath the covers. Her cry for help. Her cry for forgiveness.

 

It did not come... yet now, the words echoed loud in his mind: _"Jaime, come to me..."_

 

Jaime opened his eyes and looked deep into the flames. There she was! Sweet and beautiful, dressed in green - their mother's favourite colour. An utter angel of merely eight years old sitting crossed-legged on her bed, beaming brighter than the fire he was staring into. Her delicate fingers were touching the aged pages of the raggedy old book laying on her lap as if they were made out of pure gold. Cersei and her  _Dragonkin_ had been inseparable for weeks!

 

His eyes never leaving the flames, Jaime saw his young self walking towards the bed. Climbing onto it, he sat crossed-legged in front of her - a perfect reflection! Their knees touched lightly and the twins looked like but one child sitting in front of a mirror. Alas, her hair was longer, his clothes were dustier… It mattered not. They still looked like one child sitting in front of a mirror… they looked like one!

 

Like that, facing each other, Jaime spent hours listening to Cersei's Targaryen stories. He remembered that night well...  _that fateful night..._  when he felt like ripping the damned book off his sister's fingers! Hours and hours he let the jealousy bottle up until he could no more...

 

 _"I heard the Targaryens are kissing their brothers and sisters... Isn't that terribly wrong of them?"_ All Jaime had wanted was to be mean and wipe that bright smile right off his twin's lips. When Cersei held her breath, his heart paused. A sudden wave of guilt overwhelmed him at the thought he had caused her real upset... but Cersei was merely distressed at her inability to answer him.

 

 _"Well, let's see! If it feels wrong, it must be wrong!"_ Cersei's suave voice decreed.

 

Jaime lowered his eyes from the fire not allowing himself to witness the kiss forming in the flames. He sighed. It suddenly dawned on him that it was the second time in less than a month when he was thinking of that night. And for the second time in less than a month, he thought of it with deep regret.

 

Someone should have taught them boundaries! Someone should have told them they were not one child looking in the mirror! Someone should have known what two children of eight were too young to realise! Someone should have stopped them!

 

But there had been no one to stop them... for no one took emotions seriously at Casterly Rock. They were not to mourn. They were not to cry. They were not to pray. All they had ever been allowed to do was act like adults... and they did.

 

One night... one kiss...

 

If only that had been the beginning and the end of it... 

 

In spite of himself, Jaime's attention kept on being drawn to the hearth and the memories forming within the flames...

 

He was so deeply lost in the chaos of his mind, that the visions felt as real as the fire itself...

 

The flames turned and turned... memories of months and years passing before his eyes in mere heartbeats... everything was out of order... he saw Tommen's birth... Cersei's wedding... Joffrey's death... pushing Bran off the window... Myrcella singing before the court for the first time... Cersei telling him she was pregnant... Tommen's coronation... Joffrey's first hunt... Cersei's coronation... Myrcella's death... Cersei giving birth to Joffrey... Cersei crying... Cersei laughing... Cersei in green... Cersei in red... Cersei in black... Cersei.

 

Nothing lingered for longer than a moment... nothing but Cersei's face! It was as if his mind was looking for something in particular.

 

And then the flames settled on what they were looking for.

 

"No." Jaime shook his head... but the fire never listens... for the fire cannot be controlled...

 

In the red and orange dance, Jaime saw a proud and arrogant youngster having barely reached his fourteenth nameday, riding on his white horse into the courtyard of Casterly Rock. He was all green eyes and golden hair reaching down to his waistline. He was taller than most and more handsome than the Silver Prince himself, or so he used to think in his mind intoxicated by an entitled sense of self-importance…

 

They called him the golden lion of Lannister... the pride of the Rock!

 

He was the apple of his father's eyes, his brother's shield, his sister's saviour... and everyone's pain in the ass!

 

He was spoiled. He was impulsive. He was vain. He was undisciplined. He was quick-tempered. He was stubborn. He was sharp-tongued. He was overconfident!   

 

He took nothing seriously and loved hardly anything other than swinging a sword. For that reason, he had been away from Casterly Rock - albeit with short returns - for two years, squiring for Lord Sumner Crakehall. His reputation preceded him already. Any idiot with eyes could see that the young lion was unmatched at sword fighting… and Jaime – oh, Jaime knew his worth better than anyone else!

 

Glory! Glory! Glory laid ahead! He could not wait to become a knight and wrap himself tightly in glory!

 

Staring into the hearth at the golden lion with flaming mane riding past the threshold of his ancestral home, Jaime could not - for the life of him - relate to that person! That burning promise of a grandiose future, which once ignited the young lion's spirit – _their_ spirit –, had long ceased to flicker. The narcissistic tendencies had been gradually replaced by self-pity and self-loathing...

 

And it all started to go south on that day… _that fateful day_ … when he returned home for a short visit.

 

His father, the Hand of the King, was home too, on leave from his duties in King’s Landing. That meant that the only one person the young lion cared to see, would be at Casterly Rock as well...

 

Nothing in the world could have prepared him for the reunion...

 

Biting his lips and bracing for the image he knew he would see, Jaime searched the flames looking for her.

 

There she was! His beautiful, beautiful sister... withered like a flower long forgotten in the sun. She was impossibly thin and pale. The features of her sweet face had hardened, red spots covered her skin and she no longer smiled. Her beautiful golden hair had been cut so short it did not even reach her slender neck...

 

The young lion nearly fell off his horse when their eyes met. There was no life left in her.

 

"Cersei..." Jaime cried out and reached for the fire. He wanted to drag her from there and wrap his arms around her. For a frightful moment, he lost all lucidity and almost shoved his one remaining hand into the flames.

 

 _"Jaime!"_ His father's strong voice startled him and his younger self alike. While Jaime took his hand away from the fire, the golden lion dismounted his horse and greeted his father. He then wanted to proceed to greet his twin, but Cersei broke into tears in front of the whole court.

 

 _"Take her and lock her into her room! I cannot stand her anymore!"_ Tywin commanded her Septa, who obeyed without blinking. Jaime looked at his younger self clenching his teeth and staring at their father with green eyes sparkling in pure hatred. His sister! His sweet, precious sister had been bedridden for weeks and no one sent him a word about it! Impulsive as he was, the golden lion confronted Tywin as soon as they stepped inside the castle.

 

 _"It's nothing."_ His father replied dismissively.

 

 _"Nothing?"_ The golden lion hissed. _"My sister looks like the lovechild of a ghost with a skeleton! I can see her bones! The green in her eyes turned grey! You've cut her hair! She cried in public! You call that nothing? Do you know Cersei at all, Father? You have one daughter! Take care of her!"_

 

_"Two weeks of fever and vomiting due to a bug from Essos, nothing more. Her hair was falling like the leaves in autumn, we were left with no alternative but cut it short. If she stopped feeling sorry for her looks, maybe her looks would return... Forget Cersei, she's not important. Tell me about yourself..."_

 

The young lion fought the impulse of drawing his sword at his father. Jaime nodded at the memory of it -  _that_ is how precipitated he used to be! Although sometimes he was still acting with little regard for consequences, as Brienne accused him, his temper had significantly improved.

 

 _"Not important now that Prince Rhaegar is to wed Elia Martell... that is what you mean, isn't it Father? Half her life you made my sister dream of that match and now that it fell because you failed to secure it, you blame her for it? You cut her hair... how could you cut Cersei's hair?"_  The young lion accused and Tywin's sharp eyes fired poisoned arrows at him.

 

 _"You are tired from the road. Go rest and speak to me when your head is clear!"_ He did not go to rest. He rushed to Cersei's room.

 

Despite closing his eyes, the flames kept dancing in Jaime's mind. He covered his face with his hand, hoping the memories would fade away... yet they did not.

 

On that day… _that fateful day…_ he gave up on himself for Cersei. How could he have done anything else? How could he have not helped her when she fell on her knees the second he entered her room!?

 

 _"Jaime..."_ She cried out his name so desperately that a shiver went down Jaime's spine at the memory of it.

 

The young lion closed the door shut behind him and locked it three times. Draped in Lannister red and gold, with his long mane which could have put the fairest of maidens to shame, his younger self looked at the shadow of Cersei crying on the floor.

 

 _"Cersei..."_ The young lion whispered terrified.  

 

 _“Jaime… Jaime… oh, Jaime...”_ Cersei sobbed, shaking so hard he feared her frail figure would break. _“Jaime, I killed her! I killed her... I killed her... Jaime... Jaime... I killed her!”_

 

Jaime’s hand fell off his face as he opened his eyes wide! He could not think of it! He could not! He would not think of that day!

 

No! No! No! No! No! Jaime willed his thoughts away!

 

_Jaime, I killed her!_

 

_Jaime, I killed her!_

 

_Jaime, I killed her!_

 

_Jaime... Jaime... Jaime..._

 

_Jaime, I killed her..._

 

_I killed her..._

 

The voice of his distressed twin was calling him from across time! Cersei was forcing him back to that day whether he wanted it or not...

 

His innocent sister had become a murderer. His delicate sister had covered her hands in blood. His sweet sister had driven herself off the edge of perdition...

 

Since that day, the bodies claimed by Cersei had pilled by the thousands. She grew to have so little regard for human life... but at the age of fourteen, that first murder and the reason behind it broke her spirit. It daunted on her for years! Regardless of what Cersei felt for her other crimes, one thing remained sure - that first murder she regretted from the depths of her soul! And Jaime knew it all too well.

 

The dance of the flames was hard to resist and Jaime saw the young lion leaping forward. He fell on his knees on the floor in front of his twin and dragged her protectively to his chest. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly. 

 

 _“I killed her, Jaime… I killed her… I killed her… I killed Melara!”_ Cersei cried holding onto him for dear life. His heart skipped a bit at the name, for Melara had been Cersei's closest friend, but Jaime did not loosen his embrace. His sister kept on repeating the same thing over and over again, while sobbing so hard she started breathing with difficulty. When she nearly choked on her tears, Jaime broke the embrace and grabbed her by the shoulders:

 

 _“Cersei… Cersei, look at me! Look at me! Just look at me!”_ Cersei’s green eyes looked into his, but she did not seem able to calm down. _“Breathe… breathe… huuuuu… come on, love, breathe with me… huuuu… huuuuuu…”_  The young lion inhaled and exhaled deeply and his twin started following suit. _“Look at me and breathe… huuuu… slowly... huuuuu…”_ Jaime's hands travelled up her shoulders, caressing her neck before cupping her face. With his thumbs, he wiped away her tears and stared deeply into her eyes still encouraging her to breathe. 

 

 _“You’re alright, love… everything is alright, everything will be alright…”_   He promised her, as Cersei slowly regained her composure. Helping her to her feet, he led her to her chaise lounge. Turning on his heels, Jaime fetched her a cup of strawberry syrup to sweeten her blood. Cersei shook her head and looked at him with her reddened eyes.

 

 _"There is wine under my bed..."_   Sensing her brother's disapproval, she just added with a whisper.  _"It helps me..."_

 

The young lion nodded and poured his sister a cup of wine instead. He watched her drink it with small sips and refrained from commenting on how natural she looked with the beverage in her hand. Jaime shook his head at the flames. He should have never permitted his sister to drink as heavily as she did. He should have stopped her, for he had so many opportunities to do so. Yet he never did.

 

 _"Will you tell me about Melara..."_ Jaime heard his younger self whispering.

 

 _"I poisoned her..."_ Cersei replied closing her eyes and squeezing them. Feeling the panic rising in her chest again, she began breathing the way Jaime had made her do earlier.  _"She was sleeping with me, for Father thought her company would do me well. After the Septa put us to bed, I took her for a walk in the tunnels, where no one would see us... I told Melara I needed to move, I told her I could not keep still or I would lose my mind... I had put a whole vial of poison in the flask! We roamed the tunnels for a long while and at some point, I asked her if she wanted a sip... and she did. She drank from my wine and soon she could no longer breathe! Her face turned purple! She was choking! She was holding her neck with her hands gasping for air! Blood with white liquid and nasty foam ran from her nose and eyes and ears… it was horrible Jaime! Horrible! Every time I close my eyes I see her dying like that…”_

 

 _"Why..."_ He asked as softly as he could.

 

 _“She was going to tell father..."_ Burning tears fell down her sharp cheekbones. _"I begged her not to, I told her that we would get through it... that I would get through it! But Melara was scared because she saw the worry consuming me little by little until I could no longer eat or sleep. I told her I would be fine... I told her all I needed was my brother telling me I would be fine... I told her you'd be coming soon to make things right! I told her to stop driving me even more insane than I was already driving myself! But she would not listen! She was going to tell father! She told me so every day until I could not take it anymore! I had no choice but end it!"_

 

 _“She was going to tell father what…”_ He whispered sitting next to her and tenderly taking her free hand into his.

_“About the prophecy..."_

 

The flames danced and danced before his eyes and Jaime could not look away from the young twins sitting hand in hand. As Cersei cried her story, Jaime focused solely on his own reaction. Not only did he remember feeling it, but his face betrayed a deep amusement upon hearing his sister's words.

 

Jaime had never taken Cersei's prophecy seriously! Not ever.

 

That first time he heard the prophecy, his sister cried her soul to him, while he bit his lips to prevent himself from laughing. What was not to laugh at? A witch in the forest named something with a Frog had told Cersei she would never marry the Prince, for she would marry the King. She told her she would be Queen for a while until a younger, more beautiful one, came to replace her. She told her she would have three children and the children would die. She told her Tyrion would put her to the grave. And then the witch laughed.

 

Cersei was a naive little girl! Any old hag who lived in the Rock her whole life knew Tywin Lannister would never rest until his kin was on the throne! Whether he waited for Elia Martell to die in childbirth or he made sure she died by a well-plotted accident, his father would ensure Cersei got a crown on her head. Cersei would be Queen and the fate of all Queens was to be replaced by younger ones when their sons inherited the throne. Cersei would have children and they would die, for all humans die in the end! As for Tyrion... there was not a soul in the Rock who did not know how much Cersei hated her brother. What better way to plant even more discord than by putting that sort of thought in a troubled girl's head? And the hag laughed, for she knew well the hell she had stirred without actually saying any meaningful prophecy at all!

 

Jaime sighed deeply. In spite of not taking the prophecy seriously, he should have taken his sister's belief in the prophecy seriously! He should have helped her understand the words of the old hag were not foreshadowings written in stone! He should have helped his sister cope with it, instead of swiping her dirt underneath a carpet and pretend it was not there.

 

 _"You do not believe me..."_ Cersei told him then and countless times after.

 

 _"What I do not believe in are witches and curses, white walkers and dragons and whatnot... and neither should you!"_ And Jaime wanted to laugh at his younger self for that.

 

 _"Jaime... please!"_ Cersei begged him.  _"Father told me about Rhaegar and Elia the very next day after I saw the witch! What she predicted is already happening and I am losing my mind! Don't you see it, Jaime? Queen Rhaella will die! She is weak and tormented and cannot bear healthy children! She will die! And when she does, Father will force me to marry King Aerys! The old disgusting man will play with me for a time, until I make him some children who actually survive past the age of three and then he will pick another... younger and more beautiful... who will cast me down and add to his litter of infants! He will lock me in some damned tower, the way he does now with the Queen, and I will never see the light of day again! When Aerys dies, his countless children will murder each other for the throne and my babies will be killed by their half-siblings... everything the witch said... everything will come to pass..."_   

 

Then and now, Jaime looked at Cersei in disbelief. The young lion felt shivers down the spine at the craziness leaving his sweet sister's lips. By his fire, Jaime blamed himself. He should have known Cersei's distress would not be something temporary! He should have realised it even then! In the same manner those dark thoughts had taken a toll on her delicate body, they took their toll on her soul!

 

Yet emotions were not something the young lion understood! Unable to comprehend it was her heart he needed to protect, Jaime drew his sword and protected her body. For all those years he had done nothing but protect a carcass, while his sister slipped away and lost herself right before his eyes!

 

An empty vow...

 

 _“My sweet sister… do you trust me?”_ The young lion asked falling on his knees before her. He took the wine from her hands and placed it underneath the chaise. He took her hands into his and kissed them softly. 

 

 _“More than I trust anyone else in the world…”_  Cersei whispered through tears.

 

 _“Then believe me when I say that I will never allow anything to happen to you! For as long as I live, no harm will befall you! I will protect you! I will protect your children! I will keep you safe! Fuck prophecy! Fuck fate! Fuck witches and kings! Nothing matters more than you! Not for me! If I have to fight the whole damned world for you to own and rule it, then I will fight the whole damned world! I would kill for you, start wars for you, kidnap you and take you somewhere safe if needed! I will make sure you will get the life you deserve! Love, nothing else matters… only you…”_ He rose and pressed his lips on hers.

 

Jaime remembered his sister melting in his embrace... a frightened little girl. A lovely little flower. Alone, lonely, uncared for. How could he not love her? How could he not spend his life protecting her? His sister had no one else! In their childhood, Jaime was her everything and she was his! As their father was not allowing them to pray to the Seven, Cersei worshipped him and he worshipped her. They were one.

 

The young lion's lips left his sister's. He pressed a kiss on her cheek. Whether they made out like lovers or kissed each other chastely, Jaime used to tell himself it meant nothing. It was a habit between siblings. And when he dreamt of her naked in his bed at Crakehall, he lied to himself that he merely missed having her near...

 

"You bloody fool..." Jaime hissed at his younger self.

 

 _"Tell me what you've done with the body..."_ The youngster asked taking his lips to his sister's forehead.

 

"Yes, Cersei, tell me what you've done with the body... make me sell my soul for you and make me ruin yours in the process..." Jaime whispered towards the flames.

 

 _“I threw her to the lions… but Jaime…"_ Cersei bit her lips. _"They did not eat her... it's been four days and they did not eat her! It might be the poison... but if her body is not ripped apart before feeding day, they will find her! They are looking for her already... I told people I believed she ran off with a smith boy she fell for... but those lions need to eat her or they will find her body at feeding day!"_ She whispered, burning tears trailing down her cheekbones.  

 

 _“Worry not, they will not find her! I will get rid of the body."_ The young lion said and turned on his heels at once. Fast as a feline, his sister grabbed his hand.

 

_“Jaime, there’s five lions in there! It’s one thing to throw a corpse in and an entirely different thing to retrieve it…”_

 

 _“I will take it out all the same!"_ He chuckled smugly.  

 

 _“Jaime! There’s five lions in there!"_ Cersei repeated desperately. _"Lions you cannot kill, for Father will notice!”_

 

The young lion closed the gap between them and dragged her to his arms. He leaned in and rubbed his nose on hers. Breathing on her lips, he smiled and whispered: _"I said I would get rid of the body..."_

 

 _"Take me with you..."_ Cersei whispered claiming his lips. _"I am nothing when you are not here with me! I am a hopeless, weak puppet in Father's hands. He does not care about me, he would never protect me the way you do... I do not want to have to live without you! And if you get yourself killed... I'll be right after you giving myself to the lions..."_

 

There had always been lions at Casterly Rock. Sometimes more, sometimes fewer, but usually five. They dwelled beneath the castle itself. Being atop of a massive cliff, the Lannister ancestral home was built in terraces. The lions' roamed freely on the lower terrace in a garden of their own. The enclosure was delimited by the cliff itself on one side and by an iron fence plated in gold at the edge. Right beneath the lions' garden, the ever angry Sunset Sea was crashing its waves against the rock. That garden spread across half the perimeter of the cliff and was a beauty to look at from the upper terraces. The five beasts themselves were grandiose, an alpha with four lionesses.

 

Every fortnight, after the Rock's trials, those punishable by death were hanged and their bodies fed to the lions. Seeing a corpse dismembered around the garden was not unusual. However, what one seeking to hide a murder needed to ensure was that the corpse remained out of sight long enough for it to be no longer recognisable. Had the lions eaten the corpse right away, there would have been no issue. Yet they had not! The body was not decomposing fast enough and feeding day was in three days!

 

There were only two ways into the garden - both through the maze of tunnels penetrating the cliff upon which Casterly Rock stood tall. Jaime remembered well how he and Cersei descended beneath their castle and made their way through the tunnels. Cersei had chosen to drop the body through the narrower entrance. And yet, the tunnel was wide enough and well lit. At its very end, where the barred gate was, it was showered in sunlight. His sister had not gone over herself with the disposal, she simply did what was usually done with the criminals' bodies - she opened the gate for a short while, threw the corpse in and closed it back. It was thus left to the lions themselves to drag their meat away from the gate, someplace more comfortable to feast.

 

Looking through the bars, the twins observed the garden for several long moments. Melara's body was within easy reach. It laid face down some fifty meters away from the gate. The lions seemed to have considered the menu for a while, before the poison made them refuse to devour her.

 

None of the beasts was in sight. Nothing moved. The lazy felines must have been sleeping in the sun somewhere.

 

The young lion decided to get on with it and finish quickly. He opened the gate and walked inside the garden. Cersei remained at the entrance, keeping the exit opened for him, while looking diligently around. Jaime walked cautiously to the corpse. He took one good look around before he bent over, picked the stinking sack of meat and bones and threw it over his shoulders. He walked back towards his sister at a considerably faster pace, while trying to prevent himself from throwing up at the repulsive smell and texture.

 

Halfway to Cersei, he saw her eyes widening and her mouth opening to scream his name. He did not hear her, for her scream was covered by a loud roar.    

 

Jaime dropped Melara’s body and spun on the spot, drawing his sword. The male lion was walking his way from the right side, baring its fangs and lowering its body to prepare for an attack. Jaime gripped his sword tightly, preparing as well.

 

 _"Use the darts!"_ Cersei shouted and, with the corner of his eye, he saw her stepping inside the garden without hesitation. She picked stones from the ground and threw them furiously at the lion while walking towards it.

 

 _"Get the fuck out!"_ Jaime screamed as the lion turned its attention to Cersei and roared.

 

 _"Use the darts, Jaime!"_ Cersei shouted again still distracting the lion. Dropping his sword, Jaime took the slingshot from one pocket and carefully removed the arrowheads from the other. He unwrapped the three finger-small darts, whose needle-sharp ends had been dipped in a paste of pure Nightshade. Whereas the diluted essence was strong enough to put a man to sleep, the paste was strong enough to stone a large beast for hours. Jaime bent and picked two stones and threw them at the lion, trying to distract it away from his sister.

 

 _"Come at me, boy!"_ Jaime challenged the beast and prepared his slingshot. The lion charged Jaime's way. He waited for the split of a moment for the animal to get closer and then, with great precision, shot the darts one after another. They hit the lion in the muzzle, above the left eye and in the middle of the forehead. The lion roared in pain and leapt forward, claws first. The poison numbed it mid-air and the heavy beast fell to the ground. Jaime took three steps back, but it had not been enough. The strong paws knocked Jaime to the ground and the lion's head fell heavily on his chest. Jaime stared terrified into the lion’s eyes and saw the beast's fury at its helplessness. The animal tried to roar, but could not. It managed only to open its mouth slightly and tried to throw its head forward. With one of the fangs, the lion scratched Jaime's chin from the bottom of his lower lip and all the way to his neck, before falling soundly asleep.

 

Jaime screamed and Cersei screamed his name. She ran to him and fell to her knees beside him. Somewhere not far enough, another roar.

 

 _“Jaime, Jaime… are you hurt?”_ She asked trying to push the lion off her brother.

 

 _“My face! It cut my face…”_ Jaime complained trying to slide from underneath the beast.

 

 _“Are you serious, Jaime!?”_ Cersei hissed exasperated, while promptly picking the darts off the lion's head. _“I thought you were going to die and you whine about your stupid face!? The lionesses are coming, get up! Get up! Get up! Get up!”_ She shouted hitting the lion as mad to tilt it off her brother.

 

 _“I will have a scar on my face!”_ Jaime lamented getting himself free. _"Get out! Go, Cersei, run!"_ He commanded his sister, while he rushed to Melara's body. He shoved her over his shoulder and ran towards the gate as well, a couple of feet behind Cersei. He knew that at least one lioness was right behind them, but there was no time for turning around! They had to run and hope no beast would leap on them from behind.

 

Somehow they made it out of the gardens and Cersei managed to close the gate just as the lioness jumped on it. Jaime threw Melara on the ground and turned the key four times. Cersei fell to her knees and started crying in relief.

 

After catching their breaths, Jaime and Cersei took Melara's body down the tunnels and descended into one of the cliff's largest caves. At flux, the cave was half-flooded. At reflux, it opened in the only patch of land Casterly Rock could call a beach. Luckily for them, the Sunset Sea was on reflux. Without saying a word to his sister, Jaime set Melara in flames and walked outside the cave.

 

The young lion stopped on the wet sand and stared into the sunset. Jaime stared at him into the flames. His heart started racing for he knew what his younger self was thinking about - he had just retrieved a body from a garden of lions, he had just covered a murder by burning the corpse, and all he cared for was his face. The young lion touched his chin with his right hand in order to wipe some more blood off it, yet the bleeding would not stop. Jaime lifted his left hand to the scar on his chin... except there was none.

 

"Cersei, go away!" Jaime willed his sister when he saw her into the flames walking towards his younger self. "Cersei, please, I beg of you... just go away, leave him alone..."

 

 _"I will have a scar..."_  The young lion whispered when he felt his sister stopped beside him.

 

 _"No..."_ Cersei replied softly. The young lion turned his head towards her and his sister cupped his face in her small hands. She looked deeply into his eyes. _"I will take care of it..."_ She whispered imitating him and the next thing he knew, his sister’s tongue found its way to the bleeding cut. She licked his chin from his neck to his lip very slowly. Then she licked her lips at the taste of his blood.

 

 _“Cersei, what are you doing?”_  He asked swallowing hard.

 

 _“Just what lions do… I will make it go away! No scar on your pretty face, dear brother, I swear it on my life!”_ She said and licked his chin again and then again. The youngster’s heart started pounding and his lower body reacted in a highly unwanted way. When Cersei licked him for a fourth time, he pushed her slowly away.

 

 _“You’ll have to stop…”_ He said weakly.

 

In the White Sword Tower, Jaime stood up from the armchair and turned his back to the flames! He shook his head several times to make the memory go away. The harder he tried to not think of it, the more vividly the images formed. It was all the flames' fault! Jaime looked around for a bucket of water. He was eager to put the fire out and let the room grow dark and cold, rather than relive his greatest mistake...

 

Yet it was not the flames' fault. The images were in his head, tormenting him from within! And no amount of fire or darkness would make the memories change their course...

 

_“I will not... If you are left with an ugly scar on your face, you will blame me forever! And I could not bear it... I could not bear you hating me, Jaime!”_

 

Cersei's tongue traced the young lion's bleeding chin again. Jaime and his younger self gasped in unison - the former in horror, the second in pleasure. As Jaime tried to push the images away, the young lion pulled his sister closer pressing his erection to her for a long second! Then, he too pushed her away, more harshly than the first time.

 

 _“Cersei… on all Gods, if you do it again, I will fuck you…”_ The young man said hoarsely.

 

 _“But I am your sister…”_ Cersei frowned.

 

 _“I know… but lick my face again and I will fuck you all the same!”_ A promise? A threat? A mistake.

 

 _“How can you desire me? I am ugly… my hair is short and rare. My face is spotted… the meat melted off me and you can see my bones…”_ His sister whispered heartbreakingly.

 

_“You think I desire you for how you look? Cersei, you could be the ugliest girl in the whole of Westeros and I would desire you all the same!”_

 

 _“Why?”_ Cersei asked looking mesmerised.

 

Jaime felt his heart breaking to a million pieces and no matter how hard he wished it had been different, he could not stop the past from happening. No matter how much he hated and cursed himself for it, Jaime did not have the power to stop the young lion from taking advantage of a vulnerable girl.

 

He promised to protect her, yet he used her like the rest of them!

 

_“Because you are a part of me and I love you…”_

 

Cersei's eyes widened and sparkled in disbelief. Trembling, she took his face into her hands and licked his chin.

 

Jaime sighed in his room, while in his mind the young lion scooped Cersei up and took her to the cave. He laid her on the cold ground and lifted her skirts. Cersei wrapped her arms around him and sought his lips.

 

The golden lion of Lannister took his sister then and there, for the first time, as the corpse of the girl she had murdered and he had helped her get rid of was burning behind them. He took his sister then and there, for the first time, utterly oblivious - or rather merely ignoring the fact that she only did it out of low self-esteem.

 

The golden lion of Lannister! A narcissistic, entitled, hypocritical twat! - Jaime snarled.

 

A sweet little girl withering life flowers in the sun... a sweet little girl tormented by a witch... a sweet little girl who had driven herself sick with worry... a sweet little girl abandoned by the Prince she loved... a sweet little girl locked away by her father... a sweet little girl pushed off the edge by her closest friend... a sweet little girl at the lowest point in her life... and he took her then and there. A final nail in the coffin of her pure soul.

 

A sweet little girl never to be sweet again.

 

"Just you wait until the tables turn and she gets atop..." Jaime whispered to himself. "Little girls don't stay little forever and she'll make you pay years and decades for the fact that you chose a scar on her soul over a scar on your face..."

 

He sighed walking back to his armchair by the fire.

 

He felt exhausted. Tormented. Somewhere down the line between Aerys killing Jaime's dreams of glory and Robert killing Cersei's dreams of love, the tables turned. The more Jaime's sick love for her grew, the more Cersei's awe for him faded away. In time there was no awe left. Somewhere down the line, between the first fuck and the first child, he ceased being her knight in shining armour and he became her watchdog. She ceased being the damsel who repaid his services with lovemaking and reduced him to the whore she fucked when she wanted, how she wanted...  _if_ she wanted.

 

Jaime looked into the fire and allowed his mind to think again of that first time he had made Cersei his...

 

She allowed him to do it. She consented to it... and if he were to be fair to his younger self, Jaime had to admit there had been no vile intention in his act, nor premeditation. He did not want to abuse her, to own her. He did not do it to claim the debt for his corpse retrieving services. He did it because he could not think clearly, because he missed her, because their bond had been unusual for years... he did it because, as their bodies changed, his mind became confused, his feelings conflicted and conflicting. Mostly he did it because she licked the blood off his face! Seven hells - he did it for a million reasons... none of which remotely close to wanting to hurt her.

 

But he did hurt her all the same...

 

He's hurt Cersei, even if he did not realise it! Alas - even if  _she_ did not realise it!

 

Their incestuous affair was built on murder and power play...

 

No wonder it had always run its course in between murders and power play...

 

Yet, at fourteen, none of them saw how rotten they were becoming. They both left the cave more satisfied than tormented, more convinced than ever that they were meant to be one, that their destiny was one. Cersei had licked Jaime's blood, he had made her flower bleed. They each claimed the other's blood as their own.

 

Cersei let a veil fall over the reality of what had happened that day, so she would not have to cope with it. She chose to see it as the end of her nightmare and pushed the wrongness of it down inside, unaware of how deeply the darkness of it would plant its roots within her soul.

 

It was not the ending of a downfall, but the beginning of it, for both of them.

 

The next time they saw each other, over breakfast the following day, the golden lion's long mane had been cut short.

 

 _"What happened to your hair?!"_ Tywin demanded to know when his son sat at the table. Tyrion and Cersei frowned at him as well.

 

 _"I thought it inappropriate to have it longer than my sister's."_  Jaime replied simply, getting a smile out of Cersei and a loud laugh out of Tyrion.

 

 _"And what in the name of sanity happened to your chin?"_ Tywin snarled.

 

 _“I..."_  He took a second to consider how to tell his father he had fucked his sister, without telling his father he had fucked his sister. _"... threw myself, head first, into dark waters."_

 

Tywin's green eyes burnt like wildfire. _“Are you allowed to dive off cliffs into the sea?”_

 

Jaime looked at Cersei and she looked at him: _“No father, I am most definitely not allowed…”_

 

_“You are the future of House Lannister! Your reckless arrogant behaviour puts that future in danger! You are lucky you merely scratched your chin in the damned rocks from underneath! You could have crushed your skull or broken your spine! If you ever do it again and I find out, I will smack you so hard I will give you a deep scar to remember me by! Are we understood?”_

 

 _“Yes, father…”_  The young lion promised, despite knowing it was a lie. For the two weeks they were together at Casterly Rock, they met in the dark tunnels beneath the castle, in their cave by the sea, and any other snake hole they could find. Cersei licked his chin with passionate dedication and he fucked her mindlessly.

 

 _If it feels wrong, it must be wrong..._ His sister had told him at the age of eight. And for the life of him, it never felt wrong.   

 

On his final day at Casterly Rock, the young lion went to his sister's chambers. She too was packing her chests for the return to King’s Landing. She looked slightly better, for Jaime had made her eat properly during those weeks. Their father allowed them to spend much of their time together, for Jaime convinced him he would get his sister back on her feet in no time. His father was so good at dismissing what was in front of his own eyes, that Jaime knew he could have fucked Cersei in front of him and the old man would have still not believed it to be true.

 

 _“My sweet sister…”_  He said bowing his head respectfully. Behind him, a footboy entered with a wooden box, beautifully covered in red velvet, a golden JC embroidered on it. The boy left the box on Cersei’s lounge, as Jaime directed him and left.

 

 _“Dear brother…”_ Cersei smiled politely.

 

 _“I have a departing present for you, but I would very much like to give it to you in private... if your good Septa would allow it.”_ Cersei’s Septa nodded and left the room, leaving the twins alone.

 

 _“It breaks my heart that we have to part again…”_   He said walking towards her. Cersei met him half way and wrapped her arms around his neck.

 

_“I don’t want to go to King’s Landing, Jaime! Especially now that the Martell bitch will be there! How will I bear being a maid for the one who took what was rightfully mine? I don’t want to go, Jaime… please take me with you… I will be good, I promise! You have to take me with you, you vowed no harm would befall me as long as you live! Isn’t humiliation counting as harm?”_

 

Jaime kissed her tenderly and smiled. How he loved when she was playing the part of a needy cat for him!  _“There is nothing I would want more than to take you with me… but you know I cannot do that! It would be a scenario more fantastic to believe than dragons meeting white walkers! And yes, you are right, humiliation does count as harm. But I am a man of my word! I take my vows seriously!"_ He smiled brighter than the sun. _"Go on! Open your present!"_

 

Cersei looked at him and bit her lips in expectation. She turned on her heels and walked towards the beautiful box. She ran her fingers over the golden letters: _"JC... how poetic..."_ She whispered in half irony, while opening the wooden box.

 

 _"JAIME!"_ She exclaimed wholeheartedly, covering her face with her hands. 

 

 _"You like it?"_ He asked still beaming, while Cersei took out the golden wig. _"I had it made for you..."_

 

 _“It’s your hair…”_ Cersei whispered tears gathering in her eyes. Jaime nodded proudly. _“You cut your golden lion mane for me…”_

 

 _“I’d cut my heart out for you!"_ He laughed walking to her. _"Besides, hair grows back… yours and mine as well. But until it does, you need a mane in King’s Landing more than I need one at Crakehall…”_ Cersei smiled and her cheeks turned red. _“Come on… put it on…”_  He prompted her and she did not wait to be asked twice. When she was done, the young lion helped her arrange it properly and walked her to the mirror. Cersei admired herself with a smile growing brighter and wider.

 

Jaime looked into the flames at his sister. All dolled up in the wig made out of his own hair, she looked more beautiful than the sun itself! For a moment, a precious moment, he saw Cersei as he did when they were eight... an utter angel!

 

"Oh, Cers..." Jaime whispered falling to his knees in front of the hearth. "What have I done to you? What have you done to me?"

 

As the flames burned before his eyes, Jaime made up his mind to confront Cersei the following day. One way or another, he would have the long due conversation they needed to have. One way or another, he would make their relationship right! One way or another he would apologise for his mistakes and make her apologise to him for hers! He would not take silence for an answer!

 

Lost in his mind, Jaime did not realise he had started crying, while leaning dangerously close to the flames, drawn by the mirage of his sweet sister at the end of her innocence.

 

"Jaime... please get away from the fire..." He heard Brienne whispering terrified.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little walk down memory lane... I hope you all enjoyed it!
> 
> I have to admit I poured my brain (and heart) out writing this chapter! It was one of the most challenging pieces I have written so far, for so many reasons... Hope I did a good job guiding you around the two Jaimes and their different emotions. Hope you can tell which of them did/said what. Hope at least the italics helped where my writing didn't... huh. *breaths anxiously* *calms down*
> 
> Looking forward to hearing your thoughts on the chapter!
> 
> I also gotta say that Jaime's reminiscence includes canon details (such as Jaime's squiring, the prophecy, or Melara's death), but the vast majority of info is just serving this fic. Xx


	17. Stormlands storm at Casterly Rock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Taking the suggestion of dear Bellatrix_Wannabe_89, I tried something new in this chapter - namely a look into Brienne's mind as the story progresses through Jaime's PoV.
> 
> You will probably notice it - but I thought I would make the little note anyway, for double measure.
> 
> ~ Brienne's thoughts and emotions are written like this in Italics throughout the chapter. ~
> 
> If you guys like it, I might do it again (and with Cersei too).
> 
> Hope you'll enjoy! Xx

_[_ _Lost in his mind, Jaime did not realise he had started crying, while leaning dangerously close to the flames, drawn by the mirage of his sweet sister at the end of her innocence._

_"Jaime... please get away from the fire..." He heard Brienne whispering terrified.]_

 

Startled, Jaime turned his head towards the door. Brienne was standing there, in the doorframe, petrified and yet shaking, looking at him with fear and horror written all over her expressive face.

 

He gulped and rose to his feet at once. When his eyes met hers, the storm inside his head calmed and the mirages faded into nothingness. The room looked suddenly brighter.

 

He had no idea why Brienne came to him - probably for nothing good, judging by the look on her face. Something bad must have happened for sure, but he could not bring himself to care in that very moment. He needed a second - a heartbeat - to care for nothing other than Brienne being back there at last! Any disaster that had caused the miracle could give him that much... 

 

Jaime took a step towards her, but when Brienne exhaled loudly in relief and pressed a hand on her heart - as if thankful she had just dodged an arrow - he stopped his tracks and frowned deeply, unsure of what had earned him that reaction. He understood why she had been distant, coldly polite, resolute... but this!? Brienne looked devastatingly afraid! Where had this come from? What had happened? What had the mad queens done? Why was Brienne there?

 

And the storm unleashed again, blood pumping through his heart, a thousand of horrific scenarios crossing his mind at once.

 

"Jaime... you..." And any other words dried in her throat.

 

 _~ ... you... you... Her mind went black. ~_  

 

Brienne's eyes drifted to the fire, then back to him. Fear! Fear like he had never seen her feel before. Jaime shuddered at it. He did not understand what could cause such fea... - then he gasped and his wet eyes widening in shock!

 

Not Cersei. Not Daenerys. He was the cause of that fear! 

 

Jaime looked at the stunned woman in front of him, then he turned his eyes towards the fire - the way she had done a moment earlier. Then he looked back at her and back at the fire... back at her... at the fire... at Brienne... at the fire... Brienne... the fire... Brienne... 

 

“Oh!" He exclaimed, his mouth falling open like the one of a mindless man. "No… no… no…” He shook his head so fiercely that he could feel the waters of the Sunset Sea flooding his brain. "No... no... really... really no!" Jaime repeated adamantly, resuming his attempt at getting near her. He walked towards the door very - but very slowly, while putting his arm and stump up. Afraid not to give her any other cause of concern, Jaime wanted to make it clear that he was yielding – despite there not being any need for it! There truly was nothing to worry about, he thought as he swallowed hard, struggling to find the right words in the mists of the storm raging inside his head.

 

“I was not trying to…” Jaime whispered unsurely. “You thought I was going to, but I was not…” He looked at her and sighed. He felt hopeless and his tongue seemed uneager to help him out. The words refused to break through the clouds and leave his mouth. Brienne bit her lips to hold back tears and that made Jaime groan in frustration. “I was not!" He exclaimed loudly. Maybe too loudly, for Brienne was startled. Jaime clenched his teeth and breathed in and out.

 

"Brienne… no… I was not... I would never…" He failed again and resigned himself with the thought. It seemed like  _'I was not'_ was the best he could come up with. She surely knew what he meant, so he settled for adding softly: "How can you think that?”

 

For the longest time, she did not reply and he did not say any other word. They were both petrified, standing awkwardly - her in the doorframe with a hand still clutching at her heart and the other gripping an old book and him mere feet away with his arms risen in surrender. It any other context, it would have been quite amusing.

 

_~ The heavy silence helped her mind flicker weakly. It was not much, but it was more than numbing blackness. 'How can you think that?' echoed as silently as a whisper. How could she think that? How could she think that? Was she wrong in assuming he would hurt himself? Was she just imagining it? How could she just imagine it!?  ~_

 

“Jaime, what am I to think..." Brienne whispered. “Can... can you blame me?" She added faintly. "I entered your room and found you on your knees, mere inches from the fire, crying, leaning in and looking like the deepest hell…”

 

_~ The feeling of guilt clawing at her chest was left unsaid. She could not tell him she blamed herself. His sister had been torturing and tormenting him ever since she opened her damn eyes... and what had she done? Nothing - nothing other than help Cersei break him! She had been selfish... she had focused on her own feelings, her own problems and failed to see Jaime fading away before her eyes! ~_

 

Jaime let his arms down and smiled softly at her words. Despite the tragedy of their situation, his broken heart began beating twice as hard at the thought of Brienne worrying for his wellbeing, at the thought of her still caring so deeply for him.

 

“My Lady…” He whispered lovingly, bridging the gap between them and stopping mere inches from her. His hand went to her heart, where her palm still rested and his fingers tangled with hers. “… ever since I left Winterfell my life has been a descent through the Seven Hells. I do not deny that, as of recent, I have reached the deepest… and I am sure I look the part, just as you say, but I would never…” He swallowed hard, squeezing her hand, and added weakly. “I would never do it… you sure know that, my Lady!”

 

Brienne shook her head slowly, a solitary tear escaping her left eye. “I really do not, Jaime… I do not know it, for I have seen you want to kill yourself before…”

 

“It’s different now…” Jaime assured her, for it was the plain truth. The whole situation was entirely different than back when he had lost his sword hand. It was worse. Much... much worse! Succumbing to numbness and dying slowly had been an easier way to end one's life than battling inner storms and currents of dark waters. But at the same time, the stakes for living were infinitely higher now than they had been back then.

 

“My Lady, I am sorry you saw me like that… I am sorry for the upset it has caused you... for the fear, the pain, the trouble... please, forgive me! I was not going to harm myself! I swear it by whatever you hold dear! I was just at the end of a very hard day and I got lost in my own head… my emotions took the best of me... but I assure you - I will live!”

 

_~ His words felt like a dagger through her chest! Oh, how she hated when Jaime spoke to her like that! How she hated to see that veil of faux nobility descent between them! How she hated when he treated her with silk gloves as if they had not seen each other at their lowest, as if they had not walked through mud and blood tied to each other, as if they had not been through hell and back together, as if she was not his equal... ~_

 

“Jaime…” Brienne looked at him sadly. “Please, don’t…”

 

“Please, don’t… live?” He said in mild sarcasm.

 

Brienne rolled her eyes, taking her hand off his: “You know well what I mean! Please, don’t ‘my Lady’ me… please don’t speak ‘highborn’ to me… please don’t do…” She looked at him and gestured at his behaviour. “… don’t do all this! Just don't!” She clenched her teeth and hissed resolutely: "Stop it before I lose it!" 

 

Jaime sighed and walked back, putting more distance between them. When he spoke, his voice was harsher than he would have wanted it to be: “Sometimes I wonder what in the Seven Hells is wrong with you to prefer me at my worst! To handle my outbursts and insults better than a nice word or a soft touch!" He saw her body tensing and threw his arms in the air, exasperated. If a storm is what she wanted to see...

 

"Fine! You will get what you want! So tell me Ser Tarth! What do you want to know? What do you want to hear? A confession? That I am losing my grip on reality? That I hear voices in my head? That there's a storm raging on in there, destroying my mind? Is that it? Or you merely want to hear that you are right? By all means, yes, yes! You are right! The thought of ending my life did cross my mind every now and then! Yes - the idea of putting a stop to this misery brings me comfort! You want to hear more? How about... the current living situation we have in this ivory tower amounts to torture! How about... Cersei is pushing me to do something stupid! Is that it? Should I also say that you turning your back on me is not helping at all? Is that what you want to hear?”

 

_~ No! No! No! By all Gods, it was not what she wanted to hear! But it was every bit of what she feared she would hear! ~_

 

“Well, _my Lady_!" Jaime hissed more offensively than he had ever made 'wench' sound. "It is the truth and nothing but the truth! I want to die! Did you really want to hear me say it? Well, I will say it again! Hear it again! Hear me roar it if it pleases you! I want to die! I want to burn at last - as I should have burnt years ago!"

 

_~ By all Gods, she was going to throw up. ~_

 

"But NO! I will not die! I will endure this misery of life and I will fight the storm because I promised you I would never leave you again! Get it into your thick head, you stubborn wench! I will fucking never leave you again!”

 

_~ She felt crushed. The flicker stopped, dark fog descended and his storm... his storm... his storm began howling in her mind as well. ~_

 

Before he could say anything else - or calm down for that matter - Brienne broke before his eyes. The book she held slammed heavy on the floor and she fell to her knees bursting into tears. Jaime's heart stopped and his insides revolted as if after receiving a hard punch in the gut. Would he ever learn to hold his bitter tongue?

 

Rushing to her, he fell to his knees. He wanted nothing more than to drag her to his chest and apologise for what he had said. But Brienne got to him first - she wrapped her arms around his middle and let her head fall on his shoulders. For a long second, the surprise at her reaction rendered him numb. Then his arms enveloped her and Jaime held her tightly.

 

"I am sorry... I am so sorry..."

 

_~ The storm.... the storm kept raging in the blackness of her mind! Heavy storm! Stormlands storm... and through the thunders, Cersei's voice echoed in her mind. 'If you do not want him dead... it's you who has to let him go... if you do not want him dead, let him go... let him go!" No. She did not want to! She did not want to let him go! She could not let him go and no amount of threats would make her do it! She would not! She would not! She would not! He was not safe with Cersei! He was not even safe on his own! She had to protect him! She had to keep him close to her! So very close... and having her arms around his middle was not close enough! She wanted him closer! No! She needed him closer! She needed him inside her! Inside her very soul... where she knew she could protect him! Where no harm would ever befall him! Her hands moved up his back, grabbing his shoulder from behind. She pulled closer! That was better... not good enough, but better! She dug her fingers into his shoulders and she felt Jaime's embrace growing stronger in response. He was suffocating her! Good! She was bruising his shoulders! Also good! That was closer... not close enough... but closer... ~  _

 

Brienne cried harder and harder and harder, losing control over her sobbing. Jaime tried to whisper words of comfort to her, but they did not seem to reach her ears. He felt hopeless! He felt guilty! He had done that to her! His stupid impulsive nature had done that to her! Brienne kept crying while holding onto him for dear life - while gripping tightly at his shoulders as if refusing to let go. His heart skipped beats as panic washed over him at seeing Brienne shattered like that. With the risk of suffocating her, Jaime did not loosen his embrace either. He repeated to her over and over and over again _'I am sorry, I am sorry, forgive me... I am sorry, I am sorry...'_ but Brienne sobbed so hard she started breathing with difficulty. When she nearly choked on her tears, Jaime broke the embrace and grabbed her by her right shoulder, while resting his stump on her arm:

 

“Brienne… Brienne, look at me! Look at me! Just look at me!” Brienne’s blue eyes looked into his, but she did not seem able to calm down. “Breathe… breathe… huuuuu… come on, love, breathe with me… huuuu… huuuuuu…” Jaime inhaled and exhaled deeply and his knight started following suit. “Look at me and breathe… huuuu… slowly... huuuuu…”  Jaime's hand travelled up her shoulder, caressing her neck before cupping her face. With his thumb, he wiped away her tears and stared deeply into her eyes still encouraging her to breathe. 

 

“You’re alright, my love… and I am alright... and we will be alright...” He promised her, as Brienne slowly regained her composure.

 

_~ Huuuuu... huuuuuu... breathe with him... huuuu... slowly... huuuuu... the thunders faded... huuuuu... she was alright... huuuuu... he was alright.... huuuu... they... they... would be... alright... huuuu... would they though? ~_

 

Jaime helped her to her feet and, taking her hand into his, walked her to the armchair by the fire. He then turned on his heels and went to pick up her book and to close the door to his room. When his eyes fell on the title, Jaime held back the urge of rolling them. Would that damned _Dragonkin_ stop making appearances in his life? Cersei had been glued to it for years! Then Tyrion picked the disease! And now Brienne? What was Brienne doing with that book and with the other one about dragons he's seen in her room that one time he had been there? He wanted to ask her about it, but the time was far from right. Pushing the thoughts of dragons deeply inside his mind, Jaime took the book to the nearest table. Then he went to pour Brienne a cup of strawberry syrup to sweeten her blood.

 

Handing her the goblet, Jaime could not help but think how he had lived that exact scene before, with Cersei, years and years ago and then again while looking into the fire earlier that night... everything felt disturbingly similar... the kneeling... the crying... the breathing...

 

Dread overwhelmed him. The feeling of deja-vu was so pronounced, Jaime suddenly expected to hear the screams...

 

 _Jaime, I killed her!_... the voice of his distressed twin was calling him from across time!

 

 _Jaime, I killed her!_ ... except it did not sound like Cersei's voice.

 

 _Jaime, I killed her!_ ... it was Brienne's.

 

 _Jaime... Jaime... Jaime..._ Cersei and Brienne called his name in unison, fighting for his attention. Thunders and bolts of lightning and he could no longer distinguish what was real and what was not.

 

"Jaime!" Brienne called his name. She seemed real enough. But then again, so did Cersei.

 

He could not keep up with them both! They were going to drive him mad! He had to follow one voice... just one voice...

 

 _Jaime, I killed her!_... he followed Brienne's.

 

 _I killed her, Jaime..._ what difference did it make, when Brienne shouted the same thing as Cersei?

 

_Jaime, I killed her... I killed Cersei!_

 

"Jaime!" Brienne frowned.

 

His hand was shaking so hard on the goblet, that he feared he would drop it. Why was she there? Did she kill Cersei? No! No! No! It could not be that... It was not why Brienne was there! She was not there to tell him she had killed his sister... Brienne would never... she would not... Brienne was there for him! She was there for him! She truly worried for his well-being... but his well-being was just fine...

 

"Jaime, are you alright..." He saw her frowning. She looked exhausted, yet she still cared whether he was alright. Brienne was there for him - he tried to assure himself, struggling to keep the storm at bay.

 

"Yes, I am fine... just... just quite worried for you..." It was not a lie. It was also not the whole truth either. "Are _you_ alright?" Jaime asked her with a sad smile and forced his mind to remain focused and grounded in the present. "Come on... take the cup and drink up..." He could do it. He could focus on the present! He really could!

 

“Jaime, you know I do not drink wine…” Brienne shook her head.

 

 _"Jaime, there is wine under my bed... it helps me..."_ Cersei whispered in his head the way she had done then. Seven Hells how he hated the damned Gods! They were toying with his mind, making him see patterns in mere coincidences! Forcing him to think of his ghosts when all that really mattered was her...

 

“It’s not wine.” Jaime whispered, fighting hard to steady his mind. He could do it! He could focus on the present! 

 

Brienne was all that mattered!

 

 _Jaime, I killed her..._ Brienne's voice echoed in his mind.

 

No! No! No! Jaime's inner voice screamed trying to silence the echo. She did not kill 'her'! 

 

Brienne was good!

 

Brienne was innocent!

 

Brienne was pure... just like Cersei had been before killing Melara, his mind added, provoking him to anger...

 

His mind often did that! That was what his mind liked doing - to rage with the strength of waves hitting the cliff of Casterly Rock during storms...

 

His mind had to stop!

 

Or else he would have to stop it by himself!

 

For a moment, that thought was tempting. Jaime wondered whether hitting his head hard on the walls of the Tower would make the blizzard go away! Would the skies clear? Would the waves calm? Would Cersei stop casting her dark shadow over his beloved Brienne?

 

"Jaime... are you sure you are fine?" Brienne asked him, sounding alarmed.

 

_~ Was she just imagining it? Was he alright or was he truly seeing right through her? Her mind felt foggy... Why was she unable to read him? Was she merely paranoid? He said he was fine, thus he must have been fine! Yet, he did not seem fine... ~_

 

Brienne was nothing like Cersei! Nothing - nothing like Cersei at all! Brienne was not a murderer... a fighter - yes! a soldier... yes! but not a murderer... Brienne would never murder his sister, or anyone else for that matter! Brienne would never just murder in cold blood! She would never use tricks, or lies, or deceits on people close to her just to kill them sneakily afterwards...

 

 _QUEENSLAYER!_ The storm raged and he saw Brienne's hands covered in Targaryen blood.

 

"Perfectly fine!" Jaime assured her with a smile, or at least what he thought to be a smile. "Come on, take this and drink up!" 

 

"What is it?" Brienne asked him sceptically, reaching for the goblet. Their fingers brushed and all his muscles relaxed as if on a cue. A ray of sunshine pierced through the clouds, helping him to focus on her - the real her.

 

“It’s strawberry syrup, straight from Casterly Rock.” Brienne frowned and Jaime gave her a real smile - a smug one. “Don’t look so surprised my dear Lord Commander of the play-pretend Queensguard!" He said playfully, hoping that would raise her spirits and calm his ghosts. Bickering! He wanted that. He would do that!

 

"It's not a play-pretend Queensguard..." Brienne said rolling her eyes.

 

"Oh, yes, it is!" Jaime laughed arrogantly and she shook her head in annoyance. That made his heart light! 

 

Why was he even worrying himself about Brienne becoming a murderer? As if he would ever allow that to happen! As if he would just stand by to watch Brienne as she slew the Dragon Queen and darkened her soul in the process! No! That would never happen. The very second Brienne told him about that wretched plan of Bran's, Jaime knew it would fall on himself to kill the Mad King's daughter... and he could not wait to run her through his sword! He would stab her in the back and whisper in her ear from behind: _"Send my regards to your father!"_ Then he would cut her throat to ensure she did not rise again as a dragon!

 

"Stop disrespecting my Guard!" Brienne hissed.

 

"Your Guard is just you and a squire, pretending to protect a Queen you hate!" Jaime snarled. "How is that not play pretend?"

 

Brienne clenched her teeth. "Better just shut up and tell me how can this syrup be from Casterly Rock? I fear you are delusional. You know what I think? I think you might be having a life crisis..." She provoked him. "Is it just me, or you started having weird fantasies with Casterly Rock? When you tricked me into bedding you the other week, your mind was intoxicated by your ancestral home. You never once referred to your province as the Westerlands. You keep on calling it _the Rock_. That's not its name! It hasn't been in centuries. You think everything around you is about Casterly Rock... when it really, really is not! How is that not delusional?" She imitated him.

 

Jaime smirked. Brienne wanted to bicker as well. She needed their normalcy as much as he did and he was thankful for that.

 

Standing in front of her armchair, he leaned in, biting his lower lip. Fantasies with Casterly Rock? Yes, he had a couple... A tingling sensation in his lower body made him swallow hard. He felt aroused at the way 'Casterly Rock' sounded on Brienne's lips...  He should make her say 'Casterly Rock' again... maybe make her moan it...

 

He had to move a couple of steps away from her, or else his body threatened to  betray him.

 

Seven Hells! He was having a life crisis, wasn't he? And he did not mean the real crisis of having to accommodate two women and two children, the real crisis of having the world around him collapsing into chaos... No! He was having an old-man life crisis! That type of life crisis which came with a desperation of returning to one's roots... of going home... but... Casterly Rock was not his home.

 

"My dear _pretend_ Lord Commander, this _is_ from Casterly Rock. The reason is quite straight forward, to be honest. You see, I have called this Tower my home since I was an arrogant lion..."

 

"You still are an arrogant lion, my dear _former_ Lord Commander..." Brienne cut him and he snarled.

 

"... of sixteen! I wanted to say 'arrogant lion of sixteen'! If only you'd let me finish!" She laughed, which made him quite annoyed. He loved it. Normalcy.

 

"Please, do finish..." She invited him politely.

 

"I was merely trying to say that, as this Tower has been my home for decades, I know all its secrets! You know... just the small - unimportant - things such as passages in and out... or the place of a spare key to the room you lock me and my sister in!" Jaime winked wickedly as Brienne's eyes widened in shock. "But most importantly, I know where the finest Dornish vintage and the sweetest Highgarden rose jam is stashed, along with some other delicacies that made the Kingsguards’ delight... you know, the _real_ Kingsguards? I'll have you know that the Kingsguard's secret storeroom is more lavished than the royal one... in case you get pregnancy urges! This strawberry syrup is my own contribution to that stash – an old childhood favourite of mine! Utterly delicious... just try it already!”

 

Brienne looked at him stunned, battering her eyelashes uncontrollably: “There is a spare key to the Lord Commander’s apartments and you know where it is hidden?”

 

_~ He could have left... In all that time, he could have escaped the Tower with his sister! Maybe that was what Cersei was pushing him to do! She surely knew Jaime knew ways out... Just as well as she knew that if pushed hard enough, Jaime would snap... Cersei wanted him to do 'something stupid'... something like risking it all and leaving the Tower with her, in spite of the danger of Unsullied, Dothrakies, dragons and dragon Queens! Cersei wanted Jaime to do something stupid, but she wanted it to be his idea, his impulse, his fault! ~_

 

“Funny you should ask that!" Jaime smiled. "And you are right… strawberries are not that common in _the Rock_! We get them from the Reach, have them shipped to Lannisport in these special barrels…”

 

_~ What had she expected? A mature conversation with him about what he had just revealed? Well, of course not! Jaime was incapable of that! He either hid his emotions behind a mask or raged them out... He either took nothing seriously or took everything too seriously! There was no in-between with him! ~_

 

“Jaime Lannister!" Brienne hissed. "Why did you just let it slip there is a key you could have used to unlock yourself and the Queen?"

 

"She's not the Queen..." Brienne rolled her eyes and Jaime wondered how close to punching him was she.

 

"Is it true? There is at least a passage out of this tower, through which you could have taken yourself and  _the Queen_  and disappeared at any point during these past two week?”

 

“Yes, you are perfectly right..." Jaime nodded. "...about the strawberries not being fermented!" Brienne clenched her teeth and he smirked in satisfaction. It was incredible how fastly his mind calmed whenever he and Brienne settled in their natural rhythm. "There’s a secret to how that happens! In those barrels, one has to put this special powder made from…”

 

_~ All that time he could have left her. All that time he could have taken Cersei and his other child to safety... all that time, yet he did not... he did not leave her and their child... Jaime truly meant it, didn't he? He would never leave her again... ~_

 

Brienne looked at him with tears forming in her sapphire eyes. "What..." She tried to say but her voice broke. Taking in a deep breath, she blinked her tears away and cleared her voice. "What is that special powder made of..."

 

Jaime lifted his shoulders and bit his lips. They were both trying so hard! For that he adored her. He looked at Brienne with such love in his heart that she blushed: “I have to be honest with you and tell you that... I cannot disclose that information! It’s a well-kept secret of the hills of the Rock…”

 

_~ You don't bloody know how the syrup is made, do you? She thought knowing too well he was just trying hard to wind her up, to keep her there, near him. For that she adored him. How could one person make her life so easy and so difficult all at once? How could one person, within mere minutes, make her feel heavy as graphite and light as a feather? ~_

 

She shook her head with the attitude of a mother exasperated with her naughty child, but at last she took the goblet to her mouth. Jaime held his breath in expectation.

  

“Oh, Jaime!" Brienne exclaimed licking her lips. "Jaime! This truly is the most delicious thing I have tasted in my life!”

 

“I know!" He exclaimed joyfully and he would have clapped, had he had two hands. He leaned with his back on the hearth's mantle and looked at her, sitting in his armchair by the fire, sipping from the sweet syrup. It almost felt peaceful... it almost felt domestic...

 

"This is so good..." Brienne moaned.

 

"It's always good, but this one in particular is very fine! Not only is it well-aged now, but it was also made with extra diligence! A special delivery for my son's wedding..." Jaime said with a nod. "... the nasty one..." He added tilting his head slightly.

 

_~ ...'nasty son' or 'nasty wedding'? It mattered not, 'nasty' described just fine the groom and the event alike. But she surely was not going to mention it. ~_

 

“I do not understand how something unfermented could last for so long! Come on, just tell me what is that secret powder you claim it's being used? I am sure you, in fact, do not have the faintest idea of how the syrup is made!”

 

“I do know, wench!" Jaime hissed. "But I told you, it’s a secret of the hills of the Rock…” He lifted his shoulders and pouted his lips at her in an arrogant fashion. “… and you, Brienne of Tarth, are not from the Rock..." Jaime tilted his head provokingly and adventured to add: "... marry me and I will be able to tell you."

 

She sipped some more from the syrup and looked up at him. “I may not be from the Westerlands, but my child is! Tell him the secret. He is curious.”

 

"A _'yes, I will marry you'_   would have been a better answer..." Jaime sighed and she laughed. His eyes drifted to his feet as the clouds gathered and the waves began to stir their fury.

 

“You know…" Jaime said suddenly less amused. In his mind it was thundering already. "Your child will literally be called a _Hill_  of the Rock, unless you do something about it..."

 

Brienne shook her head. “No, my child will be called _Storm_ , for his mother is of Tarth! It makes more sense that way, as no one can know for sure who the father of a bastard is.” Jaime’s features hardened at her words, but she did not seem to notice.

 

_~ She did. Her heart skipped a beat seeing him tensing up... but she was not going to yield... ~_

 

“Or he will be called _Waters_ , if he is birthed in King’s Landing and I choose the local name…” Jaime clenched his teeth as the angry waves crashed on the cliff upon which Casterly Rock stood tall. But Brienne smiled softly. “Or better still... if the Gods are merciful and the war is over and we live, then…”

 

Jaime’s eyes widened and his mouth opened slightly. The Sunset Sea stopped its wave! His heart started pounding in expectation! Just say it... say it... _if the Gods are merciful and the war is over and we live then he will be a Lannister..._ Just say it!

 

_~ That look on his face was too hard to resist! His desire was transparent! Jaime waited for her to say his child would be a Lannister... and she wanted to say it, truly, but... the words came out all wrong... ~_

 

“… then I’d be back in Winterfell and the baby will be a _Snow_!”

 

Jaime leapt towards her like a lion attacking his prey! He leaned over her armchair, hand and stump pressed on the seatback, his body towering her, dominating her, his threatening face inches away from her. His green eyes fixated into hers and he looked ferocious!

 

“Shut up!” He hissed barring his teeth.

 

She was not his peace! She was his damned storm! The storm of the Stormlands storming Casterly Rock... tearing it apart! Unforgiving! Unyielding! 

 

_~ His anger made her heart race, her blood boil! Yes, Jaime! Fight... She yearned to see that in him - the strength, the determination, the will to win his own battles, even if they were against her! He was not a dog! Not a kicked puppy! Not anyone's toy! He was the Lion of Casterly Rock! Fight me! She thought. Claim your right, Jaime! Show me you want it badly enough! Her mind screamed. Prove it to me! Don't beg me to yield! Make me yield! Make me, Jaime! Take what is yours! ~_

 

“You have my word that my son will be named something-fucking-Snow only over my dead body!” He vowed.

 

_~ She swallowed hard... She wanted him to take her hard! Fuck her until she understood that she was his and so was the child growing inside her... Jaime kept on using words to show her he was sorry, to make her believe he would never leave. Even when he bedded her he did so relying mostly on his words than on his cock! Well, words were not enough! She wanted solid proof! She wanted actions! Did he want her? Then he should just get her! Jump into the damned bear pit! Fight! ~_

 

Jaime gasped loudly as the waves crashed on him. His hand started trembling on the seatback and he fell to his knees in front of her.

 

_~ Her mind screamed in despair as all anger vanished from his eyes and only pain remained. Deep-rooted pain that shattered her heart... no actions... he was about to say something again... to beg again... ~_

 

“Please don’t take my child away from me…” Jaime begged indeed, tears flooding his eyes. Brienne closed hers painfully.

 

_~ The spark... the will to fight... it was there, she had seen it! But she had to face the truth! Jaime could no longer light his flame... He was too hurt... too exhausted to fight... too scared he would be fighting in vain... When she looked into his eyes, she understood all his hope was gone..._

 

_Without help, he would never make it out of the storm alive..._

 

_She had to choose... it was either Jaime... or herself..._

 

_Except it was not even a choice... the answer was clear: Jaime._

 

_She had never been a selfish person. She had always considered the other's feelings and needs over her own. Jaime had taught her to be selfish and she held onto that for a while... but it did not come naturally to her._

 

_Between herself and Jaime, Jaime would have always been the answer... she merely needed a push in the direction of accepting it._

 

_Cersei’s words had provided that push... Her sickening treatment of Jaime, her vile desire of seeing him undone in the worst possible manner set Brienne's blood in motion, made her rush down the stairs to him… to save him!_

 

_Getting to his room, seeing him like that... on his knees, leaning into the fire... that was all the proof she sought! The proof she wanted!_

 

_Deep down, Brienne could not help but admit to herself, she had hoped to find him broken just like that!... jumping to the conclusion he was endangering his life was what she needed in order to win the battle with herself! To break herself for him… to choose him..._

 

_She was not Cersei! She could not behave like her, holding onto heartbreak and betrayal!_

 

_She was not Cersei - she did not want him weak and broken! She wanted him whole and strong!_

 

_She was not Cersei - she did not want him at the edge of abyss doing something stupid! She wanted him with his feet rooted in solid ground, doing the wise thing!_

 

_Between herself and Jaime, Jaime would have always been the answer... but all Brienne had asked for was time... time to heal herself and get over her heartbreak... time for the world to become a better place... time for the skies to clear... And then she would have forgiven him!_

 

_But there was no time for any of that!_

 

_Without her help, at the state he was in, Jaime would not last to see the day the Dragon Queen was defeated... ~_

 

"Never!" Brienne whispered, cupping his face with trembling hands. "I will never take your child away... I swear it..." She caressed his cheeks with her fingers. "Your child will be a Lannister... a proud and golden lion, just like his father!"

 

 _~ Jaime needed her to forgive him there and then... He_ _needed to know he would not be hurt forever... He_ _needed the assurance he was not fighting in vain... He needed to hear her say... ~_

 

"I will marry you..."

 

_~ So she did. ~_

 

His heart stopped and he looked at her with scared, unbelieving eyes. He could not move. His muscles stiffened. His mind froze. He held his breath. Was it a trick? Brienne would never trick him but... the world made so little sense to him that maybe she would...

 

_~ He dared not believe her. She could see it in the green of his eyes. ~_

 

Brienne let herself down the armchair, joining him on his knees on the cold floor. Her hands still cupping his face, she kissed him softly. 

 

_~ 'If I pull him my way hard enough and you pull him your way hard enough, between the two of us we can rip Jaime apart!' Cersei's words echoed in her mind, but she silenced them with a loud NO._

 

_If you pull him your way hard enough and I pull him my way hard enough, between the two of us... Jaime would choose me! She allowed her mind to believe it, for now she knew it was the truth. All she had to do was make him believe in himself.. make him believe he had a chance to live his life right... all she had to do was what Cersei had never done... let him be a man... ~_

 

"I am yours, Jaime... I will always be yours..."

 

He was kissing her and he was crying. Maybe she was too, he could not tell for sure whether the salty wetness on their faces was solely from him or not. He did not remember the last time his heart felt so full!

 

She was not his storm! She was his peace!

 

"Thank you..." He whispered between kisses and tears. "Thank you... thank you..."

 

A loud cry escaped her lips. If she had not cried before, she was surely sobbing now.

 

_~ Out of all things he could have said, that heartbreaking 'thank you' had not crossed her mind... Thank you? Those were the words he chose? Thank you? It pained her to understand that he was that broken..._

 

_And then she knew she did the right choice._

 

_He made a mistake which hurt her deeply! A mistake which cut through her heart! Sometimes she could understand his reasons, sometimes she could not… But she had to forgive him all the same. In time, she would even forget he ever left!_

 

_She was not going to give up on him! She was not going to feed the lioness with the man she loved only because he broke her heart..._

 

_Hearts could be mended. Hers and his alike._

 

_Their Winterfell had been a lie - a dream, a fantasy. They refused to face the reality around them and lived within a bubble of soap until it broke and reality return to bite them..._

 

_They had to start anew in the real world, acknowledging their scars, their pasts... their demons... Cersei... ~_

 

"Only time will heal us, Jaime... only time will restrengthen the trust between us... but this is as good a night as any to start anew... I forgive you." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Confession time. The idea behind this chapter was such a sweet one. It was supposed to be light and tender... then I started writing it and came out all stormy and full of raw emotions... it had to be that way because both Jaime and Brienne were at their limits, pushed by Cersei and their own regrets and worries. I hope the chapter made sense despite it being nothing other than two desperate and disturbingly incoherent minds trying to sort themselves and their relationship out.
> 
> Honestly, I am trying to be nice, but this story does not want to have any breathing windows between the angst... mildly sorry. Maybe the next one will be fluffier? You guys keep on hoping, for I sure as 7 hells do!
> 
> Please let me know what you think of it! Xx


	18. The new cadence of our old ballad...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No spoilers intended, but I have to warn you that the rating for this chapter is a level up (maybe even two) from M, for reasons™.

The first thing Jaime saw when he opened his eyes was her face, a mere inch away from his. She was sleeping so peacefully, on her stomach, with half of her naked body atop him, her left arm over his bare chest and her right one stretched up, over her head, resting on the pillow they shared. He smiled, tilting his head just enough to press a soft kiss on her lips. She smiled as well, but did not open her eyes.

 

Sliding carefully from underneath her, Jaime turned to his left side, resting on his elbow. Her left arm found its way below the pillow, palm reaching for its counterpart. Her ten fingers tangled at the top of the bed and Brienne hugged the soft bundle of feathers tightly, claiming it entirely for herself. Jaime smiled, then swallowed hard, for her strong back arched temptingly as she sank her head into the pillow. He leaned in and pressed a kiss on her shoulder. She moaned softly. He kissed her again. And again. And again... and again, his lips leaving a trail of gentle pecks on their way to her neck. He kissed the back of her neck with closed lips only once, then he allowed them to part, wetting her soft skin while sucking in gently. His wet kisses moved to her uppermost vertebrae, where he let his tongue slip between his teeth. So very slowly, he licked her spine all the way down from her neck to her lower back. As she was keeping her eyes closed, the heightened senses of the skin made her dizzy with pleasure. Brienne moaned loudly under his tongue, arching her back and squeezing the pillow hard. He pressed soft kisses on both her butt cheeks, making her smile.

 

Kissing his way up her left back muscles, Jaime moved his body closer to hers, pressing his basin into her hip. They moaned in unison as his hardened cock came in contact with her skin. As he was sideways, resting on his good arm, Jaime had no choice but place his stump on her to hold his balance while he leaned in to kiss the right side of her back. Jaime did not even think of it. The maimed member which used to make him so self-conscious when bedding Cersei, had never represented an issue in his relationship with Brienne. Quite the contrary, his missing hand was the very symbol of their relationship - its very beginning in the Riverlands and its rebirth beneath the ruins of the Red Keep... Being able to touch her unashamedly like that, with everything he had and everything he did not have, was the greatest mental comfort.      

 

He continued his tender kisses on her back until his cock could take it no more. Leaning over her as he was, Jaime put his right leg across, half straddling and half topping her. He lowered his head to lick her spine again, his hardened member remaining trapped between his body and one of her bottom cheeks. Brienne moaned, loudly at first, then she muffled her sounds into her pillow. Jaime felt his heart rate increasing, pumping fire into his blood. There was something terribly arousing about the way in which she cuddled that bundle of feathers while he was trying his best to mate with her. It made him feel like their lion at Casterly Rock. More than once, Jaime had seen the alpha topping one of the lionesses while she lazily licked her paws, minding the mighty beast no damn business at all! The imagery amused him, but only because he knew all too well that Brienne was indulging herself. She could play lazy lioness all she wanted, but he had no doubt regarding her desire. He could smell the juices of her arousal and they drove him mad with lust. Jaime rubbed himself on her, while resting his palm on her waistline. His eager fingers travelled up her ribs before sliding between her body and the mattress in search of her breast.

 

“Can I get in?” Jaime asked hoarsely, biting her shoulder and squeezing hard on her breast.

 

“Oh, yes please!” She replied just as raspy and Jaime waited for no second invite. Releasing her breast, he moved his hand to his cock and positioned it to Brienne’s moist entrance. He sank inside her sheath and nearly melted at the feeling. He started thrusting slowly, romantically, reaching down to kiss her shoulder blades. But as Brienne began slithering beneath him, Jaime’s motions gained urgency. Before he knew it, he was no longer lying on top of her, but staying behind her on his knees, hand gripping firmly at her hip, forcing her basin up, while he took her hard from behind. The sounds she was deliberately silencing in the pillow she refused to relinquish only added to his drive. With every passing heartbeat, he was going faster and deeper. Brienne let go of her snuggler and lifted herself on her elbows, fingers clenching on the pillowcase. She groaned, biting her lips. Opening her eyes wide, she let her head fall back and let out a cry to the skies. Unbidden, his hand left her hip and flung to her hair. He pulled her straw-blonde locks and she gasped. With two forceful thrusts, Jaime made her scream loudly, pushing her over the edge without her expecting it to come so soon. Her basin convulsed against him, making him come hard with one last thrust.

 

Jaime slid out and collapsed on his back beside her, while she fell flat on her stomach. Closing their eyes, they breathed deeply in and out, trying to steady their chests. Long minutes passed between any of them could speak. Forcing his eyes opened before her, Jaime turned his head to one side to admire his work of art. His lips curled into a smug smile when seeing her having a hard time recovering from the strong release. He'd made the crescent moons and starbursts of her House's sigil spin inside her head and he was going to hold onto that smugness until he would manage and even better performance.

 

Once he was sure he could move, Jaime got closer to her. Remaining on his back, he slid his left arm underneath her and used it as a lever to drag her closer. Brienne placed her head on his shoulder and threw one leg over him. The arm she was resting on wrapped around her shoulders and he started caressing her back with tender strokes of his palm. They were both so peaceful time stood still.   

 

When Brienne finally gathered the strength to look at him, Jaime whispered innocently while pressing a kiss on her forehead: “Well, good morning, my Lady.”

 

Brienne smiled brightly and reached to kiss him. The chaste peck she intended, turned into a deep passionate kiss. Fully rolling over him, their tongues sought each other and tangled in a dance of their own. She wrapped her arms around his neck and he wrapped his arms around her middle. When they pulled apart for air, she whispered against his parted lips: “Good morning, my Lord.”

 

The sun had fully risen from the sea and was shedding its morning light into the room. Capturing her lips again, Jaime kissed her deeply while staring straight into her blue eyes. "Your Lord?" He whispered. "Should I dare to hope the dawn did not change your mind about marriage and forgiveness..."

 

Brienne shook her head. "The morning changed nothing..." She assured him sincerely before allowing a sneaky smile to curve the corners of her lips. "But even if it had... this latest tumble made damn sure to erase any doubt!"

 

Jaime laughed wholeheartedly. “I can tumble you again…” He said rolling on the bed on top of her.

 

“You’re insatiable!” Brienne laughed, slowly pushing him away. “I barely closed an eye the whole night and I am sure I will be unable to walk straight for days…”

 

“And you’re welcome…” Jaime nodded.

 

She snorted. “No, darling… you’re welcome! Now move aside.”

 

Brienne stood up from their bed and went on to get her body ready for the day ahead. Jaime got himself in a comfortable sitting position with his back leaning against the pillows. He looked at her as she started what he already recognised as her morning routine - cracking her neck, rolling her shoulders, stretching her arms, her back, her legs. He remembered how, in Winterfell, his presence in her room made her skip her routine for three or four days. But as they got more accustomed to one another, Brienne gathered enough courage to be herself around him. By the end of their first week, she was nagging him to join her. Jaime just laughed at her and never once got out of bed to heed her call. And he was not about to do it now either! Why would he? Between cracking his old rusty bones and admiring her strong naked body bending and stretching, the choice was truly transparent.

 

His eyes travelled to her legs, so long and thick they made him thirsty. Feeling how his gaze fixated on the curls of her lady parts, Brienne turned to one side, obstructing his view. He hissed a low 'killjoy' at her and settled to admiring the profile of her arse. Then he frowned, tilting his head slightly, his eyes drifting to her stomach: “You’re starting to show.”

 

Brienne stopped at once and turned to look at him. “No, I’m not!”

 

“You are tho’!” Jaime smiled. “Your stomach is rounding there a bit…" Brienne looked down to check herself. "Well, you probably cannot see it from above! But when you turn to the side, it's right there! I am telling you that your belly is not as lean as it used to be in Winterfell. How far along do you suppose you are?”

 

“Stop saying that! My belly is lean!” Brienne snarled annoyed. “And I don’t know… should be over two moons by now, but it is entirely too early to show! Do you just assume that because I am a large woman, my child will be as well and hence my stomach will be enormous?”

 

The indignation and upset in her voice was hard to miss and it pierced right through Jaime's heart. It suddenly dawned on him that, despite teasing surnames during the previous night’s discussion, they had never actually talked about her pregnancy. The evening when she told him the news had been one of the strangest in his life. His confession in the bathhouse had prompted Brienne to release her own secret. Caught in the moment, he had acted on the impulse of his feelings only to be interrupted by Cersei's return to the land of the living. An awfully poor timing which sparked the ordeal his sister was putting him through. Faithful to his reputation of acting without thinking, Jaime had manipulated his way into Brienne's bed with no result other than worsening the fragile situation they found themselves in. Amidst the whirlwind of emotions and rushed reactions of that evening, Brienne had confessed not being happy about the life growing inside her. Loving that child with deep fervour from the moment he learned of its existence, Jaime had entirely dismissed her opinion on the matter. A disrespectful mistake.  

 

Clearing his voice, Jaime spoke as softly as he could. “Brie…are you still unhappy about the child…” He bit his lip, unsure of how to phrase what he was about to say. “Do you... not want it? Have you considered...” His tongue was not his friend again, merely because the thought was too dreadful for him to voice. But Brienne understood well what he wanted to say and saved him from having to choke on unwanted words. 

 

“No, Jaime…” She whispered resting a hand on her belly. “I was unhappy with the news... I told you I was. But it was not the child itself... it was everything else, everything that happened and everything that is to happen... I was unhappy, but I never once considered not having it." She sighed. "I thought you were dead... in spite of being heartbroken and betrayed, I still loved you. I would have never robbed myself of the joy of having a part of you still alive and still beside me..."

 

Jaime climbed down from the bed and walked straight to her. Wrapping his arms around her, he pulled her into a strong embrace. As he got on his tip-toes to kiss her forehead, she melted into him. "Is this why you got your mind set on the babe being a boy?" He smiled looking at her. "You thought of him as being a small version of myself? You pictured him looking like me, sounding like me? A living memory of the man you loved and lost?"

 

"Yes..." Brienne whispered, small pearls forming in the corners of her eyes.

 

"Sounds quite painful..."

 

"Torture..." She whispered, letting her tears fall. He captured them with his lips, kissing both her cheeks softly.

 

"Good thing I am not dead then..." He smiled, loosening the embrace just enough to be able to look at her whole face.

 

"I love our son..." She confessed drowning into his eyes. "These past two weeks I grew to love him so deeply that I do not want him exposed... I don’t want anyone to know he exists before the damned war is over, Jaime! This is why I do not want to start showing… this is why I cannot start showing...”

 

Jaime bit his lips sadly: “Well… by your knowledge, you reckon the war will be over in the next two moons or so?”

 

Brienne shook her head and Jaime sighed. “Then we have a problem... because you are going to show and you cannot help it. You are good now, do not worry… I see it because you have no clothes on and because I know your body… But no one else would see it. It's not a bump, you just look slightly bloated… that’s all…” Jaime let his hand rest on her stomach. "Your armour will shield him for a while... and then we will figure something else to keep our son safe from this war…”

 

“Do you promise me?” She whispered, eyes turning misty again.

 

“On my life!” Jaime vowed and Brienne pressed her lips on his, kissing him fiercely. He responded without thinking twice, lustful thoughts running wild in his head again. He pressed her to his body, but as she felt him getting half-hard against her, she pulled away.

 

“We do not have time to go again..." Brienne decreed before he could protest. She turned her back on him and went to retrieve her clothes from the armchair they were thrown onto. "We need to break our fast and we need to have a serious talk about your sister..." She said bending over the armchair to pick the shirt that fell on the floor. Jaime's eyes fell on her bottom.

 

“I do not want to eat! And I most certainly do not want to have a serious talk about my sister!” He hissed in sudden annoyance, feeling highly uncomfortable at their nakedness. Could they maybe not speak of Cersei after having just fucked the whole night long? Could they maybe leave reality out of their beautiful morning? He was not ready to let go of their night of reconciliation. He was not ready to put clothes on! He was not ready to battle the storm again! He was not ready to go face Cersei! He was not ready to get the damned day started… but Brienne, oh Brienne had no issues in putting everything nice aside and getting dressed. Brienne, as always, was duty-bound.

 

Pulling the shirt over her head, she turned around to frown at him. “Want it or not, we will have it! I will not let you go guard her all day before we talk about what she's been doing to you!”

 

“Good!” Jaime nodded. “Then we agree! No talk it is! Because I have no desire to go guard Cersei today!" Brienne rolled her eyes, putting her trousers on. "Here’s the plan!" Jaime continued on the same nonchalant tone as before. "We lock the door, take off your clothes again and fuck all day!”

 

Taking his breeches and shirt from the floor, Brienne threw them at him. “Yet another thoroughly thought through plan, by Jaime jumping-in-a-bear-pit Lannister!”

 

“It’s the child you know…” Jaime nodded, catching the clothes flying his way. “The child growing inside you is making you all mean! Oh, Seven Hells!” He rolled his eyes. “He’s going to be yet another Lannister twat, isn’t he?”

 

Brienne snorted at his words: “Hardly my fault he’s a Lannister twat! Blame yourself for that!”

 

“Kinda' your fault, if you think about it…” Jaime said dropping the clothes back on the floor and walking towards her very purposefully. “You could have very well released your post-battle lust with that ginger wildling… He definitely wanted to knight you ten times over. I bet you would have found his manners better than mine… after all, I knighted you only once…” Jaime wrapped his good hand around her middle and pulled her to him.

 

“You're right..." Brienne said on that low 'you sound quite jealous' tone of hers. "I actually thought about seeking him out when you left, I dreamt of him warming my bed with his big broad body..." The smug smile froze on Jaime's lips and he seemed to hold his breath. She laughed and pressed a short peck on his lips before slipping out of his arms. "Do not play jealous if you cannot take jealousy... and for the love of Gods, put your clothes on and let's go to my room and eat!"

  

“Let’s not leave this room…” He begged, catching her wrist as she wanted to walk towards the door. “Please... please..." He whispered so softly that she bit her lips, momentarily considering it. "Please... let's not get out in the real world, not today… the mad queens wouldn’t mind it!”

 

Brienne laughed hard. “Quite the contrary! My mad queen would mind it so much to know that I abandoned my duties to fuck a traitor that she’d kill me on the spot… and your mad queen… well… well... your mad queen...” The cold shivers going down her spine were so transparent on her face that Jaime felt his own skin getting goosebumps at the thought of Cersei's reaction. Within a heartbeat, all jokes were put aside again. “Jaime... please, let's talk about your sister and her behaviour…”

 

“I am fine…” Jaime assured her, letting go of her hand and walking to pick his clothes from the floor.

 

“No, Jaime! You are not fine! You are high! You are drunk in emotions, that’s what you are! But the day is so very long and once you are in there alone with her, these feelings of blissfulness will fade away… and then what? You will just sink again! And you will sink real hard! The higher the cliff, the harder the fall! You are not fine, Jaime...” Jaime sighed putting his trousers on, but did not turn around to face her. “Do you think I forgot you’ve bitterly told me you wanted to die? You think I do not specifically remember you saying you find comfort in the thought of killing yourself?”

 

“I did not mean it…” He said quickly, knowing all too well it was a lie.

 

“You did mean it, Jaime, that is the great problem! That you meant it!” Brienne walked to him and wrapped her arms around his middle from behind. “Please..." She whispered in his ear. "I have so much on my mind… I am living in a hell of my own, surrounded by people I hate, condoning dishonourable actions, plotting horrendous things, being the sand in someone else's hourglass... There is so much going on! How many times do I have to beg you to spare me additional trouble? I’ve been asking this of you ever since I got you here…please... please, Jaime... just stop being such a problem! Start helping me already... please... I need your help! I need you to trust me with your demons, if you want me to trust you with mine..."

 

Turning on his heels, he wrapped himself around her. "I do... I do want to help... I really do not want to be a problem... I just do not know how..." He said resting his forehead on hers.

 

"I know... and I also know it's partly my fault. I mistreated you, while at the same time I expected you to just get yourself together. It was wrong of me... I said I wanted to hurt you, but I meant just throwing your ass real hard in the mud in a duel... and that will still happen! But I need you to know that I never meant to play on your feelings and your mind! Although I did, I never wanted to hurt you that way... That's not me..." She did not need to add  _'that's her'_ for him to be well aware she thought it.

 

"I know..." He whispered.

 

"Good..." Letting go of his middle, Brienne cupped his face, forcing him to look at her, just like she had done in the courtyard at Winterfell. "I never want to think of it again... of how you left me standing there... it's done... it's in the past... we'll speak no more of it... we'll forget it..." Jaime brought his hand up, catching her wrist. He rubbed his thumb on the back of her palm. He could not help but notice how ironic it was that she asked of them to forget that night by mimicking it. But Brienne was right, it was in the past. Unlike that night, he turned his face towards her hand and kissed her palm. It was in the past, it was all in the past and they needed to look towards the future.

 

Just like she said - he needed to trust her with his demons, if he wanted her to trust him with hers. Their relationship was starting anew on that bright morning, but it was not starting from scratch... it was starting from scars. Their story had long been a flowing river, adapting its course as it passed through time. Their story was not unsung, it was the same old ballad with valiant knights finding themselves while saving each other all across of Westeros... from the Riverlands to King's Landing, from King's Landing to Riverrun, from Riverrun to King's Landing, from King's Landing to Winterfell, from Winterfell to King's Landing... As the ballad went on, its cadence always changed... from enemies to allies, from allies to friends, from friends to lovers, from lovers to nothing, from nothing to everything... and _everything_ was the only cadence he cared for keeping.

 

And if for his wife  _everything_ came with the naked truth then...      

 

“You are right..." Jaime agreed, taking in a deep breath. "Let's go eat and talk about Cersei..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the nice-ish chapter I kept on promising... was it nice enough?  
> Please let me know... Xx


	19. Our way or no way!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello sweeties! 
> 
> First and foremost I want to apologise for the long wait between chapters. I was a bit on vacation and I returned with a massive writer's block as a souvenir. As you - hopefully - remember, in the previous chapter, the recently reconciled Jaime and Brienne agreed to talk about Cersei, that little (read massive) pain in the posterior who is Rapunzel-ing in the White Sword Tower making her guards' lives a living hell. I see this chapter as a very important milestone for our favourite characters, reason why I wrote this chapter 4 times - 4 individual, utterly unrelated versions of it! Fifth time the charm, I guess. I think I kept an element from each of my previous attempts and I am fairly happy with the result... 
> 
> Hope you will be happy too! Happy reading! Xx 

Jaime knocked on Brienne’s door and waited politely for her to invite him in. When she did, he struggled a bit with the doorknob but managed to enter as gracefully as a one-handed man with an arm full of jars could. He looked at Brienne and smiled. She was with her back at him, fixing her hair in the small mirror glued to the inner side of the wardrobe’s door. It was already sleeked back and still damp from that mint-smelling paste she used to secure it in place. She looked oddly feminine in her pampering gestures. Had she always been like that, discretely feminine? - Jaime found himself wondering. Was she, deep down, yearning to be treated more like the other ladies were? To act as the other ladies acted? It dawned on him that they never spoke of it. Ever since they first met, Brienne had been so adamant on not being called a ‘Lady’ that he failed to realise she very likely used it as armour. So many had ridiculed her for her looks that it felt less painful to have no expectation of being respected as a woman. There was no denying Brienne was not a beauty, not in the sense Cersei was, not in the sense most women were… but she had grown to be one in his eyes.

 

“You look so beautiful, my Lady…” Jaime said lovingly and saw her smiling in the mirror’s reflection. In the days gone by, she would have snarled at him for such a remark. Now she knew he meant it. Winterfell had made her enjoy hearing him validate her womanhood as sincerely and often as he validated her warrior side. And that made him proud of her and of him both.

 

“Did you bring your own food?” Brienne asked amused, passing her fingers through her hair one more time before turning on her heels to eye the jars he was carrying.

 

“I kind of got a craving for that Highgarden rose jam I mentioned yesterday…”

 

“And I thought I was the pregnant one.” Brienne laughed walking his way.

 

“It’s not a pregnancy craving, Brie, don’t be ridiculous!” Jaime said with a sleazy smile. “It’s a sex craving, if you must know. It dawned on me that this jam tastes just like you do when aroused… and since you put a stop on fun for this morning, I thought I’d lick some jam on bread instead…” Brienne shook her head looking bemused, but did dignify his poor attempt at seduction with a reply. Seeing she had no reaction other than reaching for the jars caught in his clumsy grip, Jaime continued with a slightly disappointed look on his face: “Anyway, so I went to get some Highgarden jam, but once I found myself in the storeroom a few other things caught my eye. For example, these pickled trout fillets from Riverrrun were Catelyn Tully’s favourite dish as a child.”

 

“Were they really?” Brienne’s eyes widened, as she looked at the jar she was now holding.

 

“They honestly were!” Jaime assured her with a vehement nod. The truth was he had absolutely no idea. He made it up on the spot. But the trout pickles did in fact come from Riverrun, so where was the harm in linking them with a person Brienne loved?

 

“Thank you, Jaime.” She placed a long kiss on his cheek while involuntarily hugging the jar to her chest. He smiled unapologetically for his innocent lie and turned his head quickly to capture her lips. She allowed it. Her scent invaded his brain and something fluttered in his stomach. Being able to openly admit he was in love made him want to swoon. How amusing would that be? Just as Brienne said, he was truly high in emotions. So high she feared his imminent fall. He did not, for his wife was there to make him high all over again. She was there to take care of him. He broke the kiss and rose on his tiptoes to press a peck on her forehead. And he was there to take care of her.

 

“Let’s eat.” Just like him, she was freshly washed and dressed in clean clothes for the day ahead. They both looked ready to put their armours on – except he did not have one. Jaime let his eyes down, a sudden feeling of ache gripping at his chest. He had not realised before how much he missed having his armour and sword within reach. His eyes drifted towards the wardrobe beside which, for years, his Kingsguard armour and cape had rested on their bespoke stand.

 

“Did you know?” Jaime whispered longingly, while turning his back on the wardrobe and reaching for a chair to sit on.

 

“Did I know what?” Brienne replied with a frown, while placing the jars he had brought on the table.

 

“When you so selflessly allowed my sister to stay in your apartments upstairs and picked another room for yourself, did you know this one used to be mine? Did you know I lived in here for nearly twenty years, before becoming Lord Commander?” She smiled, sitting beside him. Reaching for the pickled trout, she opened the jar.

 

“Yes, I did know.” She confessed while breaking the bread. It was quite old and hard, but it had to do. Seeing his wondering eyes, Brienne sighed. “Your brother told me…” Any semblance of a smile left Jaime’s face. “He slept in this room the two nights before being able to leave the capital. He was greatly distressed, in a way I have never seen a man like him before. Lord Tyrion blamed himself for the destruction of King’s Landing, but mostly, he blamed himself for your death. He wanted to sleep here to feel near you. He told me about the escape route he had suggested and begged me to find your body beneath the Keep’s ruins in order to make sure the Dragon Queen did not defile it… your sister’s body too, if it was not too much to ask of me – he said. I promised him to do my best to ensure both his siblings found their peace in a dignified manner…”

 

Jaime stuffed a piece of bread in his mouth and swallowed hard. “When I first asked of Tyrion, the very day you found me, for a bitter while you let me believe he had been killed because of me and Cersei…” It had been a cruel lie. Something Jaime had never thought Brienne capable of doing. Yet she did it and the mere thought of it made him shiver.

 

“I am sorry…” She whispered. “Please, try not to blame me so much for it… Think of the position I was in. I had barely arrived in King’s Landing and sworn myself to a murderous Queen. I had to gain her trust, set the plan in motion, come at terms with my pregnancy and, on top of it all, to somehow dig your and your lover’s dead bodies from beneath a collapsed castle. Finding you alive was more shocking than the alternative would have been... I was happy and hurt and scared. I told you then, I repeat it now – I did not think you could be trusted! I did not want to be cruel to you, I just thought that giving you the official truth was the safest and by far the easiest thing I could do. I do not know how I survived that day! It was surreal. It was as if my spirit left my body and I was seeing everything from afar, as a passive observer… finding you, digging you out, taking you and your sister to the Tower, feeding you… it was all as if someone else did it. A dream and a nightmare at once. I can barely remember what I said to you. Deep down, all I wanted was to collapse into your arms crying ‘Jaime, Jaime… look what they are making me do…’, yet I could not forget how you had betrayed me… I trusted you instinctively, but I mistrusted you consciously… I am sorry for the pain you felt thinking your brother had died.”

 

“It’s quite alright…” He said softly, placing his hand reassuringly over hers. “Can I have some jam?... actual jam, I mean.” He added with a smile and she almost blushed. “Brie, will you trust me with the plan now?” Jaime asked reluctantly, watching her twist the lid of the jar open.

 

“I promise to tell you the whole truth, just not now… there is no time for it. You want me to spread the jam for you?”

 

“Do we have time for that?” He smirked.

 

“The actual jam, on the actual bread, you pest!” Brienne laughed reaching for the butter knife, while he took the bottle of strawberry syrup.

 

“He is at Casterly Rock, isn’t he?” Jaime asked while pouring the syrup in two cups. She nodded. “And officially dead?” Brienne nodded again, placing the bread with jam on his plate. “Jon Snow too?”

 

“Your brother was imprisoned for treason, for releasing you. Jon Snow went to him to discuss the Queen’s terms. The city was still aflame and one of your sister’s wildfire stocks caught fire, blowing the building up with both men inside… The Queen was devastated.” The tone on which she offered him the official news was casual, albeit slightly ironic.

 

“She surely was…” Jaime said taking the bread to his lips. “I wish we were at Casterly Rock with Tyrion…”

 

“I wish we were at Casterly Rock too…” She replied with a smile, reaching for the cup he had poured for her. Despite having only tasted it the previous night, Brienne could no longer imagine her life without the sweet beverage. “You know, I am not the only pregnant woman around here. You should take some syrup to Cersei too.”

 

Jaime’s stomach turned to knots. A part of him had hoped Brienne would eventually drop the Cersei subject. He should have known she would never do that. “She does not like it… it lacks that certain something that makes a beverage to my sister’s taste – alcohol.”

 

“She drinks too much…” Brienne said shaking her head. “Yesterday I simply could not see her drinking anymore. I said nothing when she poured her first cup. I clenched my teeth and bit my tongue when she poured the second. But when she reached for the decanter the third time, it was too much for me. I went and took the goblet off her hands…” Jaime’s eyes widened in shock upon hearing her words. “It did not end well…”

 

“I bet it did not!” He exclaimed, looking her up and down as if to make sure she was in one piece. “I do not believe anyone has ever been brave enough to do that!”

 

“I should have never provided her with wine. I thought I was helping her find a bit of comfort in her situation… I thought it was a peace offering of some sorts. I did not know her addiction was so severe…” She sighed heavily. “Now I do not know what to do about it. Taking the wine away completely would be cruel, but letting her drink the way she does is just wrong. I simply cannot let her hurt herself on my watch...”

 

“Brie…” Jaime whispered looking at her with the same mesmerised fascination that he had felt the first time he saw Brienne taking so good care of his sister. “Why are you good to her? I know my sister, I am sure she is repaying you with the deepest hell. Do you think I ever sleep at night when you are on guard? Do you think I can close my eyes knowing you are alone with Cersei – the woman who promised me to kill you slowly and make me watch? She would tear you apart limb by limb if she had the chance and you worry about her drinking too much? How can you be like this?”

 

“I am good to her because I am a knight and I vowed to protect the women and the innocent. I am good to her because you need me to be… but mostly, I am good to her because she is the mother of my son’s sister or brother. I owe it to my son to take care of his kin, whether I want it or not, whether they deserve it or not… and Cersei is my son's kin.”

 

“You pity my sister…” Jaime observed in a low tone.

 

“I do not.” Brienne shook her head.

 

“It was not a question. You do pity her.” He stressed, tilting his head and pouting in utter disbelief. “For the life of me if I understand why, but she is appealing to your ‘mother of the wounded’ nature. Brienne, you have to be careful with her… Cersei means every threat she makes. Do not take her words lightly, do not underestimate her. She is not Sansa for you to save, she is not Podrick for you to foster, she is not I for you to nurse to light… she is too far gone, she is not redeemable. Cersei needs to remain as weak and powerless and caged as she is now, for your sake and the sake of our child. Do you think my sister cares our son is her son's kin? She does not.” Sighing deeply, Jaime bit his lip. “She was perfect, you know? She could have been an angel… the Gods know I have always seen her as one. I held with everything I had onto the little threads of light within her heart. Year by year those threads were cut short. By now, I think she has but one left…”

 

“One thread of light is more than nothing…” Brienne whispered sipping from the syrup. “A couple of times I saw it too… yesterday was one of those times. Before wildly deciding to take her wine away, we had a perfectly harmonious evening… then my indiscretion pushed her off the edge. She turned monstrous before my eyes, spitting venom that made my blood run cold.”

 

“What did she say… wait what? A perfectly harmonious evening?” Jaime frowned.

 

“I made a habit of reading while she sleeps, in order to maximize my time. Yesterday, I thought she was sleeping, but she was not… she started asking about my book. One thing led to another and, before I knew it, we were reading Dragonkin together, cheek to cheek…”

 

Jaime rolled his eyes. “Did she recite it to you?”

 

“No, she preached it! She also corrected all its mistakes with greater precision than a measter with a metal link in history. Your sister’s knowledge of dragons and Targaryens is impressive…” Brienne said biting her lower lip, quite obviously refraining from adding something else to that thought.

 

“I used to be jealous about it, jealous of her passion for them, but now I am just deeply sad.” He took a sip of the syrup and a bite of bread. “Over thirty years have passed and my sister is still not over the life she never had. Just thinking of it makes me want to kill father for making Cersei believe in a chimaera of a life! Everything she has been through with that damned family and deep down she still yearns for her childhood dream with silver-haired princes… Look at her now – defeated and dethroned by a Targaryen riding a monster and, in spite of it, still so eager to read a book about dragons, cheek to cheek with the woman who has stolen her brother’s heart… It is painful to realise how hopeless her yearning is. I am sure Cersei does not realise it. She would be utterly disgusted at herself if she did. The sweet little girl who used to scribble _Cersei Targaryen_ on paper scrolls died of heartbreak, yet she did not die before engraving that name right onto the soul of the troubled young woman she became. The only reason why Cersei wanted to be queen was to be a Targaryen. Political plots and struggles for power were solely father’s games at those times. Funny how the only thing my sister ever got to have in common with the family she wished to be part of is a mad love for fire and the habit of fucking her own blood... It pains me to my very core… It makes me want to wrap my arms around her and keep her safe… All I ever wanted was to keep Cersei safe and I failed so badly.”

 

“You cannot save someone from the demons within them, Jaime. Trust me, I would know. It hurts all the same, but there is nothing you could have done to save your sister from her own thoughts and pains. I have been reminding myself of this day and night after you left…”

 

“You can though!” He contradicted her. “If you are the right person you surely can… You saved me from my demons more often than you know. Sometimes, simply thinking of you chased the darkness away and calmed the storm. That’s because you are the right person for me… You make me feel like I can do it – like I can survive my past, like I can keep my head above the water. When I left Winterfell you had not failed in saving me Brienne, you simply had not finished, for the demons you were – are – fighting against are large and loud. It takes time to silence them… but you are doing it.” She smiled sadly and placed a reassuring hand on his back. Very tenderly, she started rubbing him in circles. “I was never the right person for Cersei. It was not my unconditional, eternal love that she wanted… mine was merely the only love she got and she settled for it possessively. Unless she had an ulterior motive, Cersei never once came to me. She always waited, letting me go to her. She gave herself to me, she seldom refused, but only if I asked for it.” Brienne said nothing. She just continued rubbing his back lovingly. Whether hearing those words hurt her or not, she let him get them off his chest. After all, she had been the one to ask him to talk about Cersei.

 

“Yesterday…” He bit his lower lip. “Yesterday I reached the peak of desperation when I was with her. I suppose this is what you want to talk about… her behaviour, you said.” Brienne nodded. “Do you know she has not spoken to me, not a single word, since she woke up?”

 

She nodded again and added softly. “You should have told me…” Her hand left his back and reached for his plate, taking his remaining bites of bread with jam. 

 

“We were not exactly on the best of terms, you and me. What did you expect me to do? Come to your room with the tail between my legs and whine about my sister being mean to me?” He almost laughed. “She has done it many, many times before. Very early in her marriage she discovered that ignoring me, or acting as if I did not exist got her what she wanted sooner rather than later. How she learnt it? She asked for a child. I refused... _remember my Kingsguard vows, Cersei? It would be wrong even for us, Cersei. Don’t get angry, Cersei. Be reasonable, Cersei…_ ” Jaime imitated his younger self. “She spoke no word to me for a day and a half. That’s how much I lasted. Two moons later she announced to the Court that she was pregnant with Joffrey. In time, as she became the dominant half of our duo, the number of punishments increased and so did their duration. When I got myself captured for Tyrion, because that is how she sees it, and returned to her – in her own sweet words – _after all that time,_ _with no apology and one hand_ … she punished me for weeks with no end. She did speak to me when she had to, but she was ruthless otherwise. She got me so out of my mind with her behaviour that I ended up fucking her by force beside Joffrey’s dead body, right there, in the Great Sept of Baelor…” He looked towards Brienne to read her reaction. She simply reached for the syrup. Jaime knew she was highly uncomfortable, but she was trying to make it all seem normal.

 

“Have you ever realised that she is only doing this to hurt you, to push you beyond your breaking point, to bend her to her will?”

 

“As the years went by I did realise it, but I still fell for her manipulative mind games every single time…” He looked miserable.

 

Brienne reached for his cheek, placing her hand softly on it and turning his face towards her. She looked into his eyes and whispered. “How close are you to falling in her trap now?”

 

He smiled and kissed her hand. “Nowhere near falling, my love…”

 

“I am not convinced.” She sighed, still caressing his cheek. “You just said you reached the peak of desperation yesterday.”

 

“You misunderstood.” His tone was even and adamant. Her hand slid off his cheek and she watched him carefully. “Maybe I did not use the right words… but what I meant by it is that my desperation peaked so high I decided to do something about it. I decided to confront Cersei, to make her, if not talk to me, at least listen to everything I have to say. Despite the look of it, when you found me last night on my knees and crying, I was actually better and more relieved than I had been in weeks.”

 

“How? What was different yesterday than the day before?” She was sceptical and he felt it in her voice.

 

“She is in pain.” Brienne’s eyes widened in worry. “Most days it is bearable, but yesterday she could not take it. She could not stand up from the bed and when she did, she barely reached the table to pour herself a cup of water. Yesterday of all days I chose to punish her back – like the idiot I am. I chose to ignore her the way she ignored me. I chose to watch her suffer and struggle and refused to move a finger to help her. I stood there, by the fucking door, and watched my pregnant sister cry in pain underneath her covers for a whole day. I did not even bat an eyelash…”

 

“Jaime!” She hissed suddenly angered. “Are you out of your mind? How could you... argh! You're impossibly immature, sometimes! I'll get her some medication... I will ask a maester about it!”

 

"Yah... do that, please..." Jaime bit his lip ashamed. "The day took its toll on me."

 

"Good! It shows you are not heartless after all! Never do that again, or you will answer to me! Understood?" She threatened, pointing at him with the butter knife before dipping it in the jam jar.

 

“I am not heartless... I was consumed by guilt. Once I got to my room, I fell on my armchair, with no energy, no hope. I watched the fire dance hearth and the Mad King’s screams filled my mind. _Burn them all! Burn them all!_ I succumbed to self-pity… oh, my life has been so terrible! Oh, I did not ask for any of it!” He ridiculed his own trail of thoughts. “Then I started reminiscing how my story with Cersei started. Memories of our childhood and our early youth danced in front of my eyes in the fire… like visions sent by the God of Light…”

 

“Jaime, you do not believe in the God of Light…” Brienne noted quite coldly, still upset by his behaviour.

 

“I believe in fire!” He hissed back. “Fire is mesmerising, it has the power to drive one mad. It drove Aerys mad, it drove Cersei mad, it drove your Queen mad... it wanted to drive me mad, but it only brought clarity. Sorrow, horrible sorrow! But clarity. For the first time in my wretched life, I accepted that it has been my fault. Year after year, I strove to save the goodness within my sweet, sweet sister, without realising that I was among those chiefly responsible for killing her light… She has her own share of guilt in perpetuating our relationship. I do not take the whole blame for over thirty years of corruption. But Brienne, Cersei did not start it. She would have never done it without me asking for it… she was too…” He bit his lower lip as a tear slid down his face. “…perfect.” He let his eyes down and a soft smile curved his lips. “Just like Myrcella... When we were mourning our baby girl, Cersei wondered where she came from, for she was so good, so pure… _she was nothing like me…_ she cried. But she was wrong… once upon a time, Cersei was in every respect like our baby girl. Once she was an angel, not a monster.” He lifted his head and looked at Brienne. She just handed him another piece of bread with jam and he took it gladly. “All gone now.” He said biting from his bread, as if the tragedy of his sister's downfall mattered so little. “I cannot save Cersei’s soul any more than I could save Myrcella’s life. I cannot change the past, but I can set things right. In the final hour, I can be a real brother to her and that is what I was vowing to do when you found me… Today is the last time I will try - not to save her - but to keep her in my life. She will have to take it, or leave it.”

 

“She will take it…” Brienne encouraged him.

 

“I am not sure. I will respect her choice regardless.”

 

“She will take it, Jaime.” Her voice was soft once again, betraying the sincerity with which she wished for him to find his peace with what had happened between himself and his sister. “You and your child are all she has left. Open yourself to her, just as you did to me. Talk to her about what you represented for each other, be honest, be strong… be the Jaime I know, the one-handed knight fighting bears and slaying wights, not the dog guarding her door. End what you had with her and, if at all possible, start anew.”

 

Jaime nodded putting his bread down. He was done eating. “I will try…”

 

“A peace offering might help you. Consider it as my wedding gift for you...” Brienne turned towards him and reached for his hand. Her ten fingers tangled with his five and her sapphire blue eyes locked into his emerald green. When she spoke, there was a tremble of emotion in her voice. “I'll give you your sister’s life.” Jaime frowned unsure of what she meant. “When the war is over, if we live to see that day, your sister will be brought to trial for her crimes and the wars she has caused.” He stiffened at her words, but Brienne did not let go of his hand. “On that day, presuming the whole plan succeeded and I slew the Dragon Queen, no one in the Seven Kingdoms will have more right to ask for favours than me. I will ask the future monarch for the right to keep Cersei as my own prisoner until the end of her days. She will be exiled on Tarth and live her life in conditions befitting her status, at Evenfall Hall, as a special guest of the Evenstar. By all means, she will be properly guarded according to her notorious reputation. She will have no power and she will never be alone with visitors, she will never touch herbs and poisons, she will never leave the island, but she will be alive and able to enjoy the simple things - a walk in the beautiful gardens, the sun, the sea… and most importantly her family! I do not know how you imagine our future together, but I tell you from now that it will have to be split between Tarth and Casterly Rock. Maybe we could migrate between the two every year. That way, every other year, your sister will have you near and she will get to spend a great deal of time with her child…” Jaime's eyes were filled with tears and his beard was already dump from the ones that had already fallen. “I admit that I have thought of giving your sister to Sansa, for her to repay in Winterfell the treatment Cersei had graced her with in King's Landing. But the things you’ve said today, the way you talk about your twin... Jaime,  you love her so much! She is part of you and I cannot change that, nor do I want to, nor do I have the right to… I’ve heard that us, the Lannisters, need to stick together. So we will keep your sister safe from her enemies. She will go to Tarth and she will learn to be happy there.”

 

Jaime jolted upright from the chair, dragging her with him. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close to his chest. “My Lady, my precious Lady, you are too good for this world! This is so much more than she deserves, so much more than I deserve! There are no words to thank you with...”

 

She cupped his face in her palms and looked deeply into his eyes. “Your sister used to own the world, but those times are gone. In the first days after she woke up, she terrified me - not anymore. Her threats, her tantrums, her fits of anger and violence are a child’s play compared to what Daenerys can do. Whenever you feel like pitying yourself for guarding a monstrous woman you love, just think that I spend my days guarding a monstrous woman I loathe. _My Queen_ , as you call her, makes _your Queen_ seem like the angel you knew when you were children. Your sister cannot hurt us unless we allow her to. I do not question her determination to see me dead, or you for that matter, for she told me she would rather have you killed than happy with me. I know she means it. I do not underestimate the evil inside her. I just know that she will never again have the means to deliver on her threats. If we lose the war, she dies. If we win the war… it’s our way or no way!”

 

Jaime captured her lips and kissed her hungrily. “My son is turning you into a lioness…”

 

“No.” She replied biting his lip and sucking on it. “You turned me into a lioness! You showed me my worth when I thought I had none. You made my wildest dream come true. You taught me what a man’s love is. You compelled me into forgiving the unforgiven… You need me to roar, so here I roar!” He tangled his fingers in her hair, ruining that feminine effort she had put into styling it the way she liked it. She moaned pushing him towards the bed. “But I need you to do the same! I need you to be the man you were always meant to be. Not tomorrow, not next year, now. I need you to beat Cersei and I know you can do it. You have found the motivation and I have given you the means. Together...” As the back of his knees touched the bad, her hands travelled to the laces of his breeches and he mirrored her gesture. “Together we are stronger than her and we shall never allow her to divide us again.”

 

“Our way or no way?” Jaime asked turning on the spot with her, reversing their places, and pushing her onto the bed.

 

“Our way or no way!” She agreed as he climbed atop. “Be quick and clean about it, _their Graces_ are waiting.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what are we all thinking? Xx 
> 
> Oh, fun disclaimer - I just realised that Jaime calls Cersei an "angel" in this chapter as well as in a couple of previous ones. Well, I guess the Faith of the Seven has angels now. #yolo. 


	20. One way or another, Cersei always wins!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fourteen chapters later and the Lannister twins are on speaking terms again.
> 
> Buckle up real tight! Bumpy ride ahead, in a chapter that turned out to be massive. Consider yourselves warned!

Taking in a deep breath, Jaime knocked on the door. He did not have to wait for long before Podrick unlocked it for him.

 

“You are late this morning, Ser.” The squire greeted him with a less than polite look on his face, moving out of the way and allowing him inside the apartments.

 

“Yeah, I went to the market to get some food.” Jaime said casually, lifting the jar of rose jam and the bottle of strawberry syrup he was holding to where Podrick could see them. The younger man’s eyes tripled in size and horror flashed all over his face. Despite knowing he was being a jerk towards a man whose wrath he thoroughly deserved, Jaime could not help himself. “It was quite a walk. Met a couple of Unsullied on my way, had to knock them out. Then the Queen came and we caught up on recent events. Long time not seen. She’s a pretty thing as always. The full on madness does bring out her eyes…”

 

“Very funny, Ser.” Podrick said clenching his teeth.

 

“I am a funny man, Pod, and you used to like me. Let’s get past our differences and move on, shall we?” Jaime smirked, grazing past the younger man on his way to the food table. He did not spare his sister a single look. There would be enough time for that later. He needed another moment of silence before poking the lioness.

 

“Noted, Ser.” The squire said in such a way Jaime felt him rolling his eyes. There was no doubt a long time still had to pass before Podrick got over the whole 'leaving Winterfell' episode. _Good_ \- the old lion thought. Brienne deserved to have her back and interests guarded by someone as dedicated and honourable as the young Payne-in-the-ass. Nearly snorting at his own mental pun, Jaime said nothing after all. Podrick excused himself with no further ado and left the twins alone, locking the door behind him.

 

And the moment of silence was gone.

 

Steading his heart and bracing himself as for a battle, Jaime picked up an apple and turned around to look at Cersei. He found her exactly where he expected her to be - in bed. Dressed in one of those silk gowns Brienne had retrieved from the Dothraki-looted royal apartments, his sister laid over the covers, back resting on the pillows softening the headboard.

 

She looked regal and waiting. It made his heart pause, for he should have known.

 

Cersei was no fool. Quite the contrary, she was one of the sharpest and most intuitive people there were. She was well aware a battle had been lost the moment Brienne left her room the previous night. Hence she had prepared for the new dawn by reconsidering her strategy and attitude toward him. Their eyes locked and she held his gaze, for the first time in weeks not ignoring him. The shining of her emerald eyes made it transparent for him - Cersei was as determined to speak as he was to break her silence. 

 

_~ He was well fucked... She knew it the moment her eyes met his. Green on green, but his shone the way only she had the right to make them shine! Yet someone else had done it now. Someone else had imprinted her desires on him, someone else had whispered in his ears what to do and there he was, ever the faithful dog, delivering on her requests, bringing to fruition the orders a sleek cunt commanded his hard cock. For the stupidest Lannister had but one head and it rested between his legs. Fool that head and the body would follow... thus there he was, well fucked by another, high in emotions and satisfied, ready to fight her - his twin, his half, his lover - for a stranger. She would not allow such absurdity to pass. Had he not learnt by now? One way or another, she always won! ~_

 

Jaime took a bite of the apple in his hand, considering his words carefully. As the rules of duelling held, the one to attack first was to set the pace of the fight. The one to speak first was to dictate the tone of the conversation.

 

_~ He would try to be calm and in control. Have the upper hand in how the conversation went. Jaime was always inclined to opt for peace, a strange option considering he had no self-control. There were so many things she could say to provoke him. For, unlike him, she was always inclined to choose violence. She tilted her head slightly and looked at him, considering her words carefully. ~_

 

Wanting to make Brienne proud with his attitude and restraint, Jaime curved his lips into a warm smile and said softly. “How are you feeling today?"

 

At the same time, her words of choice landed. “I hate your beard.” Cersei said as nonchalantly as stating the weather. Her words took him completely aback. For a long moment, he could not react. He stood stunned in front of her, apple in hand, and blood temperature increasing with every heartbeat.

 

_~ She applauded herself for choosing well. The four words that were the symbol of Jaime being a disappointment to his family. 'I hate your beard', their father had told him more than once. 'It makes you look unworthy of the Lannister name. It makes you look unkempt and beneath your station. The very epitome of a forsaker who abandoned his House.' And she had uttered the words too once... right when he returned from captivity. 'I hate your beard.' It was the first thing she told him when he appeared in her doorway, after all that time, with no apology and one hand. 'It makes you look old and every bit the cripple you now are. What in the Seven Hells have you done to your hand?' He looked devastated, as he should have, and went to shave his beard, cut his hair and then covered that hideous stump in gold. 'I hate your beard.' And no amount of fucking could have made Jaime calm enough to resist the bait... ~_

 

He knew he had to control himself. He knew he had to follow his better judgement. He knew he should not let her in his head. All he had to do was steady his heart and ask again how she felt and whether their babe was alright. All he had to do was utter a little question and not let his sister lead the way. _How are you feeling today... How are you feeling today... How are you..._

 

“You hate my beard?” It was all he could really say, really. And Cersei won, be it even momentarily. Jaime clenched his teeth, his blood having reached the boiling point.

 

“I hate your beard!” His sister repeated on the same low and controlled tone. She did not have to raise her voice or hiss the words or snarl them provocatively. No. All she had to do was say them.  _I hate your beard._ And he felt every bit like the failure she insinuated he was.

 

Jaime tilted his head and pressed his lips together. He frowned, spitting through clenched teeth: “You hate my beard? I left my woman behind and returned to your viper’s lair to save your miserable life! I tried my best to take you out of a burning city and when I failed, I held you in my arms for days, comforting you, singing with you, telling you stories… Do you think that was what I imagined to do if we ever met again? – you know, considering your betrayal and the fact that you sent a cutthroat to kill me! I wanted you to live, you ungrateful monster! I prayed by your bed that you’d recover! I medicated you and hoped and begged the Gods even though the chances were so slim… and when you did open your damned eyes all you could think of was how to punish me best for still being there for you! Two weeks, Cersei! Two fucking weeks and you spoke no word to me! Two fucking weeks you humiliated me and the first thing you tell me is that you hate my beard?”

 

“I hate your beard!” Cersei nodded and Jaime wanted to leap at her throat. Oh! and how she would have loved for him to do just that! To lose his temper completely and succumb to her sweet madness. _Have you ever realised that she is only doing this to push you beyond the breaking point, to bend you to her will?_ Brienne's words echoed in his mind and Jaime closed his eyes, trying to breathe. He heard himself admitting the truth to his wife.  _I did realise it... but I still fell for her manipulative mind games every_ _time..._ Every time. Well, not today. If Brienne was strong enough to keep herself grounded and control her impulses around a dragoness on the loose, he could certainly do the same with a lioness in chains. Brienne believed in him and he could not disappoint her... again. 

 

“I can shave my beard if you want me to." Jaime said calmly and saw her brows furrowing. "You see, I too hate things about you and I would love to see them changed. Your behaviour for that matter. What do you say, sweet sister? My beard in exchange for a bettering in your attitude?"  

 

_~ Oh, no, no, no. Her mind protested loudly. Jaime had no self-control. He could fake it for a while, but ultimately he was going to throw the apple at her. She needed words, better words... words he was sensitive about. ~_

 

“How many times did the ugly cow have to suck your cock for you to regain your voice?"

 

Without even blinking, Jaime threw his apple at her head. Not expecting such a reaction, Cersei barely had the time to move sideways before the apple hit the headboard a mere inch away from her ear.

 

_~ Fully expecting his reaction, she dodged easily from the apple and gasped... 'in shock'. ~_

 

“Careful!” Jaime hissed threateningly. “Next time you insult Brienne, I will not miss!”

 

“You’d really hurt me for one disgusting slut? The Kingslayer's whore, they call her in the North, the ugly maid you fucked and left behind.” Cersei hissed provokingly. The bait caught, for Jaime hurried towards the bed, his eyes aflame with rage. His sister sent a poisonous look his way, uneager to let go and ready to take a blow for it.

 

“Come on, _Robert_ , hit me!” She dared him.

 

Jaime stopped short from throwing himself on the bed. He let his knees sink on the mattress, head fallen down. A deep sense of shame overwhelmed him at the thought he had been seconds away from losing his senses with a woman. His saving grace was that Cersei knew not when to stop. It was one of her greatest problems, the one that ultimately doomed her reign. Whenever desperate, truly desperate, Cersei pushed too hard and too far, turning her very efforts into nothingness. Whenever desperate, truly desperate, Cersei revealed her smallness and inspired pity rather than fear. 

 

"Forgive me, Cersei. Forgive me for even considering raising my hand at you..." He whispered with a heavy sigh, before climbing onto the bed. He crawled on his knees the whole length of it, before settling beside her, with his back on the pillows and their shoulders touching. They had not sat so close to one another since being trapped in the dragon skull. Somehow, it felt good. Somehow, it calmed him.

 

_~ She had done it again. She had miscalculated her leap and fell short of catching her prey. She failed the attack. She was losing her edge... she was losing her intuition and losing her senses and losing her grip on him. And yet that made him lay beside her and somehow it felt good. Somehow, she felt no need of saying any more. ~_

 

For a long while, none of them spoke. Cersei was caressing their child and he looked at her with the corner of an eye, daring not to move until he felt sure he was in control of the deep-rooted anger she inspired him. Anger he never spoke about. Anger that kept on building up ever since all their children turned to ashes... ever since she turned their children to ashes. Anger strong enough to make him abandon her... yet still too weak to break their bond.

 

“How are you feeling today?” Jaime whispered with a resigned feeling he would never be truly freed of her. He turned his head towards her and she looked at him unsure. “You’ve been unwell…”

 

_~ Her heart skipped a beat and her arms wrapped protectively around her middle. Unwell? Unwell did not begin to describe how she felt. Ripped apart from within?  Her insides burning like wildfire? Long periods of time not feeling the child and then feeling the child too much?  Unwell... she supposed she had been unwell. So unwell she was eager to do anything for him to care. So unwell she needed him with all her heart. So unwell she wanted to cry in his arms. So unwell she wanted to tell him her fears, tell him even the truth if needed... but how could she? ~_

 

"No... I have been quite fine..." She said turning her head towards the window.

 

“Come on, Cers... Do you really think I did not know you were crying, curled up underneath those covers?” Cersei sighed not replying. “I did not say a word because I proudly and desperately hoped you’d be the one to speak to me first. But yesterday, when I left your room, I felt ripped to pieces, consumed by guilt and gut-wrenching regret for having treated you like that…” His right arm was the one beside her, but he reached with his left hand for hers. She did not pull away when their left hands clumsily tangled and Jaime took hers to his lips. “You think I do not know you, but I do. Tyrion was right - I see you for what you are and I love you anyway. You have never fooled me, Cersei. I always knew what you were doing to me, to the world, to yourself and for a bitter long while I stayed and accepted it. But I cannot accept it anymore..." He sighed, letting go of her hand.

 

_~ Loneliness had been a constant companion of hers along the years and yet she never knew it as thoroughly as when Jaime was not near her. She never felt as hopeless in the face of the world as when Jaime was away. And he had been away so much since their fateful trip to Winterfell, all those years ago. He had been away even when in King's Landing. His mind was away, his heart was away, slipping through her fingers all the time. The feeling she was losing him forever weigh heavy on her chest, making her want to cry. She was tired and old and lonely. The child inside her made her weak, in body and mind alike. She could not fight. Not for long. She wanted to, yet it was hard. The urge came and went, it rarely stayed. Loneliness had never crushed her spirit as much before... for she had her other half to keep company to her broken soul. She had not been loved much in her life... but one person had always loved her. Not anymore... ~_

 

“You hate me…” She whispered in spite of herself, pearly tears forming in her emerald eyes.

 

“I love you…” Jaime smiled sadly, reaching for her chin. He turned her face towards her, before tenderly stroking her cheeks. A tear rolled down and he wiped it with his thumb. “I will always, always love you, Cersei…”

 

“Not enough…”

 

“Oh, my sweet, sweet Queen…" He pulled her to him, her head resting on his chest and her bump onto his middle. "I love you more than a man should be capable of loving someone. You are my twin! Half of me is you, half of you is me. Remember? This will never change no matter how many other things do. I love you still, I just love you better now.”

 

“Better?” She cried, face buried in his chest.

 

_~ She hated herself for crying like that, yet she could not control her emotions. Her whole body was heated by them and she simply had to let go. Her child wanted her to cry in the arms of the man who fathered it, so she did... She did cry heartbreakingly, for he no longer loved her the way he should. ~_

 

“Yes, sweet sister, better... so much better than before! I love you right now, like I was always meant to - like a brother, like a real brother." She sobbed painfully at his words. "You will find it is better this way for you too. I know now that you've never truly wanted our love to soil this way. I know now that it was my fault. I am a jealous man, quick-tempered and uncompromising. I am sorry I mocked your affection for Rhaegar, I am sorry I strove to get between you and your love dreams, I am sorry I kissed you that night when we were children, I am sorry for what happened in that cave after we burnt Melara’s body, I am sorry for joining the Kingsguard to be a permanent shadow over you, and I am sorry for always asking for more…”

 

“What are you talking about!" She asked pulling away and looking at him. She shook her head vehemently, her hands reaching for his face. "It’s not your fault, Jaime…" Her long thumbs caressed his beard. "Whatever gave you the impression I did not want us to be? Jaime, Jaime, Jaime... my love..." Her voice was softer and sweeter than honey.

 

_~ Was that why he no longer loved her as a woman? Did he think that all those years ago he had forced himself on her? How stupid was he really? ~_

 

"I am sorry... I am, truly... I am dark and cold and cruel, like father, like Joffrey... like you when you get angry. But I love you! Never was there a moment when I did not. Even when I failed to show it well I loved you still! You did not taint our love in any way! I kissed you first, Jaime... don't be silly! I licked your blood when you asked me to stop. You said you'd fuck me if I did it again and yet I did! I licked your blood because I wanted you as much as you wanted me. We were meant to be together! We are one. I cannot exist without you, you cannot exist without me. We are but one soul in two bodies. One person - male and female. We were destined by the Gods to be together! Nothing and no one could keep us apart! Nothing and no one should...”

 

“No, Cers… no…” Jaime took hold of one of her wrists, slowly pulling it away from his face. Her words hurt him for the madness they held.

 

“Yes, Jaime! Yes! A womb, a tomb! And a lifetime in between. I am yours and you are mine! It's destiny.” And before he could stop her, she pressed her lips on his, sweet tongue sliding through his teeth in search of its counterpart. Jaime pulled away, but she kept on kissing his cheek, leaning in closer to get back to his mouth.

 

“No... no!" Jaime protested, his hand on her shoulder. Sliding right from underneath her, he rolled down of bed. He stood promptly to his feet and took a few steps away from her. A deep frown was carved into his forehead as he looked at his sister. She stood on her knees on the bed, lust and madness in her eyes. "Don’t ever do that again, Cersei.”

 

“Oh, but I will! You are mine, Jaime! You cannot leave me!" She pleaded. "You cannot leave us! I am going to have a child… or two. We need you! We are your family."

 

"Two?" Jaime gasped. "You are not having twins, Cersei. Please, be sensible. Your state of delusion worries me. You are due in less than a fortnight, maybe not even that. You are still so small that a well cut dress would cover it. The only way in which you are carrying two is if they are kittens."

 

"I am not due for almost three months..." She said rolling her eyes.

 

_~ No point in not telling the truth. After all, he would notice when the child failed to come when expected to. ~_

  

“What?"

 

Cersei sighed deeply, getting herself out of bed. Unable to look at him, she walked to pour herself some wine.

 

“I lied...” She confessed, reaching for the decanter. Then she stopped and her hand rested on the strawberry syrup bottle instead. “When Tyrion came back from Essos and met you beneath the Keep, I knew I could not kill him for I needed the time his unlikely truce was buying me. I also knew that, given the chance, the little Imp would manipulate you his way, he always did! We were not in a great place, you and I, with the Sept and Tommen and Euron sailing in... I knew you did not trust my words when telling you we'd be together as King and Queen. I knew that if I did nothing you would choose Tyrion over me. You always chose Tyrion! Always! All our lives, you only ever betrayed me for him. No matter what he did, there was nothing you would not forgive Tyrion for! Did it matter to you that he killed our father and two children as a consequence? It did not and you proved it by not killing him on the spot... and by betraying me yet again, delivering the words of a usurper straight into my ears... and all for Tyrion!"

 

"You were not pregnant..."

 

"No, I was not... but I needed you to stay and I hoped the promise of being a real father would have made you stay with us... well, me." She turned around to look at him, a goblet in hand. "I missed the taste of this, you always kept a bottle near. I never even liked it... yet I missed it for it tastes like home..."

 

"I washed your body! Your stomach is swollen..." Jaime said without caring about whatever the damn she thought of that strawberry syrup.

 

"That's because now I am pregnant, Jaime! I was trying to make it happen even then. A Queen with no heirs inspires no stability, nor durability. A Queen with no heirs is a living prophecy of a war for the Throne. I am not as young as I used to be, not as fertile, and it did not catch for months. Qyburn was assisting me with disgusting potions to make it happen and..."

 

"Is it mine?"

 

"What?" She snarled, wearing an expression of madness on her face.

 

"You've heard me!" Jaime hissed, feeling his blood turning into liquid jealousy. "Is that child mine, or is it a Greyjoy?"

 

"How dare you ask me that?" Cersei gasped, hand shaking on her goblet.

 

"How dare I? You mean to tell me you haven't fucked Greyjoy?"

 

"I drank Moon Tea for five days straight until the heir to the Throne, my first child, was gone! I bled for a whole month after it and all because I could not stand the thought of having a child with someone that was not you!"

 

"Please! Don't be a hypocrite!" Jaime rolled his eyes. "You did it because you could not stand the thought of having a child with Robert after whispering Lyanna to you. You did not do it to spare my feelings! You only ever got the thought of me putting children in you after you miscarried."

 

"How about Lancel's child?" He looked at her rather shocked. "I know you know about me and Lancel... but how about his child?" Jaime felt his legs giving way as his heart shattered to pieces. "The only reason why I took Lancel to bed was because he looked so much like you..."

 

"Don't you even..."

 

"It is the truth, Jaime. You were gone for so long, I was worried sick... I was missing you with every breath I drew... I thought that maybe he'd feel like you. I thought that maybe our cousin could make me crazy with passion the way you did at his age..."

 

Jaime almost ran past her to sit at the Lord Commander's desk. The last thing he wanted was to fall off his feet at her treacherous words. Had there ever been a time when she did not betray him?  

 

"But he was nothing like you, he was a weakling. He was but a shame of a Lannister that I did not miss, nor thought of when he left the capital to recover from some petty injury he'd acquired during Stannis's siege. But after we allied with the Freys, Father summoned Lancel back in order to command him to marry one of Walder's nasty daughters. Marrying people around has always been Father's favourite pass time... I was high on his list as well, I was desperate and I was lonely... you were still gone... we fucked once, with no precaution and I got pregnant." She gazed his way in time to see how he took in a deep breath before letting his head fall in his palm. He looked thoroughly miserable. "I was angry when you returned, Jaime, I was very, very angry... and so disgusted by your missing hand." He heard her sniffing and wiping her tears, yet he did not look at her. "But, Jaime... I was not angry nor disgusted enough not to want you! I craved for your body just as you craved for mine. I wanted to have you back in my arms... I wanted to feel you, I wanted you to fill me, to fill the void and emptiness I felt in all that time you left me alone... I wanted us to fuck like beasts until we could no longer walk... I just simply could not do it! That day when Qyburn attached your golden hand for the first time... do you remember him asking me about some symptoms? He was talking about the same symptoms as after Robert's child... but worse, for I took something stronger than Moon Tea. Had I taken you to my bed while still bleeding like a slaughtered pig, you would have known... and Jaime... you would have killed me for it. Back then you would have killed me for it."

 

"I would have... yes..." Jaime admitted, turning his head towards her. "Now I am just..." He sighed unable to find the proper words. Disappointed? Disgusted? Hurt? Betrayed? Indifferent... It mattered so little. "Why tell me now, then? To hurt me? To make me jealous?"

 

"To make a point! I could have married Tyrell, birth that child, a pure Lannister after all, and raise him as the heir to Highgarden! Myrcella heiress of Dorne. Tommen of the Westerlands and Joffrey wearing the crown! More than half the Seven Kingdoms sorted by my womb! Father would have worshipped me at last. Peace would have been secured for years... but no! I love my children more than life itself, but only the ones that are yours! It is not Greyjoy's child. I would have rather been an heirless Queen condemning the Kingdoms to civil war for the Throne, than to mother another man's child!"

 

Jaime sighed. "I wish I did not believe you..."

 

"But you do! Because it is the truth!"

 

But he did. He knew she was mad enough for it to be the truth. "So when exactly did the child happen after all?" He sighed, barely able to hide his pain and bitter disappointment. Every time he thought she could not hurt him anymore, she did.

 

"Qyburn confirmed it the very day you left... the very day you showed me that, no matter how hard I tried, no matter how pregnant, cornered, and surrounded by enemies I was... at the end of the day you'd always, always leave me to save Tyrion's ass..."      

 

 _I did not leave for Tyrion!_ He wanted to shout to her, but why bother?

 

“You hating Tyrion has been one of the greatest burdens of my life! I will never understand how you could do it...”

 

“The prophecy…” Cersei began but Jaime cut her short.

 

“Fuck your stupid prophecy! You've had what? Six children by now and still have the nerve to go on with that  _three_ _golden crowns, three golden shrouds_  nonsense and the damned Valonqar? You hated Tyrion long before that. You hated him before knowing what hatred was! You hated him because Father did and you wanted to please Father so much, you did not want to disappoint. You fell for the whole ‘he killed your mother’ sham as if Tyrion chose to do it!” He was getting angry again, deeply angry at her hypocrisy.

 

“He did kill Mother! I was left alone!”

 

“We were all left alone! We could have had each other!” Jaime snarled hitting the desk with his fist.

 

“You always pitied him!”

 

“I never pitied him, Cersei! I loved him! He is my baby brother and he was more lonely and alone and mistreated than you!”

 

“He killed Mother! I was left without her... I needed my mother! I needed her! All my life I've cried for her! All my life I've missed her kisses on my forehead, her love and her protection! Her support, her sweet voice singing to me... I wanted Mother!” Cersei cried desperately.

 

Far too much had been said that day for him to feel sympathy for her words. Any other day maybe, but not now. “Women die in childbirth, Cersei." He said coldly. "You nearly died with Myrcella. Think of her, think of your sweet daughter's little face, think of that innocent bundle of joy who just happened to sit very wrongly in your womb when her time came. Would you have wanted me to hate her? Had you died that day, Cersei, would you have wanted me to make Myrcella’s life a living nightmare? Or better still… Joffrey… think of Joffrey, Cers. Your spawn sent from the deepest hell. Would you have wanted your cruel, sadistic Joffrey to torture your little angel her whole life, marry her off to some brute who'd beat her and rape her... all because she killed his mother?”

 

Cersei clenched her teeth and threw her goblet at him, hitting his right shoulder. “No one could have hated Myrcella! Not ever! She was pure! She was beautiful…”

 

Jaime scoffed: “Ah, she was beautiful! So it is all reduced to Tyrion being a dwarf, after all. The biggest crime the Imp has ever committed - not being normal like the others. Shaming the Lannister name not by being a mother-killer, but by being a monster, a freak of nature! Thank goodness our House had you and Father to honour the family name with all your flawless glory and golden perfection.”

 

“Go ahead, judge and mock me as you please! It's easier than admitting your precious baby brother has his hands covered in as much blood as your vile sister!”

 

Jaime looked down. “It’s not too late, Cersei… It's not too late for us to be the siblings we never were. We can still be a family.”

 

“Do you hear yourself? I can list you a million reasons why we are never going to be a family. But that would take entirely too long. I will only mention the most obvious - Tyrion hates me.”

 

“He does not." Jaime shook his head. "He has never hated you. All his life he sought your sympathy and approval. Gods damn it, Cersei, the boy loved you so much he even became obsessed with dragons because of you.”

 

“Now it’s my fault he sided with the Targaryen bitch?”

 

“Well, it is your fault! You were the one determined to have his head on a spike for a murder he did not commit - but it’s not what I meant! You really never realised Tyrion started reading of dragons to get close to you? When we were children? He read every book you gave him, he devoured them with infuriating dedication. When you two spoke of your Meraxes and Vhagar and whatever their other shit names… those were the only moments you looked at him without loathing in your eyes. Tyrion would have done anything for more of those moments! He would have done anything for your approval! One of your sweet smiles given his way... it's all his little heart craved for! Just like me, Tyrion would have given his all to see you happy! He wanted to adore you, you did not want his adoration! He would have searched the world for a dragon and bring it to you as an offering to a goddess if that would have put him in your good graces…”

 

“He did bring a dragon to me and burnt down my Kingdom!”

 

“He made a mistake!" Jaime hissed, then he sighed. "Many mistakes! You are right, he is a murderer, just like you, just like me! _The dwarf, the cripple and the mother of madness…_  it's how he called us once. Between the three of us, we started a war than span for a decade! We put the whole of Westeros through sword and fire... now let's work together to end the war we started! Somehow it is not too late to make it right.”

 

“Isn’t it? What life do you think I will have from now on? Will you set me free and allow me to rebuild the Kingdoms, hand in hand with you and Tyrion? Will you help me get my crown back? Will I be Queen, beloved by my people? Have one brother as my King and the other as my Hand? Is this the dream you envision? Because the only future I see for myself is an execution. I am no fool, Jaime! I am smarter than most and infinitely smarter than you! I know what is going on beyond this Tower! I understand all too well that everyone who a month ago supported Daenerys has by now realised she is a rotten apple, just like her father. She cannot distinguish the voices from within and reality anymore, just like her father. She does not grasp who her friends and who her enemies are, just like her father. She'll get herself stabbed in the back, just like her father... and then someone else will be monarch. Every single person on this continent who has a claim to the Throne is an enemy of mine. Do you think they will spare me? I wouldn’t spare me.”

 

“Brienne and I will keep you safe.” Cersei rolled her eyes. “I swear to you, sister. Your enemies will never get you!”

 

“Brienne and you? As what? My Queensguards?"

 

"You said you are no fool! Then be smart enough to understand no one is helping you back on the Throne, Cersei. Not ever! What we will do, though, is keep you off the executioner's block. I told you, in spite of everything, in spite of war and murders and countless betrayals, it is not too late to be a family."

 

"Brienne is not family! And I hope you will not dare suggest otherwise, because I swear to all Gods I will murder you right now with my bare hands."

 

"Cersei..." Jaime hissed dangerously.

 

"No. Enough is enough, Jaime! You have made your point. I have done despicable things and I have wronged you. You found comfort in another's bed. It will be a long while until you forgive me... I get that! But I know you. You are a man bound by duty! At the end of the day, you cannot be selfish. It's against your nature. Love her if you may for a little longer, I will give you that much, but when the war is over, I expect you to put your wife and child first!"

 

"I am..." Jaime nodded. "I am putting my wife and child first."

 

"Good."

 

"But it does not mean I will not take care of you and my niece or nephew."

 

"What?"  

 

"I will wed Brienne, Cersei, and the children we will have together as husband and wife will be the children I will put first." Jaime explained himself, suddenly realising it was better not to let Cersei know Brienne was pregnant already.

  

“Over my dead body!”

 

“No.” Jaime said resolutely. “Not over your dead body. I do not wish you to die! Nor will I wait for it to happen before being able to start living my life as something more than a pawn in every other family member's game! I am done with being caught in the middle of some damned Lannister plot! I am the future of this House. Not you. Not Tyrion. It is my birth-right and I want it! It only took the best years of my life to understand it, but I am the Lord of Casterly Rock! And from the day I leave this Tower onwards, my word alone will be the rule of law for every Lannister alive!”

 

_~ Something burnt in him the way it had not in years. It made her wet and in need of him... of that lion with golden mane riding his white horse into the yard of Casterly Rock. Maybe she had made a mistake tying him to a King's door... cutting off his mane, his freedom, making him bow to lesser men. Maybe he was born to rule all draped in red and gold! Like a God. Or maybe it was her dripping cunt thinking all of that. The lion cub inside her made her lust for Casterly Rock... All of a sudden she was done with fighting. She wanted to fuck. Rough as vengeance. Fucking would make it all better! Fucking would shut him up! Fucking would make her regain control of that one head Jaime thought with... Regain control over him. ~_

 

“Alright, my lion, commend me something!” Cersei said and within a blink of an eye, she rushed to his chair and straddled him. Before Jaime could even react, her lips were on his neck and her hips were rocking fast in his lap. “Take me back to Casterly Rock and we will start over.”

 

Jaime put his hand on her shoulder and pushed her off him, but her fists got in his head, slender fingers tangling in his hair pulling him closer and closer. Her lips were everywhere and he could not escape her deadly grip.

 

“Let’s leave this Tower!" She moaned into his mouth. "I know you know a way out…" He tried to move his mouth away, she kissed his cheek with wet opened mouth. "Forget Casterly Rock! Let's go to Essos and never come back." She rocked harder in his lap. "I swear I want nothing more in this life than being with you! Your word alone will be the rule of law for any Lannister alive... but my child and I are the only Lannisters alive that matter! We'll bow to you and your will... we'll be good... we will get married and live together for the rest of our lives! Away from war and blood and fire!" She was getting so heated at her own words, as if she truly believed them. Were she a man, her own words would have gotten herself hard. "All I care about is you! Fuck the Iron Throne! Fuck the crown! Fuck Casterly Rock and House Lannister! Fuck money and riches! All I want is you... only you... come on, come on, make me yours again! Make me scream your name..." But her words were empty to him. They touched neither his mind nor his heart. Her words could not fool him anymore... but her body seemed to trick his still. In spite of himself, Jaime was getting half hard underneath her. Her frantic movements made her dress part and her cunt was wet on his breeches. No smallclothes as always, a habit rooted in the very nature of their illicit relationship.  

 

“You love me, not her... you love me! You desire me... I feel it, I feel it, Jaime, getting hard for me... You cannot resist me. It is me, it's always been me! She was just a replacement you got when I failed you… but I will never fail you again… let me touch it! Let me suck it!” And one hand left his hair and traveled between them.

 

Jaime’s heart skipped beats at the mentioning of Brienne. He struggled further out of the mad lioness's grip, but the fire in her made it impossible for him to get away without turning violent. Her lips began suffocating him and he could not stand it anymore! Everything about it seemed profane.

 

 _If it feels wrong... it must be wrong!_ His eight years old sister had decreed. For decades it remained the sacred law they abided by.

 

And for the first time in his life, it stood no longer!

 

It felt wrong! It was wrong! 

 

Jaime bit her hard, catching one corner of her lower lip between his canines. Cersei screeched, her whole body loosening it's tight grasp on his. Jaime pushed her off him and stood from the desk, walking in the far opposite corner of the room.

 

“You bit me, you fucking bastard!” She shouted.

 

Jaime did not reply.

 

“I am bleeding!” Cersei hissed, touching her lip with her fingers. Then she smirked. “Come here and lick it…”

 

Jaime frowned in disbelief. How could she  still go on? How could she not understand a simple message?

 

Cersei strolled like a feline towards him, slowly pulling the skirts of her nightgown up. “Or lick this…” She said, her slender fingers travelling between her own legs. She touched herself and moaned, then took her finger out and licked it.

 

“Cersei…” Jaime hissed threateningly, no hint of passion or arousal in his voice. Even his momentarily treacherous cock had lost all its interest. She was obscene, viciously obscene, not in her actions - he held them not against her - but in her mindset. Two weeks he had endured her tormenting silence and when she finally spoke to him, the first thing she wanted him to know was that he was a disappointment. She kept on manipulating him with every turn of the conversation and when she failed, she opened up to hurtful lies and painful truths. In spite of knowing of Brienne for so long, she failed to take his sentiments for her seriously. She had not respected him in a long while and Jaime doubted she would ever truly respect him again.

 

Cersei sat on the bed and touched herself once more. He clenched his teeth and grunted in desperation, before turning with his back to her. He would much rather face a wall than the scene his sweet sister wanted him to see.

 

“You don’t have to look if you don’t want to, but I guess you’ll have to hear me anyway. I'll be loud.”

 

“Cersei, that’s degrading…”

 

“Degrading? What? Pleasuring myself in front of the man I slept with for thirty years? What of the times when you asked me to do it and you had no trouble watching while licking your lips? What of the times when I asked you to play with your cock for me? Remember how I used to drink my wine as you stroke hard at the words I was whispering... Degrading? Between us? What is that word even meant to mean? How can you let it on your lips, the very lips you use to lick my blood with, time and time again and from so many places. Degrading? After all the things we’ve done? Jaime, you and I have fucked in ways a brothel owner would blush at. Your precious wife's heart would shatter if she heard half the things you've done to me! You will never have with her what you had with me! You will never be able to give her your best years! Your youth was mine! Your golden days of passion were mine and mine alone! You were wild only for me! You were reckless only for me! Or have you forgotten you fucked me on my wedding day? Or better still, that one time in bed with Robert?" She laughed. "He was drunk and sleeping and we fucked twice with him there and Ser Barristan Selmy guarding the door!"

 

When her arms wrapped around him, Jaime was startled. So lost in his head, battling away the memories that now seemed to make him sick, he had not heard her approaching. She pressed herself to him again and Jaime clenched his fist. Had she no limits? Her lips on his back, leaving small pecks on his shoulder plates. And his blood started to heat up. Her fingers travelled to the laces of his trousers again. “You and I are perfect together… perfect! Like one…”

 

Jaime bit his lips and pressed his forehead on the wall. It was not his desire he tried to calm, but his anger. He wanted to strangle her! He loathed her the way he never thought he could. He dared not move, for he risked to truly hit his pregnant sister if he turned around.

 

“You want your birthright? Good… have it. I will not stand in your way, I’ve done it for too long." Why was she pushing her luck? "Marry her." And he swallowed hard. "Give her as many children as she can carry…” Her breath was hot on his back and her hand slipped in his pants touching his cock. He jerked his middle away. She took her hand off and laughed. Gods help her if he lost himself and turned around! “Have her and have me too! Have us both… I will not tell her..." That was it. The last drop. The audacity of even insinuating that he could ever be unfaithful to the woman he loved. When had he ever? "Let me return your favour for all those years of my marriage. A Lannister always pays her debts… and I will pay them well, my Lord, 'till death do us part!”

 

If violence was what she wanted, he would oblige. He turned on the spot and pushed her with all he had.

 

“STOP IT!” He roared and Cersei stumbled back, losing her balance and nearly falling off her feet. But her brother would not allow it. His good hand steadied her by wrapping itself around her neck. Cersei gasped at the sudden loss of air, but he did not seem phased by it. He manhandled her towards the wall and slammed her back on the cold stones. When their eyes locked, there was nothing but fury and hatred in his gaze.

 

_~ All lust and playfulness vanished. She was scared of him. For the first time in her life, she was scared of him. She had pushed him to his limits many times before, but it dawned on her she had never seen his limit until now. ~_

 

“Listen to me real carefully, sweet sister! If you ever attempt to force yourself on me again, I will take your child away from you the second it is born without as much as allowing you to see it, or to know if it is a boy or a girl! I will throw you in chains beneath the Tower until the war is over and then I will let your enemies have you. I will give your worthless life to the highest bidder and watch as they rip you apart!” Her green eyes turned misty with tears. Whether it was from the lack of air or from emotions, Jaime could not tell, nor did he care.

 

_~ Loneliness had been a constant companion of hers along the years and yet she never knew it as thoroughly as when Jaime was not near her. And he never wanted to be near her again. She never felt as hopeless in the face of the world as when Jaime was away... which he had been ever since he fought Ned Stark and he was never to return to her. T_ _ears fell down her cheeks, slowly drowning her, as the Valonqar was with his hand around her pale white throat, choking the life from her. Jaime had slipped through her fingers, just as her life was slipping through his. Loneliness had never crushed her as much before... for she had her other half to keep company to her broken soul. She had not been loved much in her life... but one person had always loved her. Not anymore. ~_

 

“You will forever be my sister and I will always care for you…” He said squeezing her neck even harder. “… as such. Any other form of affection I bore you is long gone. I took full responsibility for starting our wretched affair, for it is the truth. It is your turn to take responsibility for its demise! Your thirst for power, your thirst for vengeance, your ruthless nature and foul punishments for my sin of loving you were finally too much… You’ve killed us, Cersei! Own it! Another corpse you can claim!" Cersei struggled for air. "You have until the end of your pregnancy to decide whether you want to live your life in exile, on Tarth, as my wife's prisoner. The alternative is the sword of the highest bidder. Our way or no way! Take it or leave it!”   

 

“Jaime!” Brienne’s voice rang loud behind him. He let go of his sister like burnt and turned around to see the knight approaching with big steps and angry face. Cersei fell at his feet, too weak to stand. Brienne pushed Jaime out of her way and squatted in front of Cersei.

 

“Are you alright?” Brienne asked softly, reaching for her shoulder and caressing it with her broad palm. 

 

“She’s alright.” Jaime hissed, unable to snap out of his anger.

 

“You shut up!” She hissed back. “I told you this morning that if you ever treat your pregnant sister cruelly again, you will answer to me. And Gods help you when I stand up from here!”

 

“You have no idea what happened, alright? You'll get to judge me only when you know!”  

 

“Shut up, Jaime, or I swear...” Brienne threatened, but he cut her short.

 

"What? You'll draw your sword at me, wench?" Jaime clenched his teeth.

 

Brienne chose to bite her tongue, as Cersei would not stop crying. “Your Grace…” Nothing. “Cersei…” Brienne said softly, prompting the lioness to look at her.

 

_~ She had waited for days and days to hear the ugly cow daring to voice her name. She had waited and waited and pushed and provoked and planned how best to react when the moment would come. How best to over-react. To burst. To attack. All for nought. She had no power to lash out. ~_

 

"Are you alright?"

 

Cersei shook her head, covering her face with her palms. She began sobbing so hard, her entire frail figure threatened to fall apart. And before his eyes, Brienne dragged Cersei protectively to her chest. His sister’s golden head buried itself in Brienne’s shoulder and her thin arms wrapped around his knight. Brienne started whispering reassuring words in her ear and Cersei held onto her for dear life.

 

_~ All for nought... but maybe not. She had lost her twin, her lover, her other half. Jaime had broken apart from her! The countless reasons for it mattered not. What mattered was that he did break apart! What mattered was that he no longer loved her. She might have lost Jaime, but she would never resign herself with it. And Jaime would pay with what he held most dear for cutting himself loose. With her head buried in Brienne's shoulder, Cersei drew her strength from her rival's protective embrace. Trying to breathe, she made up her mind. Rather than antagonise Brienne, she'd get close to her. Bit by bit, she'll gain her trust. Bit by bit, she'll bond with her. She will do what Jaime wished for - be a family. She will accept their way, humble herself and go in exile to Tarth. She'll bless his marriage and attend their wedding. She'll let him have it all! She'll him grow happy... truly, truly so. Until bit by bit, they will let their guard down around her. A day will come when Jaime will think they are all safe and happy... A day right before Brienne was to birth their first child... and Jaime's joy will turn to ashes in his mouth. She'll kill his wife and babe and he will be left alone with nothing but the memories of the family he never got to have. A day will come when Jaime would be left as alone as he left her. And he will know the debt was paid. ~_

 

Looking at his sister fiding comfort in Brienne's arms, Jaime felt suddenly tormented by his own behaviour. Guilt washed over him and so did shame... shame at failing to be strong enough yet again. Shame at letting Cersei turn their conversation into violence...

 

It pained him that the only way in which he succeeded in breaking free of her, was by breaking her.

 

Jaime took a step forward, ready to apologise. And then she looked at him, slowly lifting her head from Brienne’s shoulder. Cersei looked straight into his eyes and smirked evilly.

 

His heart stopped and Jaime clenched his teeth. 

 

It all came back to him, an old trick of their childhood that got Tyrion into a great deal of trouble. Every so often, Cersei would torment him so thoroughly or would do something so despicable, that Tyrion lashed out at her. Every so often, she would push him off his limits until he attacked her in a way - he threw stones at her once, covered her in horse piss another time, shaved her cat, put a rattlesnake in her bed... Tyrion never lacked imagination. Invariably someone caught him in the act - the Septa, the Maester... Father, if the Gods were really smiling on Cersei that day. And Cersei would receive a hug, a stroke on her golden hair, or beautiful presents... all while Tyrion received twenty wooden stick hits on his palm, at best! 

 

This time she had not planned it – it just landed into her lap! There were no witnesses to the things Cersei had done and said... there were only witnesses to him chocking her by a wall. And there she was, comforted in Brienne's arms. And there he was, in trouble for it all.

 

With that smirk, Cersei was letting him know she won.

 

 _"You know what the worst thing is, brother..."_  Tyrion once asked him through the tears, while Jaime rubbed calming oil over the bleeding cuts on his back. It had been the only one time Father had him whiplashed, three strikes on a six years old dwarf. The rattlesnake was deemed a truly dangerous affair, but not as dangerous as Cersei tying Tyrion by the lions' gate for a whole night until he was found in the morning of feeding day.

 

 _"One way, or another... Cersei always wins. The sooner you learn it, the better prepared you'll be!"_  

 

It took seeing Brienne choosing Cersei over him to finally learn it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hm. Should I hide in Tyrion's rattlesnake's hole?  
> Please let me know how you enjoyed the chapter! Xx


	21. A window of opportunity...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, my sweeties! Such a long time not seen!
> 
> At the end of the previous chapter, if you remember, we left Brienne and Cersei tightly embraced on the floor - to Jaime's utter horror...
> 
> Here's what came after... Enjoy. Xx

“Thank you…” Cersei whispered weakly, voice filled with pain and fear. On the floor, embraced, the two women tilted their heads at the same time, blonde locks touching as they rested their temples on one another. Jaime’s stomach revolted at the sight. _Tale as old as time and song as old as rhyme_ , a knight in shining armour and the damsel in distress saved from the grip of her evil tormentor…

 

It was how valiant Brienne perceived it – was it not? Judging solely by what she saw, Brienne made up her mind that Cersei was the victim and he was the aggressor. His reasons be damned – they mattered not. The honourable souls always thought they knew better than everyone else what grounds the wicked bastards acted on. Even when they despised the ‘victim’, those feelings faded to naught in the face of ‘unjust’ actions. Ned Stark would have killed Aerys himself, yet he had the audacity of claiming Jaime should have protected the monstrous monarch until their dying breaths. Brienne told him to defeat his sister, yet now sided with her because he sought to do just that!

 

And the worst of it all was not the feeling of betrayal clawing his heart – it was the dread consuming his insides, chewing his stomach and rendering his legs useless. It was the certainty his sister plotted to end Brienne’s life all while hugged tightly at the knight’s chest.

 

Cersei’s thanking whispers were lies – dangerous, lethal lies – that Brienne could not distinguish in her infuriating ignorance. How could she still be thus naïve? How could she not know a hug was never to be trusted? A hug was but a way, an excuse, to hide one’s eyes and shied one’s true feelings. Nothing Cersei said had substance – no matter how heartbreaking and genuine her voice sounded. The truth lied in the eyes! The eyes – always the eyes and nothing but the eyes – gave away a person’s truest intentions.

 

While Brienne fell for her cries, his twin’s wildfire green gaze was locked into his, her venom burning right through Jaime’s soul. For torturous long moments, Cersei did not blink. She kept resting her head on Brienne’s, while the vile smirk never left her lips. The threat she was making was transparent. Ripples of sweat dripped down his spine as the fear of death passed through his body, freezing his blood the way only the Long Night had done before. In Cersei’s arms, Brienne’s life seemed to hang on a thin thread of golden hair. His tensed chin unclenched, as his teeth began chattering uncontrollably.

 

“Brienne, please…” Jaime begged, the rest of his words dying in his throat. Cersei’s smirk faded and her lashes fluttered downwards. She took in a deep breath, inhaling Brienne’s scent like a predator sniffing its catch. Instinctively, Jaime’s hand went to his hip, seeking the sword that was not there. His fingers itched with the urge of slaying the threat Brienne was too blind, too ignorant, too weak to see!

 

As if on a cue, the women broke their embrace. Jaime caught himself exhaling in deep relief, but his stiff muscles refused to budge. Minding him no thought, Brienne helped Cersei to her feet and walked her to the edge of the bed. “Come on, sit… Are you feeling calmer, your Grace?” Lips pressed together and chin trembling in – faux – emotion, his twin nodded a weak reassurance. “Alright…”

 

“Can Jaime leave?” Cersei wondered, a couple of solitary tears rolling down her pale cheeks. Brienne nodded, turning on her heels to face him properly for the first time since entering the room.

 

“You’ve heard your sister.” She told him harshly. “Please leave.”

 

Jaime frowned, grinding his teeth. “Are you out of your right mind? She’s playing you!”

 

“Just go to your room!” Brienne all but spat in such a tone not even his father had dared to use on him after his cheeks had grown their first bristles.

 

“I thought you were smarter than this, _wench_!” He hissed in response, anger reclaiming his body and mind, making his veins burst within his skull. Never had he taken Brienne for an ingrate before, but she seemed determined to change his mind.

 

“And I thought you could finally control your temper! I guess we both give each other too much credit, _Ser_.” She attacked him as if he was at fault for it all.

 

“For once I am not in the wrong, Brienne!” His shaking fingers pointed towards his twin. “Just look at her – really look at the bloody viper and come to your senses!”

 

“Go to your room, Jaime.” Brienne repeated, clenching her fists. “We are not doing _this_ …” – she gestured with a hand between them to indicate their quarrel – “in front of her!”

 

“We shouldn’t be doing _this_ …” – he gestured imitating her – “at all!” Glaring at Brienne and then at Cersei with burning fury, Jaime turned around and marched to the door.

 

Rather than leaving, he positioned himself with the back to the entrance, straightening his posture and taking to guarding the room. Brienne pressed her lips together, biting them hard, to refrain from responding to his challenge. Jaime knew all too well she thought of his attitude as an insult to her skills. She was armoured, she had a sword at her hip – she could deal with a pregnant woman in a nightgown on her own. In Brienne’s mind, she needed not his protection. He disagreed. After hugging Cersei to her chest, he had no faith his wife was anything but delusional. Brienne looked him up and down, her sapphire eyes burning threateningly, a warning their evening would not be a pleasant affair if he continued defying her. Jaime nodded unyieldingly, knowing with every nerve of his body that her safety was worth the monstrous fight that was to come.

 

Sighing in defeat, Brienne shook her head, turning her back to Jaime and her attention to the other problematic twin. “Have you eaten anything this morning?” She asked clearing her voice and trying to keep her tone even. Cersei nodded. “Your brother told me you have been unwell... I need to know more of it so that I can figure what to bring you. I cannot get you a maester, but I will do everything in my power to provide help for you and your child.”

 

His sister’s eyes sought his and then drifted to Brienne’s, unsure of what to do. Letting her head fall, she settled for avoiding them both. Jaime saw her inner struggle in the subtle way she rubbed her lips together, while her slender fingers discretely fumbled with the fabric of her nightgown. A part of her wanted to accept being helped – for the sake of her child and even hers – but the Lannister blood in her veins held her back. The pride of a lioness was a dangerous thing.

 

Too angry at everything she had done, Jaime refused to help her tilt the balance towards the sounder option. If Cersei was too proud to help their child live, then their child would die because of her. He would not interfere. He would not change the babe’s fate. Cersei had never allowed him to be a father for any of their other children and maybe he should keep doing the same with this last one too. For all he knew, the cub could be a bloody monster like Joffrey or a damned fool like Tommen – of Myrcella he dared not think. It was Cersei’s decision. After all, she had been the one to go beyond herself to make that pregnancy happen. He had never desired the child, to begin with. _I want our baby to live…_ his twin had cried to him when the Red Keep was crumbling around them. Well, she should bloody hells prove it.

 

“It’s just some pain…” Cersei said proudly, lifting her head and faking a smile. Entirely unsurprised at his sister’s choice of gambling with their child’s life, Jaime did not even blink. “I will survive it.”

 

“Have you…” Brienne began shyly, tilting her head as if cautiously weighing her words. Jaime narrowed his eyes and observed her carefully. She tried to be her polite self, abiding by the etiquette rules of their realm – as if they still mattered – but she was guarded, seemingly expecting a backlash at any moment. Was that how they usually interacted? In his darkest thoughts, the ones that spun inside his head whenever Brienne was alone with Cersei, Jaime saw his sister abusing his Lady with sword sharp words. He was no fool – he knew his twin made no economy of insults, threats and the likes of it. Yet, he had never imagined Brienne taking the abuse so submissively! It made him mad. It made him want to grab her by her shoulders and shake her hard until common sense returned to her stubborn head. Why in the Seven Hells was she acting like that? After all, Brienne had had no issues in standing up to him from the first day they met. Surely she could hiss back at Cersei too if she put in just a little effort!

 

“Have you felt this sort of pain before – with any of the other children?” Brienne settled for asking. His twin’s eyes narrowed and, for a long while, she refrained from answering. “Your Grace?” Brienne insisted, proving to them both that, regardless of what games they played, she was determined to help their child see the light of day. Cersei sighed deeply and shook her head. “Please use words!” Brienne’s voice came out sharp enough to get both twins’ attention. Jaime furrowed his brows. Cersei glared.

 

“You are a prisoner, your Grace, but I wish no ill on you and even less so on your child – quite the contrary! And I think I proved it more than once. We have never talked about your pregnancy, but now we really should – your time is nearing and there is nothing you can do to stop it. Another war is also on its way, as I know you are aware of.” Jaime suppressed a smile, suddenly feeling a flickering spark of hope that – maybe – Brienne had it within to hold her own in her relationship with Cersei. “Let me help you because I assure you no one else will do it, your Grace.” His sister wrinkled her nose and pushed her jaw forward, the way she always did when ready to spit venom.

 

None of his two women spoke, but – in spite of Brienne being with her back towards him – he could tell they looked into each other’s eyes.

 

“Please…” His lady begged, prompting his eyes to close in disappointment.

 

Cersei sighed deeply, standing up from the bed and trailing past the knight towards the wine decanter resting on the Lord Commander’s desk. With a trembling hand, she poured herself a goblet and wasted no time in lifting it to her lips.

 

“My child is three moons away… give or take.” She whispered without facing any of them.

 

“Give? That is much longer than I expected…” Brienne frowned, turning her head around to look at Jaime. He met her with a cold accusative gaze, as if to say _‘she lied, but go ahead – keep on defending her’_. Rolling her eyes, Brienne turned back to face Cersei. “Alright… three moons. That – well, that actually helps a lot. I might be able to get you out of here in time – send you somewhere a maester can attend to your delivery.” Cersei swirled around so swiftly half of her wine spilt on her gown. Brienne nodded – “You have my word. I will strive to get you somewhere safer than here…”

 

Cersei looked Brienne up and down, mouth gaped in disbelief. “Will you truly?”

 

“I will, your Grace. But help me help you before that.”

 

“Qyburn…” Cersei nodded frantically, leaning with her bottom on the desk. “He kept a record of what substances he used to help me conceive the child and of the potions he gave me to make sure I will be able to keep it past the first two moons.” Brienne grimaced, unable to comprehend what the other woman meant. Cersei rolled her eyes and groaned in exasperation, all while Jaime clenched his teeth and cursed his damned life. “Four years back, I needed to miscarry… it was too late for moon tea and the brew Qyburn made was very strong. It caused me a few issues and now…” She sighed, downing the remaining of her wine. Once again, Brienne turned her head to look at Jaime. He was furiously biting at his lips, while his clenched fist trembled from the pressure of his struggle to keep his temper. Their eyes met for a fleeting second and Brienne’s lips parted in burning want of telling him something. “Now I fear my body needs more of whatever Qyburn gave me… I was not taking it all the time, but maybe every two-three weeks…” Brienne’s sapphire eyes silently begged Jaime to trust her. _Why would I, when you act like this?_ He wanted to snarl at her, but she swiftly turned with the back towards him to focus on his sister.

 

“King’s Landing is a ruin. The odds of finding that record are not in your favour…”

 

“They are though!” Cersei shook her head. “Qyburn had a brilliant mind unlike any other in the Seven Kingdoms! I allowed him to make the entire fourth level of the dungeon, you know, the one beneath the black cells –” Cersei added condescendingly. “– into his experimenting quarters. I gave him free hand to dissect, sew back and torture at will in a place where no one could see or bother him – a place that could enable him to make all breakthroughs his heart desired.” Brienne gagged in disgust and Cersei laughed. “Science is not for the faint of heart, _lady_ Brienne. Progress demands sacrifices. It is not important anyway. What matters is that, regardless of how much destruction _your_ Queen inflicted on the capital, the dungeons stand! I know they do! You want to help me? Go down below and get me whatever Qyburn made! It is not that difficult – you can reach the fourth level through the chamber of the dragon mosaic, beneath the Tower of the Hand. Walk the tunnels until you find Qyburn’s chamber where all his scrolls, books and records are. Find mine! Brew my potion and bring it to me!” Cersei commanded and Brienne swallowed hard. He was reaching his limit.

 

“What’s down there?”

 

“I do not know – maybe a few monsters locked up.” Cersei’s thin lips curved up in her usual evil smirk. “But surely a knight like yourself, who spends her days in the company of a full-grown dragon, is not afraid of what may lurk in the dark.”

 

Jaime held his breath upon hearing his sister’s provocative words. Surely Brienne was not stupid enough to…

 

“Alright – I will go at nightfall and find your records.”

 

Turning on his heels between two heartbeats, Jaime left the room slamming the door behind him. He could not be there. He could not take a second more of Brienne’s absurdity.

 

 _I need you to beat Cersei…_ she had told him that very morning over breakfast. Why exactly? Why did she need him to beat Cersei, when she was so obviously on the track of bending the knee to his damned sister? Whatever happened to everything Brienne has said to him? Whatever happened to _‘together we are stronger than her and we shall never allow her to divide us again’_? Whatever happened to her promises of forgiveness and trust? – to the thoughts of keeping _their_ child safe!? What was she doing?

 

Surely she was not naïve enough to go to Qyburn’s lair to run Cersei’s errands! Surely she had ulterior motives! Jaime took in a deep breath.

 

Whom was he fooling? Brienne was not his sister. She was not manipulative. She did not think five steps in advance. She _was_ naïve enough – stupid enough – eager enough – to do it! Rooted deeply in her core was that irrational need to please those who ordered her around – Renly, Catelyn, Sansa, Bran, now Cersei and only the Gods knew what she was doing for Daenerys! Jaime’s head spun in a frenzy of fury. Damned be whoever made her so obsessed with proving herself, her strength, her value, her worth to everyone and their horse! The urge of running his sword through someone – anyone – everyone – had never been stronger! Where was his damned sword!? He needed his fucking sword!

 

Entering his room with boiling rage running through his veins, Jaime trashed everything in sight. Never in his life had he been angrier with Brienne. Never in his life had he thought she would act as such a disappointment! The feeling of betrayal reached deep down to his very core.

 

Hours passed in a haze of fury, with a million murderous thoughts crossing his mind. He pictured himself holding Widow’s Wail at Cersei’s pale throat and sliding the Valyrian steel blade across her tiny neck as slowly and delicately as a maiden passed her fingers along the strings of a harp. His heart was yearning for his vicious sister to feel the life leaving her body with every drop of blood dripping out of every inch of slashed skin. She deserved nothing less for taking a hold on Brienne’s mind! And Daenerys… oh, she deserved a fate devised by Joffrey’s mind. Jaime saw himself and his two hands entering the room of his damned firstborn to borrow his crossbow. The halls he had walked most of his life came to him with no difficulty and his steps took him to the throne room. The mad tyrant was on the chair that had claimed her sanity. Lifting his weapon, he aimed and released the bolt to fly its course straight into the Dragon Queen’s forehead. In his mind, the bolt was strong enough to pierce through the swords of Aegon’s enemies, forever nailing Daenerys’s skull into the throne for which she paid with the ashes of innocent souls. Sansa was not forgotten either. The little bird who – by starting dressing in black feathers – became as bad an omen as any other raven! As bad an omen as her brothers. A damned family of crows! Winged beasts of the deepest hells. Bearers of bad news and ceaseless disasters! He dreamt of plucking their feathers one by one, of stripping them of their heavy cloaks, of tying their naked bodies in chains by their precious Weirwood tree… of letting them freeze in the winds of winter.

 

A knock on the door saved the Starks’ lives. Brienne – for who else still cared for the offspring of dear old Ned and Cat?

 

He did not reply to her. She knocked again. He did not reply to her. Again. Yet, Brienne opened the door and entered anyway. She gasped aloud, stopping a mere step in, to assess the damage.    

 

Jaime was sitting on the floor with his back resting on the wooden framework of the bed. His knees were up and his arms rested atop them. His left fist was clenched so tightly his knuckles looked blue, while his right one… well, it would have been the same, had he still had it. All three chairs that had been around the table were broken to pieces and the table itself was turned upside down. Much of the food was scattered all around the floor, while the famous strawberry syrup of Casterly Rock decorated the white walls on three different spots. The mirror was in shards on the floor. The bed ravaged by the sharpness of broken wood from what used to be the chairs’ legs. The pillows had been cut opened and the sheets were in shreds. There were feathers everywhere, mixed with bundles of hay from the mattress. The chamber was in a state of mess hard to describe. Much like the rest of King's Landing.

 

Brienne took in a deep breath, looking thoroughly nauseated. She closed her eyes and Jaime knew she was counting down in her head to calm herself down. When her sapphire eyes opened again, they held all the restraint she could possibly muster.

 

“Feeling any calmer now that you murdered the room?” She asked softly, walking towards him very cautiously in order to avoid slipping on traces of rose jam.

 

“I am so mad at you! So mad - so mad you cannot even imagine!” Jaime hissed.

 

“I know.” Brienne replied calmly.

 

“To what do I owe the _pleasure_ of your presence?” He spat through clenched teeth. “Why are you not upstairs taking good care of your new favourite? Have you sworn yourself to her already? – quick as you are to lay your sword at anyone’s feet… must be so exciting to flit from one camp to the next serving whichever lord or lady touches your impressionable soul with their momentary misfortune...”

 

“She is not my new favourite…” Her blue eyes rolled at him, as a deep sigh left her lips.

 

“Is she not? You could have fooled me.” Jaime barked sarcastically, baring his teeth at her. She had reached him and stood right in front of him, towering over his body like Casterly Rock over the worthless cliffs beneath it.

 

“Is that so?” Brienne asked arching an eyebrow, while slowly letting herself down to his level. “How about your sister, Jaime? Do you think I fooled her?” She carefully sat beside him, mirroring his position. Jaime’s head turned sideways, his green eyes sparkling in disbelief. Brienne blinked at him, sorrow filling her astonishing gaze, and slid closer, seeking to touch his shoulder with hers. Guardedly, she lifted her right arm and placed it over his left one, atop his knee. Her fingers struggled to unclench his fist, but Jaime did not want to let go. His eyes turned away from her. She sighed, removing her hand and letting it fall in her own lap.

 

“Jaime… taking your sister’s side was not what it seemed and I hoped you would realise it – I thought you would – just as I realised that you strangling her was not without reason…” He frowned but looked not her way still. “I am not as stupid and naïve as I used to be…” He rolled his eyes, groaning in mockery. “I am not, Jaime! How can you even think otherwise?” He did not reply, he merely growled some more. Brienne sighed, exasperated.

 

“Jaime you were strangling a pregnant woman! What did you want me to do? I had to get you off her – no matter who she is and what she has done, I simply cannot condone such behaviour!” _How honourable_ – he hissed under his breath, prompting her to elbow his ribs as gently as her strength allowed. “Just stop! I know how much you love your sister – viper or not!” _I don’t_ – a threatening growl. “You do, Jaime, you do! Whom are you fooling here? You know as well as I do that you’d put yourself between her and Dothraki horde if need be! I know you, _husband!_ I understand very well what I walked in on!”

 

Jaime’s heart skipped a beat and he turned his head to look at her with terror in his eyes. She could not be insinuating what he thought she was insinuating. “Brienne…” He gasped unable to utter more than that.

 

“You might be mad at me, but I am not mad at you, alright?” Brienne growled. “And while I am most certainly not pleased to have seen you so lost in your anger in the face of an offensive you knew to expect – I understand why you did it! I know, Jaime – I know she must have done or said something outrageously provocative to drive you to her neck… I know she was not a victim! I am not accusing you of anything!” He frowned at her words, visibly sceptical at believing them. “I simply wished… hoped, you would somehow be able to control your temper around her.”

 

“Well, tough luck. This is who I am!” Jaime roared unapologetically.

 

“Yes, it is!” She raised her voice. “It’s what makes it so much worse, Jaime!”

 

“I do not care!” He was stubborn and held onto his anger. For once, Brienne was the one at fault for their fighting – and, as such, she should feel bad for the way she had treated him. “I will always be a man driven by impulses! Being an old cripple surely slowed my reactions – but the drive to attack when provoked will always be there! Better just accept things as they are! A lion can be declawed, but never tamed, nor caged – not for long! You cannot keep me in chains! You cannot send me to my room! Cease trying to change me! For I will never!”

 

“One of these days, your temper will get you killed!” Brienne growled enraged.

 

“Yes, it will.” Jaime narrowed his eyes to glare at her, burning fury claiming his emerald gaze. “Get used to that thought.”

 

“What if I do not want to, Jaime?”

 

“Then you should have known better than to mate with lions. We are vicious beasts! One moment of weakness can fool you into believing you’ve been welcomed in the pride, but the next thing you know – you’re dead!” He rose to his knees and used his new height to impose on her. “At the end of the day, anyone who is not us is prey!”

 

“That much I have figured by myself.” Brienne replied, not eager to yield. She swiftly rose to her knees as well – becoming taller than he was. Her hands cupped his neck and she crawled herself closer to him, pressing her body to his. “Yet here I am, you _vicious beast_ , taking the risk. I know that, one way or another, my life with you will be miserable. I know I will spend my days covering up the messes you will stir and trying to explain my children – _our_ children – why their Papa is such a complete idiot! I know I will always be prey in your claws. Make no mistake – it is a choice to let myself be eaten!”

 

His right hand clenched around her left wrist, forcing it away from his neck. “I will eat you then! I will take it – make you miserable, if that is what you believe our marriage will be! I will make damn sure to deliver on your expectations.” Her hand found its way back, this time resting on his cheek. He sought to take it off again. Brienne did not let go. “But she will eat you first, you damn fool!” Jaime hissed, his whole body trembling in fear and fury. “I will never get to marry you and ruin your life because Cersei will kill you and our child first!”

 

“Jaime… I beg of you, just listen to me.” Brienne sighed, her thumbs moving softly, one over his beard, the other over his throat. Jaime swallowed hard, his temper evening under her touch.

 

“You let me down, Brienne... You told me this morning that we shall never allow Cersei to divide us again, then you turned your back on me and chose her.” His voice was low, betraying the hurt she had caused him. “You defied me in front of her, you humiliated me...” He sounded weak. Defeated.

 

“Jaime…” Brienne begged with pearly tears forming in her beautiful eyes. “Forgive me...” She let her forehead fall on his. “Forgive me, please... I do not want us to fight anymore – not today, not ever, not because of _her_. Will you let me explain… please, my love, try to keep your calm and listen to me.”

 

Jaime sighed, rubbing his forehead on hers. “Fine, wench, explain...” He conceded.

 

“Firstly...” She took in a deep breath, as her hands moved down his shoulders and she parted from him just enough to look into his eyes. “Forgive me for the hurtful words I said, back upstairs, and now. I know how words can hurt, particularly those we do not even mean – words said in anger and revenge. Will you let me take them back, _my Lord?_ The promise of a life with you is everything I desire and I know it will be a happy one, even during times of hardship. I know in my heart you do not see me as prey... I know you love me and respect me.” His chin trembled and he parted his lips to say something. She leaned in and kissed him. “Jaime…” Brienne breathed in his mouth and he pulled her closer. “... we said today we’d start anew. And it shames me I was the one to ruin it... but, Jaime –” She parted from him and troubled her bottom lip. “I need her - I need Cersei.”

 

Of all explanations he had expected, that had never crossed his mind. “What?” Jaime mouthed, no sound leaving his lips.

 

“I need your sister on my side. I need her to trust me. I need her to need me… I need her to owe me a debt!”

 

Jaime shook his head in disbelief. “Brienne, you do not understand. How can you not understand that Cersei –”

 

“– is dangerous and she would kill me and our child as soon as given the chance. I know, Jaime. I do understand it! I swear I am not underestimating your sister.”

 

“You _are_ underestimating my sister! You simply do not realise it. Please…” He begged, hand reaching for her cheek. “You are too lost in your own idealistic ways to see how hateful Cersei and I really are. And while I will try to make amends for my past for the rest of my future, Cersei will do no such thing... she is not a victim any more than Aerys was. You have to understand that her protection is not your duty – I would have never harmed her, alright? I was merely making a point in response to how she behaved...” More he wished not to add. Brienne did not have to know his twin's lips had been on him and, for the shortest while, her hand slid down his breeches.

 

“Jaime, if I underestimate your sister, you surely overestimate her. Please, believe me when I say that Cersei is not the reason why our life together might never happen. Before she can even dream to muster enough power to harm me, Daenerys will burn us all.” She swallowed hard, steadying her heart. “My first instinct when seeing you at your sister's throat was to get her out of your grip… but everything that came after was calculated. With her there, I could not tell you what was on my mind! I could not tell you that seeing her so vulnerable opened a window of opportunity for me. I had to seize it! I could not let the moment pass even if it meant letting you down for a while... It pained me, but I had to do it. As terrifying as this sounds, Cersei is my best shot at taking Danaerys down before our child is born...”

 

“I do not understand...” His heart began pounding in his chest. It could not be true. It simply could not be.

 

“Jaime...” Her voice was strangled and suddenly drowned in tears. “I cannot do this alone anymore... My mind can no longer take the stress of it... my soul cannot contain the pain it causes... please... I need you... I need your help as I have never needed it before! I need your counsel, your support... Help me, Jaime... hear me out... about Bran, about Daenerys... Cersei... about it all.” Brienne broke into sobs and he wrapped his arms around her. “I want to tell you everything...” 

 

“I want it too, my love...” He pressed a kiss on her forehead and rocked her slowly. “Shh... I've got you... you're not in this alone...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Looking forward to hearing your thoughts on this chapter.  
> Many of you wondered if Brienne was truly fooled by Cersei - looks like she was not. What do you think she needs Cersei for? Xx


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